How long into a relationship do you tell your partner everything about your past? Do you wait a week, a month, until things get serious, or shoot, do you wait until after there is a ring? Everyone has different opinions and comfort levels about sharing their lives. But if something major could affect things moving forward, do you have an obligation to spill the beans sooner?
Imagine you and your fiancé are planning a wedding, and in the midst of it all, you discover he was a sperm donor. OK, that might be a shock, but it’s probably workable. But what if he was a sperm donor for a friend and his wife not once, not twice, but three times? He is the biological father to two children and another baby on the way. And he never said a word.
In retrospect, there have been some shady behaviors, and now things are in limbo. This is probably when you’d need advice, so the bride-to-be’s mother stepped in and went to Dear Abby for this one.
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The fiancé was hiding more than just being a sperm donor.
There are a lot of men who are sperm donors. They give families a chance to have a child they may never have been able to otherwise, which is admirable. A lot of times, the donations are anonymous. In this case, however, it wasn't. But not only that, he and the children also had a relationship in the first year of their lives.
He also has photos of the kids on his phone, and they look like him. The original poster explained that things got weird as the kids got older and the relationship just kind of tapered off.
“Her fiancé says he hasn’t seen the children since my daughter began dating him two years ago. He says he tried to put the situation behind him, but confessed that he misses them and didn’t realize he would feel this way at the time he donated," OP wrote. "Neither he nor the children’s parents have legal documents in place, and they skipped getting professional advice, believing it would all be fine because they are good friends.”
Now OP’s daughter doesn’t know what to do.
The whole thing shocked the woman, who was ready to walk down the aisle. Now, the wedding plans are on hold. It felt like a massive betrayal to her. OP said her daughter could’ve dealt with the sperm donor situation, but the perceived deceit? Not so much.
“They are still engaged, but she has put the wedding plans on hold until they can get through this. They are now talking about counseling. She says her world has been turned upside down," she wrote. "My heart is hurting for her, and we are supportive of any decision she makes. Your opinion is very appreciated.”
Abby to the rescue.
This situation is strange, and OP thought Dear Abby could help. The columnist offered some sound advice and lauded OP’s daughter for having a bit of foresight.
“Your daughter is a smart woman to want counseling before she makes any visits to the altar. The man she’s engaged to kept her in the dark for two years!" Abby responded. "I can’t help but wonder what else he may be hiding. It may take time for her to trust him again — if ever.”
Trust is the foundation of a relationship, and Abby’s right: Trust might be gone forever.
Abby also said that the whole situation was ill-advised.
Sure, OP’s might-be son-in-law was trying to help a friend, but not covering himself legally was a bad idea.
“Her fiancé and those friends should have consulted an attorney about his role as a sperm donor while it was still in the planning stages, if only to avoid any confusion in the future. It’s not too late to do that now, and I strongly recommend it,” the columnist advised.
Some commenters on Facebook agreed with Abby.
“typically, the children are legally the husbands as they were born in marriage, but since the donation was not done in a medical setting, the donor could potentially sue for rights and also be required to pay support,” someone wrote.
“Idiots. All of them except for the poor daughter,” another comment blasted.
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It’s time to do some serious thinking.
Abby gave some pretty sound advice. OP’s daughter and her fiancé need to take all of this seriously. If that means professional help, they need to find a counselor. Sadly, it might mean a breakup too. It all sucks, but do you really want to marry someone who doesn’t respect or trust you enough to tell the truth?
It is tough to think about, but thankfully it all came out before marriage and not afterward. Now OP's daughter has plenty of time to think it through and be sure that her choice will mean she is living her best life.
