TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about miscarriage, which may be triggering to some.
When someone loses someone they love, it can be a challenge to know what to say, how to act, and how to help. When someone has a miscarriage, there are even more questions and unknowns on the right way to show condolences and support. One woman took to Reddit to ask if her reaction to her friend's miscarriage was the wrong thing to do after her friend cut off all contact with her after receiving a miscarriage sympathy card.
The woman asked Reddit and got slammed there, too.
A Reddit user posted a question in the popular AITA channel looking for advice. She wrote, "So our longtime friends had been struggling with fertility for years, while we have two healthy children (though my pregnancies were rough and I almost lost my son, she knows that)."
She continued saying, "She finally confided in us that she was in the very early stages of pregnancy." She goes on to explain, "She told us she wanted us to know so we could support her 'either way.'"
Unfortunately, her friend had a miscarriage within the first month.
"Her husband called us and told us that they'd lost the baby," OP said. "We cried with him and told him to pass our sympathies on to his wife, since she wasn't ready to talk about it. She avoided everyone for 3-4 months after, so we'd just talk to the husband and continue to express sorry and support whenever they were ready for it."
It took a while, but the friends met up. OP said it was clear her friend was still heartbroken over the loss. So OP thought she would show their support. "Freshly heartbroken on her behalf, we mailed her a sympathy card and flowers the next week with a long personal note expressing our sorrow, sympathy, and support," the woman wrote in the Reddit channel.
Their miscarriage sympathy card arrived, and it was not received well.
"She apparently found it very offensive and blocked us on their phones and he told us never to talk to them again," OP shared. The woman wasn't exactly sure what happened and why her friend was so upset, but she narrowed it down to potentially being upset over a line that was in the card they sent.
"Now I'm not sure on this next part but I think the thing they found offensive was a line that said something along the lines of 'we sorrow along with you (in a smaller way) because we also wanted to meet your child and watch them grow up alongside ours,' since we were good friends and did everything together.
The Redditor explained, "The main message was of sympathy for them so we certainly didn't skip or diminish that, but we also were sad."
Both the friend and her husband shunned OP and her husband at every occasion after the card was sent.
"She blocked our phones, switched gyms and hangouts so she wouldn’t meet up with us, and her husband pretends he doesn’t know us when we go to the store that he works at (that we have to go to, as it’s the only one in our city)," she explained. "We tried asking him what exactly we did wrong and apologized if we misspoke but he refused to discuss it."
She then asked the Reddit community if she was wrong in sending the card, or if there's another perspective she missed. "So am I the AH for saying that? Does the fact that we have children mean that I can’t also feel sorrow for someone else's loss, especially when they would have grown up together and been part of our life?" the woman questioned. "Or am I just [callous] for imposing on her grief? "
The Reddit community came through and answered woman's question, most of them were not on her side.
Reading through the comments on the Reddit thread, it was clear people thought OP was in the wrong, and it was all related back to that line in the card.
"Gentle YTA," one person wrote back. "A friend sent me flowers and a nice card after my first miscarriage and it really meant a lot to me. I know your heart was in the right place. However, the line about being disappointed that you wouldn't get to see their child grow up alongside your kids was making their loss about you."
Another said: "YTA. It's their loss, their pain, and you made it about you." Explaining, "They were literally the only people in the world to whom you shouldn't have said you were also feeling sad for yourself."
"I don't think it's ok to express your own sadness in this case because… what effect can it possibly bring to the other person except adding up to their own pain?" another person questioned. "'I'm sad cause you're sad' is OK," they explain. Adding, "'I'm sad too, for my own reasons,' IMO, is not."
Another person commented saying OP probably didn't mean to hurt feelings, but she did.
The commenter wrote, "It doesn't have to be malicious for you to still be wrong. Your heart was in the right place." The person added, "You're not making it about you but I see how other users can see that. You're just giving her another reason to be upset. Surely she would have liked to see her kids grow up with yours too. There's also the whole card and flowers months after the fact. Just a causal reminder you're still not a mother and your kid died. It's hurtful."
One comment came through that seemed to understand where OP was coming from. They wrote, "I like that theory as well but I think you're misinterpreting it." The person continued, saying, "She wasn't asking her friend for comfort, just expressing that she also feels some level of sadness. That's very normal and OK."
It's hard to know the right thing to do when your friend is grieving, clearly this woman's attempt to offer support was a miss.
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