Although we all want to be affectionate with our little ones and show them endless love, there comes a point when some parents also need to have a serious conversation with their little ones about personal boundaries. That's the situation one anonymous parent faces after their 7-year-old not only asked to kiss them on the mouth and worse: asked to kiss them "or show me how they kiss in movies." Now this mom or dad is a bit freaked out about what to do. Is there a right way to tell the kid that smooches with parents need to be rated G?
The parent has concerns about a young daughter's infatuation with kissing and sent a letter explaining them.
Sure, giving your kid a peck on the cheek or lips is completely normal. But as the parent explained in a letter written to Slate's Care and Feeding advice column, the little girl is really going for it when she gives them a smooch.
"My 7-year-old keeps trying to kiss me on the mouth," the parent wrote. "She asks if we can get married." And it only gets worse at bedtime.
"When she’s tired or getting a little wild at bedtime, it can devolve into her trying to kiss me or show me how they kiss in movies," the parent added, and explained that the duaghter saw Mama Mia once. "I dodge. I say I don’t like it. I tell her she can kiss me on the cheek. I refuse to let her get close enough to do it. But what the he–??"
Before people could ask, the parent was clear that they didn't think she was getting this from another adult being inappropriate or any chance of sexual abuse. But that doesn't mean the behavior isn't concerning to this parent.
"So two questions: How much should I be worrying about this, and how do I get her to stop while teaching her that this is a bad, bad idea and she shouldn’t be kissing anyone on the mouth?" the parent asked.
Some people online were clear: Her attempts at "movie" kissing a parent is completely gross.
One person was simply grossed out. "Man, my wife and I caught enough viruses from our daughters as it was," the person wrote in the comments. "I hate to think about how much worse it could have been with slobbery lip kisses."
"That is really, really weird," another person agreed. "I had zero interest in that kind of kiss with anyone, let alone a parent when I was that age … gross! I mean, we did have to go through that talk when I was 4 or 5 that you can't marry your siblings, but there were zero weird romantic feelings."
And someone else shared a slobbery story of when a child took things a little too far. "I knew a dad whose daughter slipped him the tongue at that age," someone else commented. "After bleaching his mouth he had to have a very blunt convo about boundaries. She just had been watching music videos and saw it on TV."
But others thought it was harmless if not boundary-pushing.
"I remember when I was little wanting to play-act with my mom 'kissing like they do on TV,'" one person wrote. "She didn't express any disgust or rejection. She just said, 'That's how grown-ups kiss each other. Save that for your boyfriends.' You could, in the 21st century, amend that to 'Save that for the people you date' or whatever."
And someone else shared that although she has a "lovey family," she and her husband always made it clear what their boundaries are. "I wasn’t given much as a child, so I’ve always made it very clear to my girls that I love them, so they say it and we say it maybe fifty times a day. This also means a lot of huggy and kissy toddler times … but, once they were around 10, I think, we started with cheek kisses only. Mostly because my husband wasn’t terribly comfortable with lip kisses, but also because I knew the girls were becoming older and you have to stop some time. It’s a very easy transition, you simply turn your head and say 'Cheeks!' And they laugh and kiss you on your cheek. It’s not that hard."
Someone else encouraged the parent to relish the attention. "Figure out a way to handle this phase of open affection, because the day is coming, sooner than you know, when you may attempt to hug her, maybe in front of her friends, or at school, at the grocery store, etc., and she'll squirm out of your arms in embarrassment or strong disapproval. While it's most likely that this is also just a phase, in those moments, you just might find yourself longing for these soon-to-be-good-old-days," the person wrote.
In the end, the advice columnist agreed that although it's uncomfortable, it's most likely a phase.
Columnist Nicole Cliffe was confident that with a little redirection this parent could get the daughter to stop asking to French. "I strongly suspect this is not a real problem," she wrote.
"I think the best tack to take with the kissing is to continually stress that we get to decide how other people touch us, and where, and that she has those rights too, and that you don’t want to be kissed on the lips by her," she continued.
Cliffe advised that the parent take the child out to do some extra activities "and show love in all sorts of healthy ways, and I’m pretty sure this will dial down on its own in good time."
But she did also recommend that the parent check in with the daughter's "teacher and any other care providers if they’ve noticed anything odd recently, in case she’s acting out in similar ways with other adults, but I really would be surprised to learn this is anything other than a slightly belated 'let’s glom Mommy and Daddy' phase!"
