For some new parents, the biggest feeding question is breastfeeding or formula. But for one woman on the internet, the question is how does she get her nearly 70-year-old mother-in-law to understand that she can’t breastfeed her baby. Apparently, her MIL wants to give it a try after never breastfeeding her own kids, but according to her daughter-in-law this whole thing has gotten really weird.
And let's be clear: This wasn’t an isolated incident. The Original Poster’s MIL wanted to breastfeed her sister-in-law’s baby too.
As she explained in a post deleted in the r/JUSTNOMIL forum that was later posted to the r/JustNoTruth forum, her SIL was due with her first baby in six weeks, so grandma is pumped to try and "help" in this way. And her SIL is here for this idea.
“She read that grandma’s help breastfeed babies in some cultures and wants to give it a go,” the OP explained.
Her SIL and MIL have always had an “enmeshed” relationship. ”I’m not even that surprised they’re going to try to make the new baby’s arrival as weird as possible,” she wrote.
But she never thought her MIL would come for her and her baby.
“Now that she’s got this idea that she’s going to breastfeed ‘her grandbaby’ she’s started to come for me saying that she doesn’t want a stronger bond with one baby more than the other (Dear Husband and my youngest baby is 2 months old),” she wrote.
So her MIL came up with an idea — she can practice on the OP’s baby.
She even wanted the OP to teach her how to breastfeed “since breastfeeding was a big fat fail for her back in the day when her kids were babies (and I’ve breastfed three kids successfully).”
With a little practice, her MIL hoped that she can breastfeed both her baby and her SIL’s baby at the same time.
“Her eyes gloss over as if it’s some f—ed up dream of hers to tandem feed them,” she explained.
But really, it’s all so she can help the OP.
If her MIL can breastfeed, that means she can have the babies overnight and extended visits “since she can feed them,” the OP wrote.
“Even if all parties were cool with grandma sticking her tits in baby’s mouth, like she’s 70… how the f–k are you going to look after two newborns?” she continued.
The OP also wondered if her MIL could “even re-lactate?”
Both the OP and her husband are against Nana breastfeeding their baby.
“I was like ‘uh absolutely not. Gross. So inappropriate for you to ask,’” she recalled. “Of course this all falls onto me in her eyes, she’s mad saying I’M standing in the way of her having a closer bond with her grandbabies.”
Her MIL is conveniently overlooking that OP's husband — her son — also thought this was pretty weird.
The OP told her MIL that she can go to a lactation consultant if this was so important to her, “but that she will never ever breastfeed any of my babies no matter what.”
Most people were just as confused as the OP was.
"I'm pretty sure that this is not within the bounds of elderly women's physiology," wrote one commenter on Reddit.
"Er…yes, grandmothers sometimes co-breastfeed in some cultures, if they're still lactating, in their thirties, forties, perhaps even fifties if they still have an older nursling themselves," someone else explained. "You and your SIL (and other close women of childbearing age) might also co-feed in those cultures. I think your MIL has got hold of the wrong end of the stick."
A third person put it this way: "You can’t breastfeed without working ovaries. So if her ovaries are kaput then she’s not getting anywhere with her idea. She probably doesn’t realise that some grandparents are premenopausal and in their 30’s.
"Found the whole no ovaries = no milk out when I had twin newborns plus had ovarian cancer," the person continued. "…doctors said once the ovaries get removed means No more breastfeeding. Theoretically it’s been 20-30 years since her menopause so those ovaries….. sigh… just no."
Other people thought the way this conversation was shaking out was sort of — ageist.
"Instead of thinking maybe MIL is having some sort of medical issue, let's run to the internets so we can all have a laugh at old women," one person wrote on Reddit.
"I can’t imagine many (any?) scenarios where I would want anyone other than my wife breastfeeding my son," someone else commented. "But that kind of request just warrants a 'no, we’re not doing that,' and maybe dealing with any escalation that happens from there, not … all the nasty stuff people said that I was going to add here but I already just took a shower and don’t want to feel like I need another one."
"OP is completely justified in being weirded out by the request. It's inappropriate and massively crosses the line," a third person agreed.
"I could even understand it being reason enough to take a break from the relationship, considering her reaction to being declined," the commenter continued. "But that should be the case, no matter MIL's age. Having someone, anyone demand to breastfeed your child and get upset when you say no would be absolutely mortifying, regardless of whether it was someone in their 90s or a fresh-faced 20-year-old."
How we talk about the OP's mother-in-law matters. But on the other hand, no mother should feel pressure to let another woman breastfeed her child.
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