Talking to daughters about dating (and all that it entails) may be more challenging than talking to her about anything else. It may be our own (sometimes bad) dating experiences that cause fear, but when mothers translate what we've learned, we end up with solid advice. And after speaking with 17 moms, we've collected great conversation starters for talking about dating with daughters.
The moms we interviewed didn't hold back. They looked deep into their own experiences, and the many situations they've seen their friends go through. These thoughtful responses can really help younger women when they start dating. And really, a woman of any age could probably learn a thing or two about relationships as well.
And there is so much we want for our kids when it comes to dating. When we look deep within ourselves, we will see that we have been teaching our kids respect and how to stand up for themselves since they were just babies. We want them to feel confident, to trust their instincts, and to never tolerate being mistreated.
We want them to feel safe enough to open up to a parent if they ever need help or advice. These tips from other moms help put all those things into words, and start a very important dialogue with our daughters.
"Enjoy healthy intimate relationships."
"My advice begins young. I want my girls to enjoy healthy intimate relationships. And that begins with knowing and trusting how to discern their own feelings and intuition … and then to give voice to those knowings. I want them to know they are worthy. And that they deserve respect. And that if they don't value their worth and respect themselves, they aren't going to find it outside of themselves. Also, we talk a lot. About everything. Everything." -Rebecca W., New Paltz, NY
"It's okay to be single."
"Don't worry about dating! It's okay to be single. Worry about figuring out who YOU are and what makes YOU happy before you worry about bringing someone else into your life." — Christina L., Des Moines, IA
"Don't rush anything."
"When my daughter considers dating someone, I would like her to ask herself: 1. Does this person treat me and others respectfully? 2. Does this person treat me like an equal? and 3. Do this person and I laugh and have fun together? If it's yes to all three, then go on a few more dates and get to know them even better. Let them get to know you better. Don't rush anything." — Amber F., Lees Summit, MO
"Never rush into marriage."
"I have lots of advice, but the biggest one with me is 'Never rush into marriage because feel your biological clock is ticking away. Take your time. Learn, laugh, and love your way into a beautiful relationship. All good things take time.'" — Leah H., Birmingham, AL
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"Pick the boy who enjoys the binomial theorem just as much as you."
"I asked my 8-year-old if she had a boyfriend. She looked at my face full of scorn and said, 'I have better things to do than date a boy.' Okay, but maybe do those great things with a boy. Relationships mean you do things together. Why not great things?
It led to me asking her, innocently, about a new boy at school. And she said, 'Yeah, but he doesn't like the binomial theorem. I can't be with someone so basic.' So my advice is to:
'Pick the boy who enjoys the binomial theorem just as much as you.'" — Ginger G., Apex, NC
"First bring him to meet me."
"If you want to date someone, first bring him to meet me. If my first impression is that he's a bad kid, don't date him … because as your mom, I know!" — Jennifer S., Harris, NY
"Dating is like buying shoes."
"As the mom of three daughters, I have my share of stories. But the advice I give them is to always be true to who they are. Stay weird, stay silly. Dating is like buying shoes. Sometimes you find a pair that totally fits, looks great, but you walk in them for a week and they give you blisters. Sometimes you build calluses and your feet are made stronger by those shoes. They end up being your favorite pair. Sometimes they cause you more trouble than they're worth.
And there are so many choices! Don't limit yourself to one pair right away. Settling on one isn't the same as taking your time and finding your favorite. Also you can have more than one favorite pair.
So yeah. Dating is like shoes.
Love is love." — Erika H., Davenport, IA
"Never let your own self-worth be diminished..."
"Never let your own self-worth be diminished by your partners' opinions of you." — Sarah S., Sweet Home, OR
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"Hold on to who you are independently."
"Don't allow yourself to disappear into your relationship. Hold on to who you are independently, and the right one will respect you for it." — Kelley P., Friendswood, TX
"If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away."
"I like to quote the book by Nikita Gill, Advice to Teenage Girls Finding Their Way Through Love. 'Do not allow him to consume you. If he does not call, go to sleep. If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don't wait for him, go home and do something you love. If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, spend more time with your friends. If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely. If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him. If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him. I cannot stress this enough, you live for yourself first. He is a secondary character in the story of your life. Do not allow him to turn you into a secondary character in your own book.'" — Maura O., New Paltz, NY
"Don't have sex with him for a few months of dating."
"I will tell my daughter the same dating advice I give my 40-year-old girl friends. Don't have sex with him for a few months of dating! You could lose your power, get attached, and fail to see things. If you wait, you end up not falling for jerks." — Jen H., Melville, NY
"Ask yourself if he would fit in at our table."
"Ask yourself if he would fit in at the table with our family. If not … rethink things." — Lori Bradley, Orange, VA
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"Never give up on your own dreams for a guy."
"The most important piece of advice I have for my teen daughter is to never give up on her own dreams for a guy. When I was young, I let so many opportunities pass me by for the sake of a relationship that ended up falling apart anyway. I want her to make herself a priority, and to never let a guy stand in the way of becoming the person she's meant to be. In the end, no relationship will ever work if you're not happy with yourself." –Jacqueline C., Greenwich, CT
"Never ignore anything that makes you uncomfortable."
"Never ignore anything that makes you uncomfortable or unhappy. Those things don't go away, and you won't get used to them or get him to change them. They will only get worse." — Christie H., Longmont, CO
"Never settle..."
"Never settle for anyone that doesn't treat you the way you would want to be treated. You should be treated with respect and dignity. It's okay to be picky when choosing a man to be with or to date. Choose someone that makes you happy." — Carlie R., Venice, FL
"If you think you are wasting your time, you are."
"Don't waste your time! If you think you're wasting it with someone, you are." — Lauren K., Hyattsville, MD
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"No person is more important than you or your education."
"No person is more important than you or your education. Your first priority in life is taking care of yourself, and that means getting good grades, setting a life path, college if you want, being financially independent, and finding a job that makes you happy. Because if that relationship doesn't work? You will be fine, because you've set yourself up for success and can thrive alone." — Cody B., Canton, NC