Christine Mielke of Temptalia isn't just a makeup expert, she's a revered product reviewer with a reputation for saving her readers a of money. She's brutally honest in her reviews, so when she loves a product, you can bet that it's a solid purchase.
So when a product doesn't live up to her standards, Mielke employs wordsmithery on par with with greatest literature writers of our time. Her bad reviews are priceless. She minces no words and makes no excuses for shoddy product. Mielke has just bestowed upon us her bad review Hall of Fame, and I promise, you won't stop laughing for days.
Urban Decay Wired Pressed Pigment Palette
Mielke was not best pleased with Urban Decay's latest eye shadow and pressed pigment palette. She noted that it was markedly worse than the brand's similar Electric palette, which came out in 2014 — the look above took 10 minutes with Electric, and 30 to get the same look with the Wired palette. Yikes!
"The phrase 'abandon hope all ye who enter here' was where I landed after using the palette five times," she wrote in her review, giving the palette a D grade.
Too Faced White Chocolate Bar Eye Shadow Palette
Take a look at the photo of her eye look above. Does it look like she's wearing product? Nope. Does it instead look like she's about three weeks healed into a black eye? Yes, yes it does. This is because the shadows in the Too Faced White Chocolate Bar Eye Shadow Palette were, in her experience, so powdery that nothing clung to her eyelid and sheered out upon application.
"It makes me feel like the brand doesn’t care, takes no pride in their products, and has no desire to improve their products," she lamented in her review.
Fenty Beauty Metallic Lip and Eye Crayons
This lipstick, woof! You better believe she called out this formula's patchiness and uneven texture immediately: "The big issue was that I could not press my lips together, not even once, whether intentionally, accidentally, or while talking, or else the color would lift away noticeably." On her eyes, the crayon "flaked off or lifted away randomly" when she attempted to blend it out. Her lip swatches are so, so sad.
Nars Soft Touch Shadow Pencils
This is one of Mielke's most-hated products — she called it her "makeup nemesis"! In her review, she murdered any notion that these eye pencils were worth the money: "All four shades creased on me within five minutes," whether she used primer or not. "Imagine me fumbling down the hallway with my eyes closed so that I can get at least one photo where it doesn’t look like Crease City." A solid F rating.
Makeup Geek Sparklers
Mielke reserved significant brutality for the Makeup Geek Sparklers, which were small pots of loose glitter that were advertised as not needing a base or adhesive to stick to the skin. Not only did the glitter not adhere to her face, the pots were packaged without sifters, so the products made a giant mess. "I just can’t fathom why this product is released when the packaging isn’t functional," she wrote, questioning why the brand didn't even disclose the lack of sifters on the site's copy. Every single shade got an F score.
Ciaté The Jessica Rabbit Palette
Right from the get-go, Mielke ruined this palette's entire existence. She called it a "prettily packaged piece of garbage that Ciate should be ashamed to have put on the market, let alone marketed to add 'va-va-voom' to one’s look." Ouch!!!
She cited the formula's powderiness, writing that it was a "veil of disappointment" on her eyelids. As the shimmer, she said that it clung oddly to her skin texture, making it look like she had "dragon scales." Once again, Mielke saves us all from buying crap makeup.
