In a bold opinion piece for The New York Times, Lara Bazelon shared her truth that left many readers with their mouths agape. Maybe you can wager a guess as to why by its title: "I've Picked My Job Over My Kids." As you might imagine, it didn't take long for the comments to start rolling in. But for those who read beyond the headline and have experienced the reality of being a working parent firsthand, their responses weren't so much a collective gasp but more of an understanding nod.
In it, Bazelon lists the many titles on her resume, which include a lawyer, law professor, writer, and divorced mom of two.
Needless to say, she's got a lot going on at any given moment, which is probably why she often finds herself on the receiving end of a question women are all too familiar with: How do you pull off the whole work-life balance thing?
"Every working mother gets this question, which presupposes that a 'work-life balance' is achievable," Bazelon writes. But she cuts right to the chase when she says point-blank: "It’s not. The term traps women in an endless cycle of shame and self-recrimination."
It's a vicious emotional cycle so many working mothers know all too well, no matter how hard they try to fight it.
"Like many women, I often prioritize my job," she explains. But the reason for that isn't because she's some cold, unfeeling mother who's just not that into her children. The reality is much more layered.
"I do this because, as the head of a single-parent household, I’m the sole breadwinner," she writes. "My ex-husband, who has joint custody, is an amazing father and my life would be impossible without him. Neither of us pays the other support."
But her work ethic is also tied to a deep inner passion; a drive to create change in the world in a way that feels meaningful to her and intrinsic to who she is.
"If I didn’t write and teach and litigate, a part of me would feel empty," she explains. And what kind of mother would she really be then?
There have been times, she admits, when she hasn't been fully present -- an inevitable side effect when you're a working trial lawyer.
There have been times that she's had to travel to different states for cases, and leave her young children in the care of her ex-husband. Times when her clients got more of her, because, as she puts it, they needed more of her at that time. (Bazelon often represents the wrongfully convicted.)
No one is more acutely aware than Bazelon is of the many things she's missed as a mother — things that have stuck with her through the years so strongly, she can mentally list them off one by one. They include, in her words: "My daughter’s seventh birthday, my son’s 10th birthday party, two family vacations, three Halloweens, [and] every school camping trip," she writes. "I have never chaperoned, coached or organized a school event."
These missed moments she'll never get back often tug at her in ways unseen.
"Sometimes my choices make me sad," Bazelon admits. "My daughter’s seventh birthday was the worst. She cried, and I did everything I could not to. I felt sick to my stomach. But I had a trial starting the next day, six hours away."
These are the things that often get swept under the rug when we talk about the work-life balance. There is no even split down the middle; we cannot be all things to all people. Someone will lose out, someone will get less of us, and that will have to be OK.
Across social media, plenty of comments rolled in both applauding and criticizing Bazelon.
"I am well educated and have had a successful professional life that I loved," one person tweeted. "My kids are grown now. I can promise you I never put my job before them. Ever. Is it worth it? 100%."
Another woman gave Bazelon a virtual pat on the back, suggesting the "kids first" mentality has a few holes to it.
"If I could do one thing over again it would be to abandon the 'I always put my kids first' method of parenting," she tweeted. "Their needs were not always more important than mine, and kids need to learn that being part of a family means everyone makes sacrifices, not just mom."
Others pointed out that previous generations of parents had moments of nonpresence, too — they just didn't feel so guilty about it.
"This generation feels too much guilt," tweeted one woman. "I’m 62. My parents worked full time throughout my childhood. We were constantly reminded they were doing it for us to live a better life than they were afforded including a great education. Their goal was accomplished. So thankful!"
Many were struck by one paragraph in particular from Bazelon's essay, where she shares a gentle reminder she tells herself when the guilt creeps in.
"Of course, I sometimes feel doubt, shame and fear," she writes. "I know I’m not a 'normal' mom, because my kids tell me so. I remind myself that this does not make me a 'bad mom.' I also remind myself that if I were a dad, I would be getting accolades for all the times I scheduled a doctor’s appointment or arranged a play date."
It's hard to ignore the truth in that last statement or to envision how differently we'd respond to this piece if it were written by a man. Would we think it as strange if a dad had to travel for an important trial and leave his kids alone with their mother for a few days? Would we consider it somehow neglectful if a busy working dad couldn't sign up to be Class Dad or chaperone the school trip?
No, we wouldn't. Because 2019 or not, we still don't expect dads to perfectly balance fatherhood and their career. We understand that seesawing between the two is a daily battle and that Dad won't always be there — and that it's fine.
"I keep hearing balance," tweeted one user. "Something will suffer. You can’t be super mom and super employee. It’s called a sacrifice. You make decisions that will affect one or the other side."
The truth is, not every mother will wear the same shoes as Bazelon, making difficult choices to sometimes put their work first.
But for those who do and feel buried by the weight of their decisions, her words offer a sense of solace and understanding.
"Thank you for this," wrote a fellow female law professor on Twitter. "Prof. Bazelon is a role model. It’s not easy, it’s not perfect, but we can do important work & have a family. Her kids have loving parents and a village."
It certainly sounds like they do.
