Having kids changes everything, including the “spicy” aspects of life. It becomes more of a challenge to have sex because new parents are tired and focused on keeping a tiny human alive. This can be a difficult adjustment for some, especially when partners are on different pages about frequency.
A lot of parents struggle to find time to be intimate. If you can relate, you’re not alone. Some people are surprised their sex lives are different after they welcome a new family member, but it’s completely normal to experience an adjustment in intimacy.
One mom and wife took to Reddit to get outsiders’ opinions when she and her husband couldn’t agree on how much sex was reasonable. She is happy with how things are but her husband wants more. People online were happy to weigh in, and users on the site had some good insights about what’s normal when it comes to sex after kids.
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The wife described her current situation as “a bit of a stalemate.” She is hopeful that she and her husband can “work toward a solution because, right now, we both are just getting annoyed with the other for initiating/rejecting all the time,” she wrote in her post. This is where outsiders’ opinions could be helpful.
This wife gave her fellow Reddit users the backstory, explaining, “We generally have sex once or sometimes twice a week with a bonus blowjob for him once a week too. We have a 1.5 year old and a 3 month old. I feel this is more than enough, but he still mopes around when I don’t want to have sex 2 days after we just did.”
She concluded her post by asking for advice on what to do.
The responses were mixed.
Many on the site thought that the couple seeking advice was doing pretty good already. “Holy s— I wish we had the energy to have sex that much. That’s a LOT.” one user quipped.
“My husband and I didn’t even have that much sex before we had a baby,” chimed in another commenter.
Some people wanted to know how much sex they were having before kids. Others wanted to know if the husband does his part around the house and maybe even a little extra on the days he wants to have sex.
“Maybe if he doesn’t want to hear too tired, he could help a bit more on some days so you can revitalize a bit,” one person suggested.
Many commenters had an issue with the husband’s behavior. “Pushing you to have sex when you don’t feel it will not help your attraction to him in the long run. He’s training your brain to think of sex as a chore,” one person pointed out.
“Your body is not a utility for others to use, even your husband. Sex should be a shared activity. It took about a year for sexy to be comfortable and for my sex drive to come back,” another commenter shared.
There was some helpful advice from one user who has been in this wife’s exact situation.
“I asked my SO to let me initiate and explained that him begging for or being visible annoyed by not having sex was a huge turn off me (and made me feel pressured),” she explained. “He asked me to initiate more often and not use ‘to tired’ as an excuse not to initiate. We now have more sex then I’d like and less then he’d like, but the almost daily annoyance from him trying and me saying no is gone.”
This sounds like a reasonable compromise.
There are no right answers.
The tricky part of this situation is that there are no easy answers. It really depends on the couple.
“I can’t help you with a magic number,” one commenter mused.
“Its 100% up to you and you alone…period,” another person pointed out.
Some others had words of wisdom about focusing less on the numbers and more on the orgasms. It doesn’t matter how many times you do the deed if everyone is satisfied with the experience, the pointed out.
“Focus on making the sex you DO have a little more fun/intimate/adventurous/whatever you used to do,” one person advised. “If it feels like a chore it won’t be enough to satisfy you both. Make it fun again. Or kinky. Do what you gotta do to love sex again!”
Solo sex is also an option.
Some commenters acknowledged the elephant in the room, pointing out that the husband is always free to take care of himself, if you get the drift.
One person put it pretty bluntly: “I’m assuming he has hands and access to a computer and some lotion? He can help himself.”
Someone else made a spicy confession: “I bought my husband some toys. It has worked well.”
Caring for kids is a lot of work.
At the end of the day, it’s both a privilege and a challenge to raise children. It sounds like this couple got a lot of good feedback and advice. Now it’s up to them to sort through it, have meaningful conservations, and decide what is best for them. They clearly are not alone in their struggles, and often there is solace in that.
