I once went out to dinner with a group of coworkers-turned-friends who were all slightly younger than me and just entering different phases of their serious relationships. After hours of talking, laughing, and of course complaining, one of them casually asked how long my husband and I have been married.
I sort of hate telling people. The answer "seven years" (but one at the time) really doesn't do it justice. Although that may seem like a lifetime to folks, the truth is I've been with my husband exclusively eight more years than that.
That last part always tends to stun people. One of the women who was having a particularly rough go in her relationship asked me a single-word question incredulously: "How?"
And here's what I told her, more or less, but with a few additions to provide more perspective.
The truth is, our 15 years together hasn't been smooth sailing, even though we never broke up.
We hit a really rough patch during the "between phase." After years of being together while waiting for actual marriage, we both grew apart a little. Without going into explicit detail, mistakes were made by both of us.
When it came down to it, we asked each other and ourselves if we really wanted to be together, and we arrived at a hopeful yes. And arrival to that yes ultimately led me to telling my coworker this: "We allowed each other to change."
In a lot of entertainment, there is a common plot tool that writers use to create tension, and it typically boils down to one half of the couple accusing the other of changing.
Well, duh dude, of course she did.
It would be downright terrifying if we were in a state of homeostasis 24/7. The notion that your partner needs to remain the idealized version of the them you cooked up in your head when you began dating is absurd. Normal, functioning humans change because their needs change.
What I wanted out of life at 18 when I met my husband isn't even on my short list of things I want now that I'm in my 30s. Allowing each other room to grow and change and "try on" different opinions and world views is what keeps us together.
Of course, this really only applies if both parties are fully compliant.
There have been seasons for both my husband and I that have come to pass where the other wasn't ready for incoming changes. But giving each other the room to explore different parts of ourselves makes handling life's curveballs a little easier. In this approach we are able to give each other supportive space.
It's been especially handy now that we are raising a family together. Allowing each other to heal our inner children and to have big feelings ourselves has helped us better relate to our son.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I had stayed the same person my husband met me as.
My core values really haven't changed, but my view of the world, life, love, and parenthood certainly has 100 times over. And I am sure his own views have as well. Giving each other this space allows us to grow and evolve together. It takes a ton of uncomfortable communication at times, a lot of listening, and a hefty dose of humility to do this whole marriage thing.
The way we see it: When one of us wins, boths of us win. And if we need to make changes to be the best versions of ourselves for ourselves and each other, the other partner needs to be on board.
Most importantly, though, allowing each other to change and grow means we regularly get to choose to be together, over and over and over again.
Sometimes we've grown in ways the other doesn't understand or maybe even approve of. But with the help of communication and healthy coping skills, we are able to walk each other through the decisions that have led us to this new frontier. And each time, we do our best to understand where the other is coming from. Do we always agree? No. But none of these things escalate to deal breakers.
Although yes, sometimes folks do change for the worst, there are plenty of times people simply outgrew the box they created together at the beginning of the journey. Giving your partner grace for growth can be a really rewarding experience for you both.
And I am so thankful that I get to grow with someone who not only refuses to put me in a box but someone who also helps me throw the whole box away.
