Imagine a college student skipping basically every class except for the midterm and the final test of the semester. When the student finds out that the final test counts for 60% of the grade, suddenly the student freaks out and wants to get prepped by the teacher. No matter how good the teacher is, there’s realistically no way to cram all of the information that a student has missed over weeks of time, in time, for one test. Bottom line: There’s a pretty good chance that the student is going to fail.
In a nutshell, this is what it’s like being a marriage life coach. I’m well aware of the fact that only about 19% of couples ever go to therapy and only 37% of divorced couples see a therapist/counselor/marriage life coach prior to officially calling it quits. I also know that the average couple waits a whopping six years before seeing a professional.
And you know what? That’s pretty much like the student who never goes to class. Folks wait until their “love house” also almost burns all the way to the ground … and then they seek us to save it. (And sometimes even get mad when we can’t.)
Effective counseling doesn’t work that way. Not by a long shot. This is why I’m a huge advocate for couples — even the ones who feel like nothing is wrong — to see a counselor/therapist/marriage life coach at least a couple of times a year. And because so few do, I am fully prepared to share some of the reasons why to support my case.
Looking From 'the Outside In' ALWAYS Offers a Different Perspective
One of the main reasons why it can help to see a professional about your marriage is we’re objective. We’re not emotionally involved in the way that you are so, we’re able to see things without a lot of “extra” involved. We kinda look at the facts, as they’re presented. We look through to see if there are other realities that need to be explored, and address things from that perspective.
For instance, say that you and your husband have been arguing about how nosy his mother is, mostly because he doesn’t see it as being that big of a deal. All he knows is that he loves his mother. All you know is you feel like he’s not prioritizing your feelings. What a professional does is unpack the two points in hopes of finding a compromise.
Maybe your hubby has always been close to his mother and they never really discussed how to set boundaries once he got married. Maybe you’re triggered because you and his mother aren’t that close and you feel left out, you don’t have the best relationship with your mom (and you’re a little bit triggered), and/or you feel like his mother is more important to him.
A professional is going to explore all of this so that you and your spouse aren’t just debating about whose feelings are more valid. We’re trained to provide an outlook that you may have not considered before, and hopefully that perspective can cultivate a different strategy and approach.
Mediation Can Help With Communication
Poor communication always has been and (probably) always will be a top reason for marital conflict and strife. A part of the reason is because a lot of us don’t realize how much we suck at communicating. That is until there’s another adult that we have to interact with, in our home, on a daily basis. So, what are some signs of a good communicator?
• Good communicators are good listeners.
• Good communicators ask questions to gain clarity.
• Good communicators think before they respond.
• Good communicators are sensitive to their body language and tone, especially in potential arguments.
• Good communicators want to find resolves to matters even if that doesn’t mean getting the last word or always having to be “right.”
And honestly, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. But because a lot of people struggle with at least two of these things, a professional can help to serve as a mediator so both individuals not only feel heard but understood.
There really is no way that a relationship is going to thrive if the communication between two individuals is poor. And honestly, even when things are pretty smooth sailing, it can always help to gain a few insights on how to communicate better with your partner from a professional as well.
Therapists Are Trained To Ask the Right Questions
Speaking of listening and communicating, no counselor/therapist/marriage life coach is worth much if they don’t listen well. And believe you me, there are plenty of professionals out here who like to hear themselves talk instead of actually listening to help others. That’s another message for another time, though. What I will say for now is don’t feel bad about vetting at least three to five potential therapists before committing to one. Finding a great one is similar to finding the spouse that you’re with.
That said, my point about this point is it can also be beneficial to see a professional about your marriage because in our listening, we can present questions that you never may have considered prior to talking to us. Example: I once worked with a couple where the husband was super frustrated about their sex life. He simply thought that he had a higher sex drive while she thought that his “quota request” (two or three times a week) was unrealistic.
Me: “OK, so who’s the morning person and who’s the night owl?”
Come to find out, he likes to stay up all night while she prefers to turn in around 9 p.m. After asking a few more questions, what this all boiled down to is he liked to try and wake her up for sex at 2 a.m., which annoyed the mess out of her, whereas she liked sex right before getting up for work (5 a.m.), which he wasn’t really down for. As a direct result, they both felt neglected, and their sex life was suffering.
Thing is, they never really considered that it wasn’t really about the sex so much as it was about their schedules. With that being cleared up, it was easier to figure out what steps needed to be taken next. They did and their sex life is now thriving — which means their marriage is doing so much better too.
It’s Never a Good Idea To Assume
OK. I have a Honda. The running consensus about these vehicles is if you keep the oil changed, they will basically last forever. (I’ve had two Hondas and an Acura; I can certainly vouch for that!) Anyway, a part of the reason there’s an oil change sticker in the left corner of my windshield is to remind me that no matter how well my car seems to run, I still need to change my oil once it hits a certain number of additional miles. Otherwise my engine could suddenly lock up and I’ll have to get another vehicle.
I 1000% see marriage and the purpose of marriage counseling in a similar fashion. When two people say, “Until death parts us” — whew, that’s a super long time and a REALLY LONG JOURNEY. And when you sign up for something like that, one thing that you don’t want to base your relationship on is assumption.
• You assume your partner is happy.
• You assume that their needs are the same and being met.
• You assume that there are no underlying issues.
• You assume that there aren’t “mouse holes” that need to be covered up.
• You assume that things can continue, just as they’ve been going.
Y’all already know the saying about making assumptions (that it makes a, you know, out of you and me). And here’s the thing — oftentimes assumptions transpire because couples don’t know what to look out for or talk about. That’s where we come in.
I promise you that no matter what the category may be, if we’re good at our job, we’re going to hit you with a food-for-thought that will help you to see your marriage in a different light. And that could end up preventing potential drama — or engine lockups, so to speak — up the road. It can also teach you how to be more proactive in communication rather than just moving on, well, assumptions.
Tips and Hacks Can Always Help
Complain to someone who can help you.
That is always going to be one of my favorite quotes because it is oh so true. Although you may have plenty of people in your life who you can vent to about your husband and marriage, be careful with that. For one thing, it’s important that you share personal things with those who will keep it private and — please catch this part — are an advocate for your relationship. Secondly, there’s no point in you and your sister or you and a girlfriend complaining for two hours, only to hang up with no resolve. That’s how bitterness and resentment are able to set in.
Seeing a counselor/therapist/marriage life coach is different. That’s because we are solutions oriented. Even if you and your husband commit to going to therapy once a season (every three months), that can do wonders for your relationship because we can provide tips and hacks that you may have never considered. Yes, we will let you vent, but the focus will always be to have you leave feeling better about your marriage than when you started each and every appointment with us.
It really is a shame how many people will end their marriage without ever seeing a professional. That’s because I know that 32% to 50% of people who end their marriage end up with regrets about it. I’d hate for you to be one of them, so why not make an appointment to get a “marital oil change?" A few minutes could do wonders.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
