It’s not always easy to make up with our partner when we’ve gotten into a big fight, and learning how to work through our disagreements is typically one of the biggest struggles in any relationship. But one mom was absolutely stunned when she found a secret list her husband’s been keeping of EVERY fight they’ve had for the last year. Now she’s turned to the Dear Prudence advice column wondering if this spells the worst for their marriage.
The Letter Writer explained that she's married to a “very smart, very calm man.”
They get along well, they have a toddler, and the LW is a stay-at-home mom, she shared.
“I, like a lot of moms, feel like a lot of my efforts are unseen, and it resulted in a fight the other night,” she wrote in her letter. “It was nothing particularly toxic, but when he left for a meeting, he left his computer on.”
Then the LW found something unexpected — i.e., “a list that he’s been keeping for a year of every quarrel that he has with me.”
The list detailed all the times her husband felt she bullied him into things and “times when he felt like he was in the right … it’s all there.”
During all of those fights, the LW thought she’d checked in and asked her husband if they were OK.
“He says we’re fine, but … there’s a list!” she wrote. Now the LW is sort of stumped. If she tells her husband what she found, he’ll know she snooped. And if she comes clean, should she go through each and every list item and speak her piece?
“There are things on there that I’ve always been super insecure about and convinced myself he wasn’t bothered by,” she admitted. “I’m honestly so thrown off by this. What should I do? Is this divorce territory?”
Some commenters thought this was a big red flag.
"LW 1: All the alarm bells are going off reading your letter!" wrote one commenter. "I was also married to a very smart, very calm man. He also said things were okay when I asked. Turns out, things were very much not okay, and after several years of keeping things bottled up it all came out. He mentioned stuff I hadn't even realized at the time (years before!) was an issue, or that he was bothered by, and then he divorced me.
"It was brutal," the person continued. "Your spouse keeping an actual list of grievances against you is a giant red flag — there's no reason to keep a list like that unless you're planning to use it against the other person. As disorienting as I'm sure it was to have found it, I'm glad you did so that you have a heads up. I think ask him about it and see what he says. His response will probably tell you what you need to know."
"LW1 — Your husband is a nightmare," someone else agreed. "Honestly, I could not live with an accounting of every small to large issue my husband and I had in the course of a year. I learned early in our marriage that we both did the 'accounting' trick of rehashing every fight ever during every disagreement. We came to the resolution that when a fight was over and the issue resolved. It Was Over. As in never to be unearthed again.
"Accountants who never let go cannot be rationally dealt with," the person added. "They don't write down the stupid stuff they did to start a fight or when they were proven completely off base with their estimate or their recollection or whatever. I'd go insane. Good luck to you. I don't even care about your husband. Sorry."
A third commenter put it like this:
"My (now ex) husband also kept a list of grievances and arguments. Turned out it was negative reinforcement and part of the devaluation period of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He started his affair and emptying our bank accounts around the same time. He was using it to fuel and validate his anger, resentment and betrayals. There is a reason that marriage counselors have people make positive lists about their spouses. Keeping a negative list about someone you love is really bizarre and unhealthy. Letter writer needs to get her husband to a really good marriage counselor."
Other people weren't sure that it was an emergency just yet.
"LW never mentioned a List of Grievances against her. He's journaling his thoughts about their arguments. Maybe that's how he processes," argued one commenter. "Do they need to talk? Yes. Is she a shameless snoop who violated his privacy? Yes."
"He's writing feeling statements. This is not a list of grievances," someone else agreed. "She basically broke into and read his journal. He's feeling bullied. That's sure not a good look for her."
A third person could identify with the husband. "I'm a list guy, so I find the argue list to be pretty normal. I have all sorts of lists. If you look at them you might find them strange. It is just the way my brain works."
Columnist Jenée Desmond-Harris wasn’t so sure the LW should prepare for divorce just yet.
Although Desmond-Harris acknowledged that finding the list must’ve been hard, she wasn’t sure this was a crisis. Instead, it might just be the LW's husband's outlet as the two navigate being married and being young parents.
“We now know that his response has been … to write things down,” she wrote. “That’s not bad! He didn’t cheat, he didn’t talk horribly about you behind your back, and he didn’t remove you from his life insurance policy.”
She explained that just like how the LW is writing in to share her grievances, her husband created the list to jot down his own.
“Should he feel betrayed by this letter? I hope you don’t think so!” she wrote. “What you saw was documentation of his thoughts — thoughts that are similar to the ones I’m sure you’ve had after you’ve bumped heads.”
All it means is that the two need to have more conversations — "not just fights and disagreements, but check-ins about how you’re doing and feeling, and more than ‘Are we okay?’” she explained.
She explained that the LW doesn’t have to confess to seeing the letter to her husband, but maybe she needs to initiate a conversation about going to a couple’s therapist.
“Or maybe it means a good sit-down conversation in which you tell him you want to make sure your relationship is strong and would like to know if there’s anything you can do better,” she wrote. “The important thing is that you should let him know it’s okay to open up when something is bothering him. And of course, you should do the same.”
