If there's one thing that all mother-in-laws need to learn in order to improve their relationship with their kids' spouses, it's to recognize early on what their role actually is when a grandkid enters the picture: grandparent and not parent. One grandparent-to-be is seriously struggling with this and asked for advice after her DIL laid down the law and gave a heads up that she won't be allowed in the delivery room. Let's just say that Grandma isn't taking this well…
A "second-class grandma" is agonizing over her DIL's "cruel" decision and asked for help online.
The anonymous grandparent-to-be, who is only identified as "second-class grandma," wrote in to Slate's Dear Prudence requesting help during a live chat. The woman explained that she was "stunned and hurt by the unfairness" when she learned that her DIL, Julia, only wants her husband and mom in the delivery room during the birth of her first grandchild. To make matters worse, her son is supporting his wife instead of taking her side.
"I called Julia's parents and asked them to please reason with their daughter, but they brusquely and rather rudely got off the phone," she wrote. "I've felt nothing but heartache since learning I would be banned from the delivery room."
Despite being told that she can come in the room as soon as mom and baby are cleaned up, that isn't good enough for this grandma and she wants the world to know how slighted she feels. "I've always been close to my son, but I no longer feel valued. I cannot bring myself to speak to Julia," she wrote. "I'm being treated like a second-class grandmother even though I've never been anything but supportive and helpful. How can I get them to see how unfair and cruel their decision is?"
Mallory Ortberg from Slate was blunt and frank with her perfect response.
After flat-out telling Grandma that she's wrong, Ortberg tried to break it down for her since she obviously doesn't understand. "Your daughter-in-law is giving birth, which is a pretty difficult, painful, and intimate process. She has every right to plan ahead for just how many people she wants to be in the room for that," she wrote. "This is not about you."
She also attempted to put it into perspective by pointing out that she still gets to be a part of her grandkid's life, so nothing is actually being taken from her. "Frankly, I can see why they don't want you in the room, if 'But I was a nurse! and I'm a second-class grandmother' is your response to 'Please hang out and read a book in the hallway while Julia is crowning,'" she wrote. "Let this go. Do not rob this moment of its joy by keeping score and demanding more."
More from CafeMom: Mother-in-Law Weaseled Her Way into Holding a Newborn Before Mom & the Internet Put Her on Blast
Boom! Others online aren't on MIL's side and agree with this straightforward answer.
After reading this grandma's post, one user wants to send flowers to the DIL — not for the new baby but for the obvious "long road ahead" she's going to have dealing with this grandparent.
Many pointed out that giving birth isn't for a grandparent's entertainment.
"My own mother wasn't allowed in there. Stop being selfish, it's not your baby not your decision. Geez," one mom commented on Facebook. "Start setting boundaries now and man up, dad!"
Others just want her to recognize the serious flaw in her reasoning.
"I'll take 'reasons my MIL never gets to even see the kid' for $600, Alex," another user wrote.
And they can't get over that she's already crossed every line there is before the kid is even here.
"I am always baffled when a mother complains that the child took the side of their spouse," one user commented. "Yes. That's what they're supposed to do! Honestly, the amount of entitlement and self-victimization of this grandmother is extraordinary."
More from CafeMom: New Mom Reveals What It Was Like Having Her MIL Carry Her Baby
Hopefully Grandma learns a valuable lesson from this.
Even though it wasn't the response Grandma wanted, hopefully it makes it clear that she needs need to respect her son and his wife's completely appropriate boundaries before she does permanent damage.
