Parenting

Child Psychologist Shares the Best Way To Raise Happy Kids & It's Not What You'd Expect

ParentingPublished May 26, 2023
By Colleen Dilthey Thomas
UnhappySolStock/iStock, triocean/iStock

We all want happy, well-adjusted children, don't we? We can scour the Internet, read every parenting book out there, and follow the social media influencers who seem to have it all together, but is there a secret to doing it all right? One child psychologist says she can help us have a happy child, but we may not love her methods.

Dr. Tovah Klein, a child psychologist and author of How Toddlers Thrive, tells parents that if they want a happy kid, they must let them be unhappy. It may seem counterintuitive, but Klein, director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development, told CNBC Make It via Today that allowing kids to know the feelings of happiness and unhappiness can teach them to choose a happier path. It's something to think about.

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Kids have all kinds of emotions, and Klein says parents need to let them have those feelings.

Sure, it's much easier to have a kid who only has good days, is super agreeable, and never cries or screams. If we are being honest, as adults we don't have that kind of disposition, so why should we expect our kids to? As Klein told CNBC Make It, we shouldn't.

"We all think the way to raise our children to be happy is to make them happy. But in truth, children know how to be happy, to find joy," she said. "It is not an all-the-time feeling. ... children are allowed to be angry, sad, unhappy in some way."

Parents shouldn't always try to make their kids feel better.

Sure, it is natural for us to want to soothe our children if they are upset; no one likes to see their child hurt. Klein, however, wants parents to understand that if we rush to make it all better all the time, our kids may not be getting to the root of what is upsetting them.

That can be a whole host of different things, from giving them the wrong color socks or making them go to bed on time. Klein said that if we try to make our kids happy in those situations, they will think the negative behavior is acceptable.

The psychologist might actually be onto something.

We're parents and have totally given in to our kids when they misbehave. Babies cry when hungry or tired or they need their diapers changed because they don't know how else to communicate those feelings. But they can tell us what they need as they age and their communication skills improve.

Klein suggests we ask an upset child what they are upset about. She told CNBC Make It that parents should acknowledge the frustration but stay firm.

"Strength comes from being able to have these pretty intense emotions, like anger, [then] handling it and knowing that' Mommy or Daddy is still there for me, they're not upset with me, they're not going to cast me aside," Klein told the news outlet via Today.

In the end, children probably will be happy anyway.

Klein said if a child's life is OK, that person will grow up happy. CNBC Make it reported that a kid who can manage emotions young and shows resilience will grow up to be a successful adult.

But if kids are afraid to express negative feelings and bottle them up, they may begin to feel shame about feeling upset. Klein explained a child might think things like, "I'm angry; I must be bad. There must be something wrong with me."

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It is OK to be upset.

That goes for all of us — kids and adults alike. It is fine for everyone to feel happy, sad, disappointed, and other emotions. It makes us human and normal.

Many of us have taught our kids to take a breath when angry or to walk away before they say something unkind. It may be a good idea to take our own advice occasionally. Then we could all be a bit happier.

TrendingTova KleinToddlersHappy KidsParentingChild Psychologistraising kidsparentingparenting adviceparenting tipsemotions
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