When you're pregnant, there's often an unspoken joy that overwhelms you as you start to think about the life you're housing inside your body. There's excitement, a bit of nervousness, and warmth that fills your soul. But there's also a side to pregnancy many women will experience that can feel dark and helpless: miscarriage.
The American Pregnancy Association says that 10 to 25 percent of (clinically recognized) pregnancies will end in a miscarriage — proving pregnancy loss happens more often than you think. And though no book or study guide can truly prepare you for such an emotional journey, it's important for women to know they don't have to walk alone.
Mothers, including members from our CafeMom community, are opening up about the pain of a pregnancy loss and the advice they want to give other moms who are going through it. Hopefully, this will help other women in this situation know that you're not alone — and feel reassured to hold on to hope.
Know You Aren't Alone
"If there's one piece of advice I could give to a mother who is enduring such a troubling ordeal, it's to know — and realize — she isn't alone. Miscarriage is not prejudiced and affects so many women from so many walks of life. It might feel like the world is caving in on you and that no one can ever understand your pain … but there are [those who do]. It wasn't until I spoke to some friends of mine that I realized they too had miscarriages. So please, momma, know you aren't alone." — Samantha T.
You Deserve Support
"I experienced a very late term loss and was inconsolable. Talking helps us deal with the loss, but many friends and family and even clergy do not want to listen. I never expected anyone to say some magical words that would make me feel better, but I needed to talk about my baby because her life mattered.
"My advice: Find a person or group who is supportive. Do not feel guilty about being sad and grieving for your lost child. Do not allow this loss to destroy your life or relationships with your spouse, family, and friends. For me, it took 6–12 months to finally be okay with the new 'me.' Let someone hug you. Let others love you." — KenneMaw, a CafeMom community member
Take the Time You Need
"My advice is to grieve. Take the time you need. It took me over a year, plus a tattoo, before I was able to move on with my life after losing our daughter Kahlan at 36 weeks in 2003." — mcginnisc, a CafeMom community member
Take Care of You
"Having a miscarriage threw me into a weird state. I was so focused on taking care of others — making sure my husband was okay, and reassuring my parents they would get the grandchild they so wished to love — that I didn't really stop and take time for myself. In many ways, I think that was my way of dodging the situation that eventually left me burnt out and an emotional wreck.
"To my fellow women who find themselves a part of those who've experienced a miscarriage, please take care of you first. Go for a walk by yourself, and take time to remove yourself from the chaos of life and just reflect. You'll be better because of it." — Hallie C.
Don't Let Others Tell You How to Cope
"Only you know what you're experiencing. Don't ever let anyone tell you how YOU should be coping. Take as much time as you need to heal and grieve in your own way." — Janice F.
More from CafeMom: I Feel Empowered to Talk About My Miscarriage Because of Moms Like This
You'll Never Forget the Child You Lost
"Please know you will NEVER forget that lost child … It doesn't matter if you were five weeks or five months along — that was your child and you will always remember them. And it might hit you at random times long after you feel like you're 'over it.'" — Anonymous
You Don't Deserve This
"You are NOT broken. It is NOT your fault. As much as it hurts, and God I know it hurts, you've done nothing to deserve the pain. Things happen and they suck, they suck so bad, but it doesn't make you less of a woman or a mother." — KrystaB, a CafeMom community member
You Won't Always Know the 'Why'
"I am one of the healthiest people I know. I eat kale, work out regularly, rarely drink, and don't smoke … and I suffered three miscarriages over the last 10 years. Each time I asked my doctor in tears, why me? Was I doing something wrong? Was I not eating the right thing? As it turns out, the pregnancy just didn't take, and I wasn't the problem. I've been blessed to welcome two children during that time, but will always question why the other three ended in a miscarriage. It's something I have to live with and something I'm still learning to live with." — Farrah B.
More from CafeMom: 15 Things Never to Say to a Woman Facing Infertility
You'll Likely Have Triggers
"After I lost my baby, I thought I would be okay with time … but I wasn't. Things like reading my friend's Facebook posts about their kids, babysitting my nieces, and those cheesy commercials that would make me cry on end were all triggers that brought me back to my miscarriage. I never made what happened public knowledge (only a few people know), and as a result, I had to be aware of places and situations that might trigger a negative reaction." — Chelsea W.
Writing Can Help When It's Too Hard to Speak
"When I lost my baby at 11 weeks, I didn't know what to feel and just went … numb. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but yearned for an outlet to just vent. Journaling was my saving grace that helped me put my feelings and emotions into words that were so hard to speak to others. I journaled for six months after the loss of my child — often leaving entries for my husband to read.
"My journal was such a blessing to my life and ended up being a source of support to a dear friend of mine who went through a similar experience recently." — Kadira G.
Healing Will Come
"My miscarriages came after two healthy pregnancies, so that made it even harder, I feel, because I knew my body could do it, so it was devastating that it just wasn't working anymore. Then acceptance and healing comes. So that's another thing to keep in mind. You do heal, you do learn to accept that for whatever reason, that pregnancy was just not meant to be." — Anonymous
Prepare for Changes to Your Body
"I have had six first trimester miscarriages. They [were] very hard …. Know that you are going to have a hormone crash that will make you feel like you can't function. At least [it] was that way for me. With my last I cried laying on the floor for four hours." — Swan77, a CafeMom community member
More from CafeMom: Why Miscarriages Are So Incredibly Painful
It Helps to Let Your Partner In
"As hard as it will be to want to open up to others, at the very least, please don't close yourself to your spouse or your partner. I did this with my husband after the loss of our baby at 12 weeks and regret it. Although I had to endure the physical ramifications of suffering a miscarriage, both of us had to deal with the emotional reality of knowing we weren't going to be able to raise our child. It took months for me to let him in, and that's when I realized how much of a wreck he was. Looking back, I wish I could've been there for him as much as he was for me." — Helen O.
Getting Pregnant Again Will Be Scary
"I had three miscarriages in between my two kids — and never thought I'd be able to have children. The best advice I can give to a mom currently grieving a pregnancy loss is to know you'll be petrified the next time you get pregnant … but don't let the fear consume you. Always hold on to hope." — Celeste P.
Get Ready for a Rainbow
"It still hurts to think about the son I lost two years ago. I was crippled, felt so defeated in my mind — questioning my worth and worthiness of being a mother — that I never thought I would be able to get out of such a dark and depressing situation.
"… Almost a year and a half later, I gave birth to my daughter Isabel — who will never take the place of the child I lost, but keeps my heart full and, in many ways, saved my life.
"If there's one thing I can tell women who have a miscarriage, it's to hold on to hope. Your rainbow baby is coming." — Noel P.
More from CafeMom: Mom Meets Her Rainbow Baby in Stunningly Powerful Photos
