We often use euphemisms such as self-pleasure, alone time, mommy time, finger painting, etc., but it all means the same thing. Say it with me loud and proud (unless the kids are listening): masturbation.
Not only has society conditioned us to feel like this word is taboo, but it’s also made us feel that women — especially mothers — shouldn’t make sexual self-love a regular part of their lives or even talk about wanting to. To some extent, you were a sexual being before motherhood, and you’re a sexual being now. There’s no shame in exploring and satisfying that part of your identity.
Still, it can feel impossible to find the time, privacy, or even desire to masturbate when you’re a 24/7 employee at Mothers Inc. This is even harder as a single parent, but it’s never out of the question.
Should You Masturbate?
As a sex therapist, my answer is a resounding YES — and I’m not just saying that to keep myself in business. The benefits include better sleep, stress relief, stronger pelvic muscles, lighter menstrual cramps, and less muscle tension. It’s also been shown to boost your sex drive and self-esteem significantly.
Masturbation puts you in touch with your sexuality. Whether you’re seeing someone, want to see someone in the future, or have no interest in partnered sex at all, it helps you continue to understand your body and what makes you feel good. This leads to more satisfying orgasms for partnered and solo sex.
Considering that most of us only spend 13 minutes pleasuring ourselves on average, it’s hard to argue that masturbation isn’t worth the time.
How To Find the Time
Between work, shopping, cooking, cleaning, packing school lunches, paying bills, and the hundreds of other tasks that come with single motherhood, it can be tough to find even 13 minutes to yourself.
But those minutes are there, and they’re most often before bed. Not only does masturbation help you sleep, but you have the best shot at privacy when your little ones are in bed. You can find those minutes in the shower (especially if you have a detachable showerhead). Those minutes are there when the kids are at school, on a playdate, or even during your lunch break if you work remotely.
For most of my clients, the problem isn’t about having the time; it’s about allowing themselves to have the time.
Many mothers get trapped in a cycle of constant stress and work. When you have a kid, everything you do is for the child as much as it is for you. Before children, we rarely have a problem with letting a dirty stove sit overnight, telling our boss we can’t handle an extra assignment for the day, or leaving a pile of laundry unfolded. After kids, these behaviors somehow make us feel like bad parents.
In these cases, I advise my clients to follow that chain of thought a little further. What’s going to happen if you trade a few minutes of work time for personal time? Will your kid end up in therapy 20 years down the road because of a few nights of unwashed dishes? Will they starve if you don’t say yes to every extra hour of work that gets thrown your way?
I’m not saying you should leave the house a mess, but I encourage you to find one thing you do every day that isn’t a life-or-death task. Take that chore and swap the time you’d spend doing it for time you can spend alone. You can even pick a different task each day and rotate them throughout the week.
Don’t get me wrong — sometimes you will need to compromise comfort for work. But it’s impossible to do that all the time. Sometimes you’ll need to compromise the work instead. You deserve self-care as much as your child deserves your love, and taking care of yourself will only make you a better parent as you feel healthier, less stressed, and more personally satisfied.
It’s also important to remember that your alone time won’t be perfect. You’ll get interrupted by your phone, kids, pop-up tasks, and more. Sometimes you won’t have any energy or desire to masturbate. That doesn’t mean masturbation is hopeless, so don’t give up! All it means is that, like everything else in life, self-pleasure won’t always work out.
What if My Child Walks in on Me?
I know what you’re thinking. There’s no guarantee of privacy at night, during school hours, or even in the shower with a child in the house. You’re right, and that’s OK! You are not going to traumatize your child just because they burst through your door to see you fumbling with your bedsheets.
It might be an awkward conversation, or they might not notice anything out of the ordinary at all. They will, however, pay attention to your reaction and learn from your behavior, so it’s important not to act ashamed or to lie if they understand what’s going on.
You shouldn’t expose your children to erotic behavior, but they won’t be hurt if they accidentally walk in on you. That being said, you should have a functioning lock on your bedroom door, and there’s no harm in using it while you masturbate. If you don’t have a lock, you might feel more comfortable in the bathroom.
Keep any sex toys you have locked up and any electronics with pornographic material password-protected. Oh, and don’t make the same mistake my mom did. If you give your child a hand-me-down phone, delete the sexts first.
Getting Through 'Zombie Mode'
“But Aliyah,” one of my clients said to me, “by the end of the day I’m in zombie mode. I feel sexual during the day, but when by the end of it all I want to do is sleep.”
This issue is more specific to nighttime masturbators, but I’ve heard it so many times that it’s worth discussing. If you don’t want to masturbate, you don’t have to. It has awesome benefits, but so do multivitamins, and I wouldn’t suggest taking those all the time if you hate the taste and have trouble swallowing. Likewise, you should never engage in sexual activity if you don’t want to.
There’s a line, however, between exhaustion and neglected sexuality. You can be so exhausted that nothing sounds sweeter than sinking into your blankets and drifting to sleep, and that’s normal for mothers. You can also be so preoccupied with a busy life that sexual behavior gets less and less frequent until it’s hardly ever on your mind. This is normal too.
I like to call this “sexual hibernation,” and although it won’t kill you, it won’t do you any favors either. Some of us experience spontaneous desire throughout our lives. This means we want sex before we get aroused. You may have experienced this before, be experiencing it now, or never have experienced it all.
We treat this type of arousal like it’s the norm, but that’s not necessarily the case. Many of us always have, currently do, or someday will experience responsive desire instead. This means that we won’t really want sex until we’re already aroused.
For many single moms, day-to-day life doesn’t involve a lot of arousals. This means that you might enjoy masturbation at the end of the day even if you’re tired but you won’t desire it unless you start.
If you think this might be the case, I recommend touching yourself gently as you drift asleep, playing with your vibrator, or even watching porn before bed. Masturbation is supposed to be a relaxing and enjoyable activity, not another chore. Give yourself the chance to be aroused and see how you feel. You may find that self-pleasure becomes something you start looking forward to all day.
The Takeaways
Even though it can feel difficult to find time to masturbate, there are moments throughout the day and night when you’ll get the chance. Sexual pleasure is more than just a luxury: It’s good for you, and you deserve to experience it.
Finding time will take some trial and error, but so does every aspect of motherhood. You can have a healthy and satisfying solo sex life as a mother, and if you keep at it, you will.
