Real couples share the 7 rules they have for sleeping with other people

Oftentimes, in relationships, the assumption is that a couple will be sexually and emotionally exclusive β€” but for some couples, monogamy just doesn't work.

Even sex-advice columnist, author, and host of the Savage Lovecast podcast Dan Savage says that for the right people, "ethical non-monogamy" can work.

I spoke with four different couples β€” some in open relationships (where you only have sexual encounters outside your relationship), and some in polyamorous ones (where you have multiple relationships, sometimes with one of them being your "primary" partner) β€” for whom it doesΒ work… but not without a few ground rules, of course.

Keeping in mind that every couple has its own unique set of rules, here are some of the ones that work for these four.

All names have been changed.

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Jane, 31, and her husband Daniel, 29, have been married for about four years, and opened up their marriage three months in. "The main rule we have, I think, is that there are always condoms involved with third parties," Jane says. "Everything else (sex acts, potential partners, etc.) is up for discussion and has actually evolved over time, really."

Angela, 27, and her boyfriend Todd, 29, agree. "We always, always have to use protection with other people," she says. "So far we've mostly used male condoms," but on occasion the couple will use female condoms, depending.

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"We went into the non-monogamy waters slowly," Angela says. "For the first year, we only kissed other people. We wanted to make sure it was right for us."

"[Now] we can kiss a new partner without getting the other person's permission beforehand," she continues, "but we need to check in before we sleep with someone for the first time."

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"[My boyfriend and I] are completely honest," says Hannah, 27, who has been dating her boyfriend Toby, 26, for about five years. "If there's something I don't want to share, I'll say why, or give a timeframe that I need to ruminate on something."

"We're very, very, very open in terms of communicating," Jane says. "We tell each other everything β€” it's part of what's fun about doing this. We also tend to do a lot of it together, so most of the time we're both participating (that is, we will both go out on 'dates' with other couples or single people)."

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"Sometimes, I don't want to know details," said Hannah. "We decided we are primary partners and do practice hierarchical polyamory." (Hierarchical polyamory means you have your primary partner, who comes first, and then secondary β€” and maybe even tertiary β€” partners.)

"But life is hierarchical," she notes. "I live with my primary partner; there's an inevitable hierarchy to that."

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Jane's husband Daniel says it's a good idea to outline with your partner what's OK (and not OK) to do outside of the relationship β€” and maybe even write it down.

"We, being lawyers and nerds, actually wrote a 'contract' of our rules when we first started," he says. "The idea wasn't that we could go back and be like, 'you broke the contract!' so much as it was a way of forcing us to verbalize our perspectives and assumptions, and make sure they match up.Β 

"It also got us to talk about things and issues that we hadn't even considered (like, for example, whether we can spend the night with other partners)."

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Liz, 27, is dating Matthew, 25, who already has a girlfriend; Liz is his secondary partner. But anything else involving Liz, her partner, and someone else has to be cleared with Matthew's girlfriend. "Sexually we can do whatever we like," she says, "though if we wanted to involve another person we'd have to clear it and discuss it with his girlfriend."

Hannah says the same: "We each have a veto, but it's more of a hard check-in… I don't have to like my metamours, but I make an effort to be respectful."

The same goes for everyone being on board with whatever sex acts are involved.

"You can't question someone else's needs and boundaries," Liz says. "My partner's girlfriend doesn't want him sleeping with men, which is pretty silly to me, honestly, this gender-based double standard, but I don't say that to her. You have to respect each other's needs and be OK with them."

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Everyone I asked about rules said this: They're not written in stone.

Daniel and Jane say that the contract they wrote together was "updated a few months later"; Hannah and Toby say their rules have "evolved over time." For example, Hannah says, "We started out with a no-mutual-friends rule, and mostly have stuck to that," with some exceptions.

"The establishment of certain ground rules is critical for emotionally responsible non-monogamy," Angela says. "But those rules also change."

"There's no silently dealing with what your partner wants," Liz says. You have to be "upfront about what you want and what you need, and willing to make active compromises with your partner."