Despite it being 2020, we still seem to need to remind people: There's nothing wrong with breastfeeding, and moms shouldn't be shamed for how they decided to feed their babies. But perhaps I need to say it again after one woman wrote in to the Care and Feeding advice column to share that her man told her he didn't like her breastfeeding because it was "kills the intimacy." I guess there are two babies in the family, huh?
The first-time mom has been home on maternity leave with her 2-month-old.
That means breastfeeding, breastfeeding, breastfeeding, she explained in her letter.
She started pumping about a month ago so her husband can introduce the bottle to their baby.
All she wants is a little help feeding their baby — is that too much to ask?
"While I'm only pumping once a day to ensure there's a backup in the event I'm away from the baby, my husband has made it clear that he is uncomfortable with me pumping in his presence (and says it kills the intimacy), which has left me feeling upset and unsupported," she explained.
But is it realistic to NEVER let her husband see her pump?
Eventually, she's going to have to pump more frequently as their baby sleeps for longer stretches "and I'm nearing the end of my leave, so he's going to have to be around it," she explained.
"Do I just hide away and pump so he doesn't have to deal with it, or is there a way to help him get comfortable with this arrangement?" she asked.
Most commenters agreed -- her husband needs to get over it.
"LOL… intimacy. Pretty sure he's just looking for a nicer way to say 'boner,' and the answer is too f'ing bad… time to grow up Dad," one commenter wrote.
"Seriously, who needs the extra anxiety of pumping while hubby sits around fuming, voicing judgment and discomfort?" someone else chimed in.
"He should either keep his trap shut or leave the room himself," a third commenter added. "If he can't do that, he's not a very loving or supportive partner and the LW has bigger problems than pumping."
But a few people pointed out that her husband was just being honest about his feelings.
"It is not a moral failing on the part of the breast pumper's husband not to want to watch the procedure," one person commented. "This is an instance where honesty is overrated, he should have just smiled and left the room. I don't like watching my husband engage in certain bodily functions."
"Husbands has feelings like you do," someone else commented. "Tell him to get out of the room while you pump. But, be sympathetic, and appreciate his honesty."
A third person put it this way: "Give me a break. Why would you want to pump around him? Honestly, it was WAY easier and more comfortable for me to pump when I was in a quiet, private place. I would sit in a rocking chair, hook up, and read baby magazines. The milk came easier, so it was quicker. No more anxiety; no more physical discomfort. I felt relaxed and accomplished. Simple solution: tell him 'I'm going to go pump now. You're on baby duty.'"
In the end, columnist Rumaan Alam really did think this was her husband's issue.
The LW's husband "needs to just get over it," according to Alam.
Sure, it can be "complex to see your partner's body given over to maternity," he added. But that's all a part of being human!
"Your husband's failure to understand that you now physically (for a while anyway!) embody the role of both his partner and your child's parent is his failure, not yours," he wrote.
Alam told the mom that she needs to tell her husband he's being hurtful.
"Tell him that you feel upset and unsupported, and point out that you shouldn't have to hide inside your own home in order to pump," he continued.
"I'm not sure what else I can say here; you deserve better, and I hope that if you're honest your husband will realize that he's in the wrong and work to right things," he wrote.
