I’m gonna be real with you, right out the gate. The title to this article — at least to me — is a little bit of a tease. Why do I say that? Because while I do believe that some sexual experiences can be better and more satisfying than others, at the same time, rarely do I think that sex is actually and/or totally bad. What I mean by that is “bad” to the point where it can’t be fixed — especially when it comes to long-term committed relationships.
To me, whenever one or two people come to me and say that their sex life sucks (and not in a good way), 9 times outta 10, it’s indicative of other things that are happening (or not happening) in the relational dynamic — things that they are saying is sex’s “fault” when it actually goes much deeper than that.
So, if you’re someone who feels like sex that you’re currently having with your partner is yawn-worthy at best or something you’d prefer to avoid as much as possible at worst, ask yourself the following questions. Your answers may be just what you need to get things back on track.
Have You Purged Your Past?
Before getting into what could possibly be happening between you and your beloved, let’s touch on two issues that some people deal with in silence. The first one is comparing your spouse to a person from your past. Listen, one of the reasons why I give virgins their props when it comes to waiting until marriage to have sex is they don’t have anyone to compare their partner to. Shoot, even if the sex wasn’t the best ever — how would they really know? Sure, they will evolve into learning what does and what doesn’t please them, but it’s not like they can internally pout about who did what better.
The rest of us? Yeah, that can kind of be an outcome of having multiple partners that we didn’t expect because, the reality is, the more people you’ve been with prior to marriage, the greater the chances become that someone did something better than your spouse does.
The solution for that? Well, your memory is your memory and there’s not much you can do to change it. However, I would say that you should first be honest with yourself about whether or not you are over someone from your past. Then you should take the internal honesty up a notch and ask yourself if you’re secretly comparing your spouse to that individual (or individuals). And if either of these are the case, you need to have a purging session whether that’s talking things over with a trusted friend, doing some journaling, or even seeing a marriage therapist/counselor or life coach.
Again, if someone had you climbing the walls more than your spouse … it kind of is what it is at this point. Still, it must go on record that great sex with someone else doesn’t mean that you can’t have great sex with your partner. If you’re struggling with accepting that to be true — I’m willing to bet that there are some lingering issues going on that have very little to do with sexual technique. Straight up.
BDE Ain’t All It’s Cracked Up To Be
This leads to another point that needs to be discussed. When you get a chance, check out an article that I penned a few years ago entitled, “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”. Bottom line, a friend of mine married a man who, to this day, has not given her any orgasms (she doesn’t like oral sex, so … ) and they’ve been married for close to two decades. A big part of the issue: He thinks that having a big body part is enough, while she has evolved into wanting (and needing) much more.
While I definitely think that they both could stand to see a professional about different hang ups they have in the sex department, I wanted to throw this in here regardless, because I’ve had clients before who complain that the sex with their husband isn’t good because his penis isn’t as large as they’d like it to be. Listen y’all, the average penis is 5.5 inches erect, while the most intense nerve endings in our vagina is in the first 2 inches of entry.
You know what this means, right? Your man can totally “hit the right spots” even if he’s not leaving the biggest print on his sweatpants (check out “Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)”). The problem is a lot of us have literally been programmed — yes, programmed — to think that a large member is required to get the job done — and that’s simply not true.
So, if the sex isn’t stellar to you because of his anatomy, I’m here to tell you that you’ll have to find a better answer than that. My girlfriend can attest to the fact that BDE sometimes is nothing more than hot energy that’s running on ego fumes.
What Does 'Bad' Mean?
Being a writer makes me pretty word literal. So, I know that bad doesn’t just mean “not good in any manner or degree." It also means “having a wicked or evil character; morally reprehensible” and “of poor or inferior quality; defective; deficient." More times than not, when a couple comes to me and says that the sex is “bad,” it’s usually the last definition that they’re speaking of. It’s deficient, and deficient speaks to some level of lack.
So, if that’s you — what’s lacking? Emotional intimacy? Sexual creativity? Are certain needs (in order to climax) not being met? Is there not enough foreplay — or afterplay? Are you not as attracted to your partner as you once were? Do you feel a sexual disconnect somewhere?
In order to find a solution to any problem, you first need to be clear on what the problem is and how it came to be in the first place. When it comes to this particular topic, defining what bad means for you is an excellent starting point.
Was It Ever Good?
Not too long ago, I was having a debate with some wives of 10 years-plus about how, to them, sex becomes less and less necessary over time. THE HELL YOU SAY?! I know too many couples who’ve been married for 40 years or more who say that their sex life has only gotten better — and more consistent — over the years for me to fall for that. What I typically tell women who feel that way is, “I don’t know anyone who doesn’t prioritize the things that they enjoy doing.” And more times than not, you can hear a pin drop afterwards.
So, that leads to the next question — was the sex ever good to begin with? Or — and hey, let’s go there — was it just a means to an end when you were dating? Let’s keep going — were you faking orgasms and now you don’t know how to “fess up” to your spouse to let them know that you’ve always been pretending that you were satisfied? Or maybe it’s been over the past few years since kids have come into the dynamic that you feel differently? Perhaps you’re like a few wives that I know and you’ve never had an orgasm before or you’ve never even really liked sex and so you’ve kind of just had it for your partner instead of with them.
You know, just like bad has literal definitions, so does good:
Good: morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious; satisfactory in quality, quantity, or degree; of high quality; excellent; kindness; benefit.
This time, let’s focus on the words “satisfactory” and “benefit.” When something satisfies you, it fulfills "the desires, expectations, needs, or demands of (a person, the mind, etc.); give full contentment to." In order for your partner to do this, you first have to know what your desires, expectations, and needs are and then you have to clearly communicate them. After all, it’s ridiculous for you to expect your partner to be able to read your mind.
While we’re on this topic, it’s also ridiculous for either of you to expect things to remain exactly the same as life progresses. For example, if you desired lots of raw passion in the beginning and now you desire more romance, you need to speak up and say that. You also need to be open to the fact that your partner’s needs may have shifted too.
As far as benefits go, sex is definitely supposed to be beneficial. One definition of benefit is advantageous. A definition of advantage is “any state, circumstance, opportunity, or means especially favorable to success, interest, or any desired end.” When it comes to sex, what is your “desired end?" That’s a super valid question that I promise a lot of women don’t have the answer to because they don’t give sex a lot of thought outside of when they’re actually having it. Yet as you’re seeing more of these questions unfold, do you get how all of the dots are connecting?
Is It BAD or Are You Just BORED?
A rising reason for divorces (and sexless marriages) is sheer boredom. When we were kids, we didn’t like to be bored and that doesn’t really change much as we grow and mature. I mean, who wants to fall into a rut of tedious repetition whether they’re 10 or 80? Yet, in marriage, that can easily happen — including in the bedroom — when two people are not proactively intentional about keeping things fresh and new.
Do you and your partner have a sex bucket list? When’s the last time you tried some new sex positions? Do you always have sex in the bed? Is sex ever spontaneous? When’s the last time you took a vacation for the sole purpose of having sex? Do you own any sex-themed games? Have you tried orgasmic meditation before? When’s the last time you gave your hubby a lingam massage?
I could go on and on, but I think you get the gist. If the mechanics of sex are fine but it’s just gotten to the point where things are so predictable that you’d still rather be doing other things, share those thoughts with your spouse. Be open to the fact that they might be feeling the same way. If so, the good news is you both can bring some spice into the relationship by coming up with fun and — most importantly — exciting things to do.
Good Communicators Typically Have Good Sex
You see how I’ve mentioned a few times that communication is important? That’s why I’m such a fan of the saying, “Good sex in a marriage is 10% of a marriage while bad sex is 90% because what goes on in the bedroom sets the tone for what’s happening in the rest of the house.” It’s kind of another message for another time but it’s unfortunate that we live in such a hyper-sexed culture that a lot of people ONLY see sex as being PURELY recreational and nothing more. In marriage, it goes so much deeper than that.
Sex is about cultivating oneness with your spouse. Sex is about making each other feel wanted and desired. Sex is about physically expressing love to each other (sex doesn’t “make” love but it certainly should celebrate it). Sex is about reminding your partner that out of all of the people in the world that you could’ve been with — you chose them and that includes you chose them to have an exclusive sexual connection with. Sex is sacred. Sex is spiritual. Sex is a way to engage your partner that’s incomparable to anything else.
If you’re not feeling any of these things right now, you need to talk to your partner about it. Don’t degrade them. Don’t bark demands at them. Don’t get frustrated because they may not have picked up on any of your cues. Even in marriage, sex can be somewhat of a sensitive subject. So, wait until you’re both in a calm mood and try and avoid having the discussion in the bedroom (that can be a mood killer). Then share what’s on your mind in the same manner and tone that you would like your spouse to speak to you. Being open, honest and heard, on both ends, can be its own aphrodisiac — believe it or not.
Sex Reveals a Lot About the Overall Relationship
I once had a wife try and tell me that although she was in a sexless marriage (that’s technically considered to be coitus that happens no more than 10-15 times a year), her marriage was good. There were no health issues. She claimed that there were no other apparent problems in the relationship either. Sex just wasn’t a big deal to her and her husband was at peace with that.
Chile, about two months after that conversation, she wanted to book a session because she was mad that she found out her husband was having an affair. My response, “Even the Bible says not to deprive your spouse because it can cause all kinds of problems” (I Corinthians 7:5, to be exact). Because really — a part of being faithful isn’t just not sleeping with someone other than your partner, it’s also about you having sex with them too (right … a lot of folks don’t want to deal with that part).
As we wrap this up, I think this is a good place to pause and ponder. When two people love each other, are attracted to each other, enjoy each other, experience pleasure on an incomparable level with each other — how can the sex ever be bad? Not only that but why would they intentionally want to avoid experiencing it because even if the act itself isn’t a “10” … figuring out how to get there is a part of the fun … right?
Part of what comes with marriage is learning your partner as they learn you. And when it comes to sex, it shouldn’t be a “performance” so much as a mutual experience.
Personally, I don’t care what the dynamics are — when two people who love each other want to please each other, sex that is “bad” can only get better and as it gets better, it can become the best.
You signed up for the long haul, right? What’s the rush? Enjoy learning. #wink
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
