When you move to a new town and don’t know anybody, the one solace you have is that you know your partner will always be there for you, right? Well, not for one woman, whose husband really let her down after moving across country and now a miscommunication about a simple text has shaken her relationship with her spouse to the core.
The whole mess started when the original poster and her husband moved across the country to a new city.
As she explained in a since-deleted post on Reddit’s r/relationships, the OP and her husband have been married for two years and have been together for five.
“Our relationship has always felt solid – no crazy fights or cheating or anything,” she wrote. “He’s very supportive and caring.”
When her husband got an “amazing career opportunity” across the country, it seemed like an exciting opportunity to try something new.
The problem was that they had to leave a lot behind to start their new dream.
“My lifelong friends and siblings all live in our old area,” she explained. “I also left a job I loved with coworkers I loved, and I’ve been work-from-home in a new job that’s just okay. My husband left behind a lot of close friends he loved, too.”
The first few months of their move were rough, but the OP’s husband soon started reconnecting with childhood friends and was working in-office, so he was able to adjust more quickly.
'I struggled being work-from-home and not really able to go out and meet new people easily due to the pandemic,' she explained.
The OP only really socialized with her husband and his new friends — but it wasn’t enough.
“I also felt really homesick. I went through a period of depression where I didn’t have much energy and cried almost every day,” she wrote.
Slowly, it all came together for the OP. She started making friends in their neighborhood and at work, and became closer with her in-laws.
'My mood has improved 100%,' she wrote.
The couple even decided to start trying for a baby, so the OP went off birth control.
“I had bad periods before starting birth control in my teens, and they returned with a vengeance this month,” she explained.
The OP has been hormonal, feeling depressed, crying, and in pain all week.
“Then my period started, and it’s been painful,” she added. “I’ve tried not to bother my husband too much with this because he has a work deadline.”
The OP texted her sister, who also has bad periods, for a little commiseration.
The OP wrote, “I’m so miserable, this is the worst period of my life.”
“This text was kind of out-of-the-blue, we weren’t texting about periods or anything,” the OP added.
Her husband came home to find the OP crying. He gave her a hug and then the OP went into her office to do some work but accidentally left her phone behind.
“My sister texted back, asking if I was crying again,” she wrote. “The text popped up on the screen, and my husband said it made him worried, so he decided to unlock my phone and read.”
Her concerned husband called her to the living room.
“He said he felt like I was slipping back to the depression I had when we first moved and that he’s upset I hadn’t told him that things were getting bad again,” she wrote.
He also told her that he thought they should postpone having a baby “until we could work through these mental health issues.”
“Because life isn’t some stupid movie, I explained that the text was about my menstrual period, and that I was having a bad week because of it, but life overall is going great,” she added.
The two laughed off the misunderstanding — but then her husband got serious again.
He asked her if she was really happy in their new town or if she wanted to move back to their old one.
“I told him there were still things I missed, but I’m happy here and want to have our family here,” the OP recalled. “I asked if he was happy, and he said he’s never been happier, and that if I couldn’t be as happy here as in our old area in the long-term, it would be a dealbreaker.”
The OP was shocked.
“If you have dealbreakers, you voice them BEFORE you get married,” she wrote. “Plus it’s unrealistic for me to know how happy I will be in one place versus another in the long-term.”
The OP told him this and the two didn’t speak for a couple hours, but eventually her husband came back and apologized.
“He said he felt like everything came crashing down when he thought I was miserable again, and that he kept putting his foot in his mouth and explaining his thoughts wrong, which I tried to understand,” she wrote. “But then he said he thought I should go stay with my sister in our old city for a few weeks??? I asked him why I should do this and if this was a separation, and he basically said he didn’t know.”
The whole thing sounded 'crazy' to the OP.
“First he’s concerned about me and talking about my/our issues as if they’re problems we’re tackling together as a team,” she wrote. “Then he’s talking about dealbreakers and setting unrealistic standards for our happiness.”
Now the OP is looking for advice.
“Has he already checked out mentally? Should I be prepared for him to ask me not to come back? I know that we/I will need counseling regardless, but do you have any other advice?” she asked.
Some people thought the OP's husband was merely having a freak-out.
“I think your husband made a leap in his thoughts that wasn’t based in reality and then started spiralling,” wrote one person. “You’ve both been through tough times in the last little while and I can imagine there’s even more pressure from wrapping you head around kids. If it was me, I would chalk it up to a meltdown and wait for it to blow over.”
“My husband leaps to the worst case scenario. I think your husband likely leapt to worst case, and started spiraling,” someone else agreed. “I personally wouldn’t leave. Let things cool down and revisit why he felt the need to ‘give you space.’ In my husband’s more rational mind, he says things like that because he feels it’s what I want, instead of listening to what I actually want/need.”
“Agree and warn if he is spiraling, if she agrees to go he will likely take that as confirmation of his fears,” someone else chimed in. “He may be subconsciously setting up a test for her. It may not be his overt desire to test her, but the end result may be the same.”
Others had a totally different answer.
“Are you sure he hasn’t met someone?” one commenter wondered. “It sounds like he started his life over back in his hometown, and he is looking for excuses to get you out of the home. Sorry if this sounds like a jump. But it’s really weird that he is pushing you to think you may not be happy in the area, and that you should go visit your sister. Like he’s trying to make it your fault things aren’t working, so he won’t feel bad if he divorces you.”
“I dont think its a jump at all,” another commenter agreed. “He’s setting up an impossible situation by saying she has to have the same level of enthusiasm that he has about living in a place that benefits him – near his family, near his friends, where he has a great job – while she’s stuck at home and knows no one.
“And if she doesn’t have the requisite amount of enthusiasm, that’s a ‘dealbreaker’ for him,” the person continued. “Now he’s trying to send her away. Maybe he expects her to realize she likes living in the old city more, or else he just wants to live like a single guy.”
Another person commented: “This. First red flag is that he went through your phone. Second is that he’s reaching for problems where none exist. Highly suspicious behavior. I’d bet he’s met someone.”
Unfortunately, this is one of those relationship problems that can only be resolved with excellent communication skills. One commenter probably said it best: “This seems like the perfect opportunity to visit a therapist/counselor.”
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