Opening your home and your heart to a foster child is a beautiful thing. The adults and the child may even form a bond that is unbreakable. In some cases, fostering turns into a permanent situation, and the child is adopted, and they all officially become a family. This can be a wonderful thing for everyone. But it doesn't always work out that way.
Even when a foster family is already in the process of adoption, a family member can come forward wanting custody of the child. Depending on the case, that may happen, which can cause heartache. A woman and her husband went through a similar situation with their foster son, and are sad that he is no longer in their care after a member of his biological family was granted custody.
The woman's sister-in-law was adopted at birth, and while she was supportive of her family at first, she has flipped the script and become downright nasty about the whole thing. The original poster had some choice words for her SIL and posted to Reddit's AITA forum for opinions on who is in the wrong.
OP and her husband spent a long time with the little boy.
OP, 34, and her husband who is 36, have been foster parents for six years. Most recently, they fostered Kayden, who they quickly fell in love with. The situation was supposed to be temporary, but quickly became more long-term. He was in their home for around two years.
After some soul-searching, OP and her husband decided to adopt Kayden. OP's SIL, 40-year-old Denise, was extra supportive and helpful throughout the process since her parents adopted her at birth, and she had some related life experience.
"Things were fine until we shared we were going to adopt Kayden. Denise said that we were stealing a child from his family and we should fight to keep him with his family-despite no family stepping up," OP wrote.
A family member decided to adopt Kayden.
OP and her husband were devastated when Kayden's relative came forward to adopt him. It was a tearful goodbye for everyone, but OP understood it was best.
"The family has also decided we shouldn't see Kayden. It's their right and we understand – but we've been essentially cut off from his life and we'll never see him again. It's hard," she wrote.
She was understandably shaken and grieved for the loss of someone she truly loved. Most of her family have understood her grief and been supportive. Denise is not supportive. When OP saw a picture of Kayden on her phone recently and got upset, Denise was pretty nasty.
"You need to cut this out. He wasn't your child. This is what's best for him. If you truly loved him, you'd be over this by now," Denise said to her.
Well, OP didn't like that, called her a b—-, and told her to leave her house. Did Denise deserve it, or was OP the a–hole?
OP loves Kayden.
How can Denise not understand that OP and her husband really love Kayden? This bothered many Redditors who want Denise to have a bit of compassion.
"NTA," someone wrote. "It's completely understandable that you still have feelings toward Kayden. There was a genuine chance you would adopt him. While Denise is probably right that it's best for him, she is being unkind and unsympathetic to your feelings. I don't blame you for yelling at her."
"NTA," another Redditor agreed. "She had no respect for your totally understandable grief. She behaved as if your feelings didn't matter at all, even though you took good care of Kayden and made him a part of your family for two years. It's a testimony to how much you cared about this child that you were heartbroken over losing him. You're entitled to feel sad about it and to grieve in whatever way you need to."
"Or is jealous that you love Kayden so much while she feels she was unceremoniously given away?" someone wondered. "Something is going on in that head of hers that needs attention."
Denise needs to think about the child, too.
Doesn't Denise get that Kayden is probably hurting, too? In essence, he lost the only parents he knew, which is really hard for a child. They were a family. If nothing else, have compassion for the kid.
"I think it's fair to stretch it further and say any relationship of this depth would be hard to lose regardless of if it's a parent/child or partner or even best friend," a Redditor pointed out. "A deep bond was created and then severed, this isn't just about adoption it's about loss of someone loved."
Another person agreed: "NTA – you are perfectly capable of being glad that kayden is with his birth family and will have a permanent home while also grieving the loss of someone you cared for and loved dearly and was part of your family."
Denise, you are being unkind.
Sorry, Denise, you lose. You treated everyone in this situation coldly and unfairly. And while name-calling isn't always the best way to go, you probably deserved it. We don't know if you have kids, but if you do, you have to understand how a mother feels, and that is what OP was.
She loves Kayden, and she will not see him anymore. It's sad for her, and her heart is broken. That is completely understandable. You can't control someone's love or grief. Leave her alone.
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