Making the rounds on Reddit is a story that's equal parts sad and, well, just plain awkward. In it, an anonymous user explains that she and her wife conceived a baby girl three years ago with donated sperm from their friend "Mike." Mike died suddenly last month, which was both a shock to the couple and all those who knew him. But following his death, his mother came forward with a special request: She wanted to know if she could meet "his daughter."
According to the mom, her close friend helped her and her wife conceive their 3-year-old daughter but in no way wanted to be her "dad."
"When we were starting our family, our close male friend (let's call him Mike, then aged 26) offered to be our sperm donor," she wrote. "We did everything properly, using lawyers, and we all decided that he would in no way be the child's dad, and that he would know the child simply as a family friend until the child grew older and wanted to meet their bio father."
According to the poster, the mother said she knew Mike had donated sperm but had no idea it was to a couple that was close to him.
"At his funeral reception, I made a speech (one of many), and mentioned how unspeakably grateful I was to him for helping us start our family," the poster shared.
It was apparently this small admission that led Mike's grieving mother to connect the dots and realize that the child he'd help create didn't actually belong to a stranger living somewhere far away.
"A few days later I received a message from Mike's mother on Facebook," the poster continued. "She asked politely to meet my daughter, and I agreed, figuring it would help with her grieving process."
But before the meeting could even take place, Mike's mom messaged her with a question that made her feel a little uncomfortable.
In a text, Mike's mom asked to see photos of the poster's daughter at various ages "since I've missed so much time with my granddaughter already."
Needless to say, the poster (and her wife) started to get a little uneasy — not about sending a few photos, but about Mike's mom suddenly viewing their child as though she were her natural granddaughter.
"Her wording gave me pause," the poster wrote, "so I messaged back clarifying that it would be a one time meeting, and that my daughter already has two loving grandmothers."
Okay, issue clarified … right?
Wrong. "That apparently was not what she had in mind," the poster continued.
"She told me since Mike was the father that she should be able to form a relationship with my daughter, and in her messages she repeatedly referred to Mike as her father," the Reddit user explained. "I told her my daughter doesn't have a dad, but two mothers, and she responded by saying that one of us wasn't the 'real' mother and that I was being selfish."
HOLD. UP.
"She has no other children, and Mike died childless," the poster went on, "so she'll never have a grandchild now."
Honestly, I do feel for this woman. It must be truly heartbreaking to lose your only child, and perhaps the thought of her only shot at having a biological grandchild got the best of her.
But still.
"I should point out that I don't know this woman, having met her only at Mike's wedding and then his funeral," the poster adds, which certainly helps put the story more into context.
It was at this point though that the poster says she "cut her off," saying that she was "no longer allowed to meet our daughter at all."
Her reasoning was that she felt she'd "worry about the situation getting out of hand."
"I don't want this lady blurting 'I'm your grandma!' and confusing my young daughter," she explained. "I tried to be understanding since she just lost her son. But her rudeness is not making me want to do her any favors."
Many Redditors agreed that the "grandma's" behavior crossed the line, and the poster was right for cutting her off.
"She totally had a chance to do this thing right, and could have followed in her son's footsteps family friend style," wrote one commenter. "But instead she decided to delegitimize your relationship and your parenthood! She probably would have offended her own kid, too, considering how he felt about the matter."
"It's clear that this woman has no sensitivity toward your situation and zero willingness to follow your lead on it," wrote another. "Whether or not that's because she's devastated by his death and she's overwhelmed trying to make a connection with your daughter, it's still inappropriate."
"I'm betting this is why Mike didn't tell them," wrote one person.
Still, there were others who wanted to remind her that the mother is grieving a deep loss right now and to consider the other perspective.
"To be fair, she's just lost her only child and is desperate for a connection to him," one commented, though agreeing "this isn't the way to go though and she's just going to confuse this child. She needs to be told to back off and compose herself and, if she can, then she can maybe have some sort of contact with the kid."
"As much of an ass his mother is grieving over the loss of his son, she sees him alive in your daughter," another person added. "As far as she is concerned, your daughter IS family. Legally, you're in the right, but this was an negative consequence of not choosing an anonymous donor, unintended as the situation is."
At least one person pointed out that "cutting her off" might not be the smartest decision in the long run.
"Totally alienating that side of the genetic equation could be a problem if the kid ever needs a blood, tissue, or organ transplant," the person noted.
But at least one person jumped in to support the poster's decision from the perspective of an adopted child, who had grown up on the other side of things.
"I am adopted and I call my adopted parents my real parents," she said. "My bio mother and bio father didn't earn the title. Don't feel like you aren't an important connection to your child. Blood doesn't make family, intention and action does."
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