You know it the moment it strikes you: Your cuddling instinct kicks in, you yearn to pet a peach fuzzed head, and you start to fantasize about throwing your birth control in the trash. You've got baby fever, sister.
Most of the time this ailment pops up when a friend or family member presents you with an adorable infant, freshly hatched. Or perhaps you see a new mom or dad at the store and they don't seem exhausted and stressed out at all. Sometimes these new families look so good, they make you forget all of the pain of the early days of baby-raising.
BUT THAT'S ALL A FARCE! Don't forget lady, you said you were stopping at two. Or one, or five; whatever you said, you are DONE. Just in case the baby fever is taking hold to the point of you making an entirely irrational decision, do these five things immediately. You'll thank me later.
1. Find a recording of hyenas crying. Set it to go off around midnight until 5 a.m. While it's crying, stand up and hold onto a 7-pound bag of rocks while wearing nipple clamps.
2. Place warm chocolate in five Ziploc bags. Place them in hard-to-clean areas such as your new couch, the bottom of your purse, in your freshly dry cleaned jacket. Survey the damage, and calculate costs.
3. Make a list of must-do errands for the day such as work, grocery shopping, farmers' market, doctor appointments for toddlers, volunteering at your child's pre-school co-op, making Christmas dinner. Now, do it all with an extra 35 pounds of bulky weights around your middle.
4. Fantasize about taking a trip to Paris. Remind yourself that it will never, ever happen if you have another baby.
5. Empty out your bank account.
There, now don't you feel better about not being knocked up yet again? I know I do.
Do you have baby fever?
