Ask Dana: When It Comes To Talking Dirty, How Do I Get My Husband to Step His Game Up?

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Dear Dana,

I have to admit, I’m great at talking dirty. But my husband can be a little, well, corny. I just want him to be a bit more assertive and not so mushy, within reason. How do I get him to step his game up?

Dear Confident Communicator,

I love to hear that you’re a seasoned pro with talking dirty! I can also understand why you’d want your husband to match your prowess in serving it back to you. If you’re all hot and heavy, vocalizing your naughtiest thoughts like a boss and he volleys back with a corny comment or mushy utterance? Well, that can be a real climax killer.

It can take you out of your zone. Break the flow. Or worse, make you feel turned off, disconnected, and critical of him for his lack of skills. We don’t want that.

Yet we know that while talking dirty is a skill, it isn’t one that comes naturally to everyone. It requires a natural rawness and sexual boldness … plus a lot of thought, patience, and practice. But if it’s something that you absolutely want your husband to get better at, here are a few tips on how to get there:

Tip 1: Start by cutting him a little slack.

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Talking dirty is clearly not his strong suit in the bedroom. And he may genuinely be wayyy out of his comfort zone. He may also be picking up on your lack of enthusiasm (ahem, to put it kindly) for his skills. Not exactly a confidence booster in the bedroom for him.

So, before you try to get him to step up his game, I’d love for you to consider these questions: What is he already good at? Where does he really excel in your sexual encounters?

Jot down your thoughts, in detail. And then, tell him what you already love about how he pleasures you. Compliment him, a lot. And wait to talk to him about upleveling his dirty-talk skills. Don’t comment with “you're great at this but need to be better at this” in the same conversation. Just give him some praise for his other sexual skills and wait until the next chat to share your tips and tricks for improvement.

Tip 2: Give him a few key phrases that would definitely turn you on.

And what I mean by this is … pretty literal. Actually write down a few things he could say to you that would really turn you on, and give him the piece of paper.

Then, describe the energy and attitude in which you’d like him to say those things to you, be it heated, horny, urgent, dominant, teasing, flirtatious, etc. While it might sound weird, ask him to practice in the mirror. Tell him just how much saying these phrases during sex will light you up, and how much it’ll mean knowing he did the sexy prep work to seduce you.

Here are a few phrases you might serve up to him, but please make these your own!

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“Tell me what you want me to do”:
If it turns you on when he asks you what sexual scenarios and pleasures you want, then this is a good one to have him throw down. Also, what it’s doing is essentially throwing it back to you to use your best skills of talking dirty. And hey, remember that your expert dirty talk skills can go a long way in turning yourself on.

“I want to (fill in the blank) with you": Ask him to think about what filthy/dirty/naughty things he wants to do to with you in advance of being in bed together. This should help him tremendously with his nerves and tone. Many people clam up if they have to blurt these things out on the spot — worrying if they’ll say the wrong thing, or even that their desires will be criticized or shot down while they’re naked and vulnerable … so they default to humor or a softer or more mushy tone. In this case, practice makes perfect, so prompting him to think about his desires in advance could really help here.

“How does that feel?”: While simple, these four words can sound really sexy in the heat of the moment. This phrase will give your partner the ability to show he cares about your satisfaction — still with his instinctive tenderness, but with less "mushiness” and a bit of added sex appeal. Plus this one also gives you the opportunity to flex your sex talk skills in response.

“Right there. Yes. Harder. Lighter. Faster. Slower. More.”: Simple directions like this are Dirty Talk 101 and give him the idea to use one word “directional responses” where he simply states what he wants more, as a play-by-play of the pleasure he’s experiencing. Communicating exactly what he wants in real time, in this simple way, will lead to more satisfaction for him and, hopefully, give you the erotic aural stimulation you’re hoping for.

Tip 3: Listen to audio porn that turns you on, together.

Audio porn is all the rage right now! And there are loads of great apps where you can find erotic sex stories read aloud. The beauty of listening to this kind of content together? Well, it’s guaranteed to turn you on because they are read by someone who already knows how to talk dirty.

Your senses will be stimulated by a pro, you’ll both get to explore sexy content from different genres (from romantic to threesomes to fetish), it’ll feel like a new kind of foreplay, and the big bonus: He can learn to improve his skills by listening to someone who excels in this area, which should help soften the possibility of him feeling criticized or schooled by you. He could even repeat some of the phrases you love! When you hear something that really turns you on just pause it and say, “Oh baby, I wanna hear you say that to me!”

And that’s it: A few ideas on how to help your man up his game on talking dirty.

With a little practice, and a lot of praise and encouragement, these new skills will soon become more natural for him, and hopefully, you’ll both experience the heightened pleasure and excitement talking dirty can bring in the bedroom.

XOXO,
Dana

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Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].