From the moment your wee babe is born, you're so excited — filled with wonder about this brand new life and all the possibilities.
That sounds a lot like a Hallmark Ad, right? I've been practicing saying that with a straight face for a week now. Don't get me wrong, the sentiment is right, but when your wee babe starts to do these hilarious things, wonder is often replaced with laughter.
Kids are funny. Parenthood is funny. Life is, well, FUNNY.
Here are the baby milestones from a real mother's point of view.
8 Weeks – Smile! Baby learns to smile….especially when you slam your hand into the car door or trip over that pesky dog. Sleep deprivation is a BITCH. And babies, as cute as they are, lack empathy. So they'll start smiling at you. Which is a good move on their end – who wants to be up all night every night with a baby who glares at you?
2-3 Months – Rolling Over. The first few times Baby does it, there will probably be tears, because rolling over scared the crap outta them. It's okay. Soon enough they'll be rolling all around the house, especially toward that delicious bowl of dog water. This should be your cue to baby-proof the crap outta everything (if you haven't already).
3-4 Months – Grabbing. This is pretty rad, because it means they can fetch their OWN Binkie if need be. It also means they'll start batting at your beer bottles and anything you try to eat. Get used to eating cold food, Mama, because it all begins here.
6 Months – Baby's First Game – Peekaboo is why you're probably guzzling that tasty beer. It's a great game to play with baby…once or twice. But babies, like kids and puppies, love repetition. So get ready to sit there and play Peekaboo for hours. And hours. And hours. Pay a neighbor kid to sit and play the game with your kid if you need a break. You can only act surprised for so long.
6-10 Months – Crawling. Okay, so you're going to be wicked excited the first time Baby does this. Soon, though, you will mourn the period where Baby stayed where he was put. Why? You'll NEVER get it back. Ever.
8 Months – Sitting Up. Easily the best part of babyhood. They've grown out of that lumpy newborn and into a nice, solid baby, who can sit up and occasionally slump over. See, this is great because you no longer have to sit there and support them – they can finally do it themselves. If only they'd get a job and support YOU, right?
10-18 Months – Walking. Walking is similar to crawling in the level of excitement you'll reach before realizing, SHIT, this baby is NEVER gonna stay put again! It's a whole new level of watching. But you'll probably be happier when this one rolls around because for a good while before Baby walks on his or her own, he or she will want YOU to hold his or her hands and walk with them. It's hell on your back.
12 Months – Birthday! You've successfully helped Baby go from a lumpy newborn to a sleek toddler. Congrats, Mama! You did it! Now go take a nap.
