This article is part of a series dedicated to providing support and visibility to motherhood in every one of its forms. To read more stories on what motherhood looks like for all types of women, visit This Is Motherhood.
Although the average age to become a first-time mother has been growing steadily older, most women will be in their 20s when they have their first child. Given that fertility starts to decline after 30 and that dreadful label "geriatric pregnancy" starts getting kicked around after 35, it can feel as if there's a lot of pressure to start a family sooner rather than later. But for some women — either by choice or circumstance — pregnancy has to wait until 35 or even later. Although being an older mother can mean approaching parenting with more wisdom and maturity, it can also mean feeling out of place and having to face parenting challenges younger moms could never imagine.
Rebecca K is a mother of three who had her first child at 35 and her last baby just two weeks shy of her 41st birthday. She shares what being an older mom is really like:
I desperately wanted kids since I was about 12 and puberty kicked in. I worked as a nanny and even got a master's degree in elementary education because it felt as close as I could to being a mother. But I didn't meet my husband until I was 33, so becoming an older mom wasn't really a choice I made. It was just life circumstances.
When I got pregnant at 35, my midwife wanted me to get a thumbs up from an OB/GYN that I was low risk before she would take me on. (I had her for all three pregnancies.) I didn't take long to get pregnant each time: five months for the first baby, and two months for the second. When I turned 39, I read several articles that discussed how difficult it was to get pregnant after 40. I panicked. I jumped the gun on trying, and it took ONE MONTH. Yep, first time trying, BOOM.
Fertile Myrtle.
Pregnancy wasn't super hard for me any of the three times. But labor and delivery were a different (difficult) story. I was more tired. I didn't feel as strong. And afterward, recovery took longer and was harder — especially after the last one.
I don't often feel judged, but I sometimes feel like an interloper — like I have to explain that I'm an old mum to other parents with kids the same ages as mine who are a good 15-plus years younger than me. I sometimes wonder if folks will think I'm grandma. As if I don't feel like my chronological age and life phase are out of sync, I'm just finishing up grad school to start a new career at 46. Also, perimenopause is a HUGE thing I'm going through right now, which is a thing that young moms aren't even thinking about. And, not to be bleak, but I also lost my both my parents to cancer fairly young, so it's super hard to hear younger moms talking about grandparents. My heart breaks, and it makes me feel alone.
There's just a lot to juggle when you have young kids, plus losing your own parents and dealing with aging.
When I compare myself to younger moms, I've noticed my perspective is a little different. I've known so many different types of people and parenting styles — especially from my years as a nanny. I feel more confident in my own choices than I would have in my 20s. At the same time, I feel like I'm less judgy than younger moms. Young moms sometimes seem more attached to one method or another and feel strongly about the "right" way to do things. I know that the "right way" doesn't exist.
Motherhood is messy. NO ONE gets it right. As long as we love our kids and do the best we can with what we have, they'll be okay.
I wish people knew to be sure to include older moms. Recognizing that all mums have unique gifts and strengths and abilities to offer their families and kids is so important. Most friends my age have older kids (some are already grandparents!) or have decided not to have kids. My mommy friends are mostly 10-plus years younger than me. It can feel awkward to feel stuck in the middle, like you don't quite fit properly into either group (same age peers or stage of life peers). I've got less energy. I'm worn out! But I have experience up the wazoo, so that helps.
Maybe the kids also keep me young. But please don't assume I'm grandma!
