When I first became a mom, I wanted to do my best at everything. I was naive because, after a couple of years, my mind was completely overwhelmed with the invisible load of motherhood. The planning, scheduling, and staying up late worrying about the plans and schedules all came crumbling down on me like a ton of bricks. The first thing I did was talk to my husband and figure out how we could share this mental load.
Over the years, many ongoing, sometimes heated, conversations have allowed me to let go of many mental tasks. But there are still things that fill my mind and are invisible to my husband. Balancing the number of things I worry about with the things that I let fall through the cracks (like that odd missing sock) is something I work on every day.
Here are three tasks I don't do anymore.
I don't stress over food and bathroom business.
What goes in, must come out. When the kids were babies, feeding and changing diapers were the bane of my existence. I kept track of that cycle as though my life — and their lives — depended on it.
I fed my daughter for 15 minutes at 10 a.m. Then she had a wet diaper at noon.
I always kept a close eye on my son and what he ate. On certain days he would eat two broccoli florets, a tablespoon of mushy brown rice, and a slice of cheese. I knew his stools would be soft and long.
I used to know exactly what was in my fridge and pantry, how many times my kids went to the bathroom, and exactly what they ate for lunch, down to the number of grapes. Now I don’t. It’s not that I don’t care. I just know if they’re constantly growing out of their old clothes, they’re on the right track.
I've eased up on keeping track of every email that comes from my kids' school.
When our daughter first entered kindergarten, we were inundated with emails, notices, Facebook group invites and Zoom calls. It seemed like every other day something was happening at the school that we needed to be aware of.
From pajama days, show and shares, and fundraisers to school-organized coffees with other parents, I don’t beat myself up trying to remember every little thing anymore. It’s like the news: If it’s important enough for me to know, I will be made to know.
As for planning playdates, birthday parties, and other social engagements, I’m leaning into my strengths as a low-maintenance introvert. My extroverted husband is a natural social butterfly and is by default takes on the kids' social activities.
Lastly, I do not over-function as a wife.
My husband’s a full-grown man who is completely capable of fulfilling his duties as a partner and as a father. I am not his mother.
His responsibilities are his. I do not schedule his dentist appointments nor remind him about it. I do not give him the heads up to pick the kids up from skating later that day. I do not put in his calendar when his mom’s birthday is. I do not ensure he has a clean shirt for work.
If he forgets or misses something, that’s on him. I do not blame myself for something I wasn’t responsible for in the first place.
Similarly, though, there are three tasks I refuse to let go.
Prioritizing quality time with my kids.
There are nights when I lay awake in bed worrying whether I spent enough time with my kids. I still feel guilty when the whole day passes by me as I’m busy checking off tasks on my to-do list. Some days, I don’t have time or space to stop and fully engage with my kids.
Having those one-on-one conversations, giving undivided attention to each of my kids, and getting to know them as little people are my top priorities as a parent. So finding a moment to connect with them once a day is something I still keep a tab on.
I will always keep a close eye on my kids' health.
My education and work experiences are in health care. I’ve worked in the system for over 15 years. I know the ins and outs of how it functions and what my kids need when my Spidey sense is tingling.
From a barking cough, a fever that hasn’t gone down to a rash that’s getting worse, I will inevitably worry about my children’s health.
I focus on striking a good balance when it comes to my kids' extracurricular activities.
My husband and I evenly share the drop-offs and pickups, but I plan and manage what activities the kids are going to be registered for. I want to expose my kids to all sorts of learning opportunities so they can get a feel for what they’re passionate about and what they want to master.
But as an overscheduled, recovering perfectionist who didn’t have a chance to be a kid, I struggled with anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. I’m sensitive to how much I want my kids to do throughout the week. Finding the right balance between activities and downtime so they are happy and healthy is close to my heart. My husband didn’t experience that, so it stays with me.
