She can’t prove it, but one woman is having trouble shaking the feeling that her in-laws are trying to get the jump on her and name her baby. The letter writer, aka LW, who shared her story in a note to the Dear Prudence advice column, explained that after a family member recently died, her in-laws included her unborn child in the obituary. But admittedly, she’s irked that they included a baby name even though she and her husband haven't chosen one.
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After struggling with infertility for years, the LW and her husband were finally expecting a baby.
They were thrilled about their upcoming baby, she wrote in her letter. A recent death in the family, however, threw their baby name plans for a loop.
“My in-laws included our unborn little one in the obituary — and they also included a name," she wrote.
The problem is the LW and her husband hadn’t picked a baby name yet.
So how in the world did her in-laws come up with the name they shared?
“The name they wrote is indeed a contender on the middle name list (although this has really soured me on the name altogether),” she wrote.
Although she’s sure it was 'kindly meant' — she’s not really certain how she should take it.
The mom-to-be thought she’d made it clear that they were considering giving the baby “a name from my (non-English) first language.”
“I doubt this was meant to strong-arm us into a name, and more a strange reaction to grief, but the entitlement still irks me,” she added.
In an effort to be sensitive to their loss, she hasn’t said anything about the gaffe, but going forward should she bring it up or let it slide?
“Do I laugh it off with a ‘That’s one way to vote on your favorite name,’ or would a direct response be more appropriate?” she asked the columnist.
Some commenters thought the LW should give her in-laws a pass on this one.
“I think you're correct in thinking the in-laws didn't pre-name the child with intent or malice, they are dealing with grief, give them the benefit of the doubt,” one commenter wrote. “I don't think addressing this is necessary, in fact, it may inflame the situation. That said, parenting involves many skills, many of which involve discipline, communication, setting boundaries, and self-control. Now is the time to start practicing those skills in preparation for when the baby comes, you'll need them in the years to come.”
Someone else agreed. “People often do strange things while they’re grieving. Chalk it up to that unless something changes.”
A third commenter had a different perspective. "Can we discuss the craziness that the baby was even mentioned, let alone named (without basis)? The deceased family member never even met the baby, as the baby is still in utero," the person wrote. "I'm guessing baby was mentioned as part of the "Deceased is survived by [living family members]" section, but still seems a very strange addition. Unless there's another baby in the family who was given this name, and LW jumped to conclusions assuming they meant LW's baby!"
The columnist agreed — let’s give her in-laws the benefit of the doubt.
Most likely, it was only the OP who caught that wording in the obituary, writer Danny M. Lavery explained.
“Although they obviously mean a great deal to the loved ones of the deceased, they’re not the sort of document that gets revisited often or that people refer to in moments of uncertainty,” he wrote.
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So no matter what her in-laws included, the chances are no one else noticed it.
“Since it was likely the combination of grief and a muddled game of telephone or an honest mistake, not someone’s way of trying to force your hand, that resulted in an also-ran middle-name possibility, just feel privately irked for a while and then let it go,” the columnist continued. "When the time comes, the LW should send out baby announcements with the right name, and that should set her in-laws straight about what the baby name actually will be.
“If you want to drop this name from contention because it irritates you now, that’s perfectly fine — choosing a name means dropping a lot of contenders for relatively low-grade reasons,” he added. “But don’t make extra work for yourself. You’ll have plenty in front of you when the baby arrives — and congratulations!”
