There is a lot of talk about love languages and playing to them in relationships. Some prefer touch, others prefer words, and some respond better to acts of service. Love languages can get complicated when two partners speak them differently, and it becomes even more complicated when kids are learning to speak them too.
One husband is struggling with that post Mother's Day after his young kids didn't give their mother a present, and he says the reason why is her fault.
"My wife is a great mother in many ways and I love her dearly, but she is [expletive] at getting gifts," he explains in a Reddit post.
"Back when we were dating, when I rang her doorbell with a dozen roses, she opened the door and immediately said 'you can't afford that!' This, I'm afraid, is fairly typical of her response when given anything. Not even strained politeness but usually a directly negative response. It's hard for me (my family are big gift-givers) but I'm an adult and Iove her enough to find other ways to show it. So on birthdays I buy her the exact thing she requests and other times I just restrain myself entirely."
However, his 5-year-old son and 2-year-old daughter don't quite understand their mommy's hesitancy with gifts.
"They do what kids do: 'look mommy I found this stick in the yard for you,'" he explained, but her reactions are never ones of excitement. "They find her response to this as demoralizing as I do."
So this Mother's Day, while her husband was working an overnight shift, the mom asked the kids to make her a card for the holiday. They got really excited but wanted to make a card for their grandmother (her mother-in-law).
This caused an extreme blowup.
"The longstanding tension between wife and mother is largely outside the scope of this post, but it is sadly quite severe," he explained.
"She thinks the fact that the kids 'prefer' their grandma is my fault,'" he wrote. "I didn't point it out in the moment for obvious reasons, and I ultimately pestered the kids into making her 'cards' (kid scribbles that I helped them sign their names to)."
But the dad really wants to take the opportunity to explain that her attitude toward gifts is exactly why they don't want to give her any.
"To explain that the reason nobody wants to give her nice things is because she habitually [expletive] all over any she gets that she didn't pick out herself in advance? And that my mom always shows enthusiasm and delight in every bunch of dandelions or lump of dirt she gets, so the kids naturally think of her when they think of giving nice things to people?"
A lot of people sided with the dad: After all, what did she expect?
"This needs pointed out to her, not necessarily for her sake, but for the sake of your children who don’t need to be treated this way by their mother when they’re trying to do something kind," wrote one commenter.
Others noted that the kids really can't be at fault for not knowing the mom simply doesn't like gifts.
"I also don't think it should solely be the responsibility of OP [Original Poster] or the kids to adapt to her love languages," added another user. "If gifts aren't her thing, sure, avoid gifts and do other things. But if giving gifts is how OP shows love (and especially the kids who probably don't really have the whole love language thing figured out yet) then she needs to learn how to be respectful when receiving them."
Others cautioned the dad to leave the comparison to the MIL completely out of it.
"I can understand why she would be hurt that the kids want to give gifts to grandma instead of her," empathized one reader. "But if she conditions them into thinking mommy doesn't like gifts, that's something she needs to work on. This isn't a grandma vs mom issue. It's 'your behavior makes them think you don't like any kind of gift' issue."
The person continued, "I would not frame it as 'it's because of you that the kids don't want to give you gifts.' I'd frame it more as 'sometimes your reactions to gifts can make people feel like you don't want the gift.' And try to make it more like this is a bigger problem that the kids are happening to point out. She really shouldn't be doing this to anybody, but the kids are certainly going to be less tactful about it."
In response to all of the advice, he did note that "I want to make it absolutely clear that she is an amazing and capable mother."
"If our kids (one of whom has serious chronic health issues) survive to adulthood, her meticulous, detail-oriented, and thorough approach to life and parenting will be a big reason why. We're looking at the flip side of that here, and most of us are in agreement it's a problem — but it's only a problem, not an indication that she's a horrible abusive wife and mother. She makes our children feel loved and safe and special every single day in a dozen different ways."
Here's to hoping they can all get past this small blunder unscathed.
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