As a doula, something that I’m well aware of is that a woman goes through a billion and one adjustments at least a dozen times throughout her pregnancy (no joke). And you know what? Her sex life is not exempt.
Keeping that in mind, you might’ve heard that when it comes to intimacy, the first trimester can be difficult (thanks but no thanks to morning sickness), the second trimester may have you climbing the walls (in the best way possible), and the third trimester is kind of up for grabs. What doesn’t get discussed nearly enough, however, is making the adjustment back into sex after a doctor gives a new mom the thumbs up after her postpartum six-week checkup.
So, how do you ease back into sex once a baby has come out of your vagina or bikini line (via a C-section)? How do you get back to feeling like yourself while trying to process the fact that your breasts are now a milk factory, that there are stretch marks where there have never been before, and your hormones are still all over the place? How do you bring something that was once a normal part of your world back into your space when many things feel like they will never be “normal” again?
If that’s exactly where you are right now, I’ve got some tips that can help you to get back to that lovin’ feelin’.
Do Some Dating/Courting/Wooing (First)
Something else that I am is a marriage life coach. Whenever a couple comes to me and says that the sex is waning, usually what’s also missing is romance. Listen, when you’ve got a little one who is basically running your entire household, going out on dates might not be the most practical or realistic idea. But that doesn’t mean you can’t “date at home.”
• Cook a romantic meal together.
• Host an intimate wine tasting.
• Make a disco ball and dance to your favorite slow jams in your living room.
• Have a picnic on the floor.
• Binge on some of your favorite movies. (Make sure to have some favorite snacks on tap.)
• Play a sexy board game.
• Create your own spa night.
• Do some body painting with some edible DIY body paint.
• Create a signature drink and enjoy them with some aphrodisiacs.
• Re-create your first date.
You probably already know that the biggest sex organ that you have is your brain. If you spend some time wooing it, that can ignite the romance and can help to get your libido going. And the great thing about this tip is you can do it all from the comfort and convenience of your own home.
Embrace a Change of Scenery
If your newborn is only a few weeks old, they are probably in your room most — if not all — of the time. And even though you may have conceived your little bundle of joy in that same space, these days I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s kind of difficult to feel sexy in a room that feels more like a nursery. That’s why I recommend a change of scenery.
I get that you might not be comfortable with leaving your baby with someone (even if it’s only for a couple of hours). But if you happen to have a guest room or even a way to change your living room into a bit of a sex den, try doing that. Have your partner help you to bring in some flowers, get a soft and sexy blanket, hang some blackout curtains, order in some of your favorite food, turn on some of your favorite music, and enjoy not being in your bedroom for a change.
It might sound weird that leaving the spot when you probably have the most sex is the key to having even more sex, but trust me — it works. Some new scenery, when you need a break from a certain type of routine, almost always does.
Surround Yourself With Some of Your Favorite Scents
One thing that’s beautiful about the act of sex is that it’s something that all five of your senses (sight, hearing, touch, smell, and taste) can get in on. As far as your nose is concerned, studies support that when a woman smells something she likes, it’s actually easier for her to climax.
Keeping all of this in mind, if you’re anxious, rose, lavender, and citrus scents can decrease that anxiety. If you’re tired, peppermint, rosemary, and ginger mint can wake you up. If you just need a little help getting (back) into the mood, ylang ylang, cinnamon, strawberry, ginger, and sandalwood are amazing aphrodisiacs.
Bring these scents in with the help of a soy-scented candle. (They last longer and burn cleaner.) Or sprinkle some essential oils onto your bedding or turn them into a massage oil — which brings me to my next point.
Enjoy a Massage From Your Partner
Listen, whether sex is on the menu or not, it can never hurt to get a few massages from your partner. Massages help to reduce stress. They relieve pain and soreness. Massages increase blood circulation, put you in a better mood, and help to balance out your hormones. And all of these things are necessary if you’re planning on engaging in copulation — especially good copulation.
If your partner puts 5 to 10 drops of one of the essential oils that we just discussed into a half cup of a carrier oil (such as sweet almond, grapeseed, or coconut) — and warms it in the microwave for about 15 to 20 seconds — you will have a homemade massage oil that will feel a lot like heaven.
Bonus tip: Allow your partner to touch some of the areas you are feeling insecure about. Letting your partner embrace those spots can help you to feel less self-conscious, which can put you more at ease as sex begins.
Be Intentional About Not Projecting Insecurities
I promise you that it never fails. I will sit in a session with a couple who just became parents, and when the husband tells me that he’s getting antsy about how long it’s taking for sex to become a part of his and his wife’s relationship again, the wife will talk about how “unsexy” he makes her feel. Immediately following, he will look at her like she just grew fur and say, “What? I find you just as beautiful as you’ve always been,” only for the wife to reply with, “Well, I don’t feel that way.”
Just because you may not feel as confident as you used to, it’s not fair to put that onto your partner. Believe me when I say that I have had many men tell me that when they think about the fact that their wife was able to deliver their child, it is sexy as hell to them. And some of them find stretch marks to be super erotic too.
Hey, roll your eyes if you want to, but you’re only making the internal battle with your self-esteem worse by acting like your partner feels as unsure about you as you do. Don’t punish them because you’re not feeling your best. Look to your partner for encouragement, support, and even compliments and affirmations instead.
Buy Some Sexy Nursing Bras
Something that a lot of my clients tell me is their vagina isn’t what concerns them when it comes to postpartum sex; it’s actually trying to figure out how to see their breasts as “sexy” when they’ve been using them to feed their son or daughter for weeks on end. That is a fair concern. Beyond fair, actually.
My recommendation is to first discuss it with your partner beforehand, because if they enjoy “spending time” with your breasts and you’re just not ready to return to that, you both need to express how you’re feeling.
Also, whether you’d prefer for your breasts to not be touched at all or if you’re a bit self-conscious about them, invest in some sexy nursing bras. They can make you feel seductive. Plus, it will give your partner something alluring to look at, even if your breasts are currently a no-fly zone.
Take Foreplay Up a Notch
It’s interesting — yet not shocking — that some surveys say that foreplay, on average, only lasts somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes. The reason why that fascinates me is because, although a man can climax in five minutes (again, on average), it oftentimes takes women somewhere between 20 to 25 minutes. You know what this means, right? If you’re needing some help easing back into sex, your partner needs to be open to extending the foreplay.
Now, I will say this about men. If they’ve been waiting for several weeks, we all know that this means the first “release” will probably come rather quickly. Please don’t hold that against him. However, the second round needs to be about focusing on you — and if that means foreplay needs to last as long as your favorite 30-minute sitcom … so be it.
Experiment With Some Postpartum Sexual Positions
Anyone who tells you that the first time you have intercourse after a baby isn’t at least a little bit awkward is lying. It’s been weeks since you’ve “engaged.” Your lower parts are still adjusting. And there may be a part of you that’s nervous about how your partner may feel, literally, during the act. Not to mention, you may also be anxious about how sex will feel for you.
Thankfully, there are some postpartum positions that can make sex easier and more pleasurable, such as spooning, lying on your stomach with a pillow underneath your stomach and your hips, missionary, and cowgirl. All of these will put less pressure on your body and help you to feel more comfortable should your genitalia still feel a little raw or tender.
Get Advice From Other Mothers
The last thing that you should do as you’re adjusting to life — and sex — as a new mother is to isolate yourself. Although it’s certainly understandable that you may want to keep certain things about your sex life private, it’s OK to ask other moms how they eased back into intimacy. Because they will be able to empathize with you in a way that no one else can, they can offer some tips, hacks, and insights that will be well worth their weight in gold.
Be Completely Honest With Your Partner
Maybe one day I’ll expound on the fact that when it comes to long-term relationships, I’m not big on the word vulnerable. That’s because I know that one of its definitions is “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation,” and that is not the way you should feel when it comes to your partner. Instead, I favor going with being dependent because it means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.”
As a new mom, it’s OK — encouraged even — to be dependent on your partner. And since intimacy is about sharing your heart and not just your parts, talk to them about how you’re feeling about sex and your body. Being open and honest establishes trust. Trust establishes a stronger connection. And a strong connection helps to make sex better. Try it and watch how much better you’ll feel — both in and out of the bedroom.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
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