My husband and I met almost a decade ago. We’ve each had our fair share of heartbreak and disastrous dating stories before we got together. A couple of moves, two kids, a whole lot of loving and learning and some career changes later, we are still committed for the long run. But that takes a little bit of work each day.
One of the biggest differences between my husband and I is his extroversion to my introversion. He’s a social butterfly who enjoys being around people, talking to people, and connecting with people.
I’m not a huge people person. I have several close friends, but I have a quota for the amount of social engagement I experience in a day. When that quota is met, I’m done and need my alone time to recharge.
This difference between us is reflected in our careers.
He’s a Realtor. I’m a writer. He’s always on the phone, on the go, texting, talking, socializing, and chatting with dozens of people in a day. He’s been in more strangers' homes this year than I’ve been in my entire life.
And if I could be completely honest, I probably wouldn’t know if he was cheating. Here’s why I’m not jealous and how we keep our marriage secure.
We’ve established clear boundaries.
One of the first things we talked about before getting married is how we define cheating, our opinions and perspectives, and our past personal experiences with it. This includes physical, emotional, and mental aspects. Some of the questions we have discussed thoroughly include:
- Have you ever cheated on a partner? If so, what was the state of your relationship when it happened? What made your relationship susceptible to an affair?
- Have you ever been cheated on? What happened? How does that affect your values and beliefs around affairs?
- Is flirting cheating? Why? What is considered appropriate and inappropriate?
- Is kissing worse than having intercourse? Why?
- What does an emotional affair mean?
- What do you think of opposite-sex friendships outside of marriage?
Talking about these things regularly and revisiting these questions in case our opinions have changed keeps us on common ground, and allows us to understand each other better and the expectations we have of our marriage.
We have an open and honest line of communication.
As a busy family, we have a tight schedule to manage our kids' activities. We are both self-employed so we take turns watching the kids while the other works. This means we both have to know exactly when and where each will be so that we can plan our days accordingly. We are respectful of each other’s schedule and time and we prioritize working as a team.
In addition, the thing about marrying an extrovert who thinks out loud is that he is always talking. His constant communication makes up for his lack of a filter. He shares with me what’s going on with his clients, how the listings are going, and almost every detail of his day.
Our open line of communication prevents us from creating scenarios that cause unnecessary drama. We don’t keep secrets or try to make the other feel jealous. There’s a sense of trust between us that’s been built up over time and is constantly being worked on.
At the end of each day, we have a routine where we check in on each other to see how we’re doing. It’s our time to emotionally connect on the health of our marriage.
I’ve visualized the what-if scenario.
Lastly, the most important reasons I don’t feel jealous are my lack of dependency on him and the confidence I’ve instilled in my skills, abilities, and my self-worth.
Although sharing my life with him and raising our kids together are definitely things I value and will work hard to keep, it’s not necessarily what I need for a happy and healthy life.
If he ever told me he wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn’t ask him to reconsider. I wouldn't try to change his mind. I would be hurt, but I would support his decision. I would be ready to start the separation process and figure out a way to tell the kids. My brain has already visualized all that and is mentally prepared for this scenario if that were to happen.
Doing this visualization exercise helps keep me from feeling jealous or insecure about my marriage. It reassures me that I can do this with or without him. Obviously, it’s better and easier with him, but I don’t need to depend on him.
So, as counterintuitive as it sounds, being OK with the lack of certainty in my marriage is actually what makes it certain.
