Parents often try to give their kids what they didnât have or even go far above and beyond what they themselves had regularly. From meeting basic needs to nerfing activities to build confidence, how do you know when itâs time to tap the brakes and set boundaries? Educational psychologist Michele Borba, EdD, says that while we hate seeing our kids unhappy and itâs easier to give in, constant coddling and pampering can be harmful in the long run.
Shielding kids from challenges reduces their chances to build resilience theyâll need later. âIâve seen spoiled kids grow up to be overindulged, selfish, unhappy, and constantly dissatisfied adults,â the parenting expert says according to CNBC. Here are the signs she says we should look out for indicating our kids are "highly spoiled," and what we can do about it to get them back on track.
There are some common red flags.
Never takes a first offer (of No): They expect to get their way, and usually do. They like to be the ones making the conditions and telling the parent no.
'Gimme More:' They may not be named "Britney," but mom, keep in mind that spoiled kids are desensitized to the effort, expense, and time you put into what you do for them. Because itâs constant. Your children asking âpleaseâ and responding âthank youâ has been replaced with demands âgive meâ and âI want.â
I want the world and I want it now!: Since their own needs and desires are their biggest concern, inconveniencing others isnât on their radar. Parents and caregivers are expected to set priorities aside and start catering to their needs and wants.
Me, myself, and I: They feel entitled and expect special favors. If another kid in class gets an MVP sticker, they get upset and say: âI deserve it more!â
Just canât get enough: No matter how much they acquire, it only drives them to want more.
The road to unspoiling may be a rocky one.
The good news is all of these behaviors are learned, so they can be unlearned. Progress will be slow and most likely met with resistance, but be consistent, and it's definitely possible to undo the damage.
Say 'no' with a reason.
âWhen you say 'no,' give a short reason to help the child understand why," suggests Borba. For example say, "Homework comes before playtime. This way, you can have fun without worry.â
Research shows that kids who are raised with structure and less-permissive parenting have higher self-worth and feel more empathy toward others.
Praise the right things.
Borba suggests praising your kids when they do something for â or with â another person.
For example: âYou and your classmate did such a great job on that science fair project,â or, âGiving your old Lego set to the toy drive was very thoughtful. I love your kind heart.â
Instead of: âWhat did you get on the spelling test?â ask, "Tell me about one nice thing you did for someone today." This reinforces the importance of caring.
Get thankful.
âPracticing gratitude helps children feel happier, cope better with adversity, and increases their life satisfaction,â Borba says, encouraging age-based activities ranging from drawing what theyâre thankful for to keeping a daily gratitude journal.
The waiting game.
Kids able to wait longer in preschool, grew into teens whose parent rated them as "more academically and socially competent, verbally fluent, rational, attentive, planful, and able to deal well with frustration and stress."
Whether they classically want your attention when youâre on a call or in a meeting it's OK, even good for them, to wait, as long as everyone is safe.
Empower with empathy.
The therapist encourages parents to help their kids consider another childâs feelings, especially following inconsiderate interactions. The doctor suggests asking kids how their actions made the other kids feel and what could have been done to avoid the hurt feelings in order to build empathy.
Magnify giving back and limit receiving.
Find age-appropriate opportunities for kids to give back to their communities, suggests Borba. From baking brownies for a buddy to raising funds for a pet rescue. Volunteering to help someone, takes the focus off of themselves.
set limits on the value of gifts your kids can receive, as well as how many and how often they can receive gifts. Borba encourages parents to rehearse a gift-receiving script with their kids. âTeach your child how to accept gifts by rehearsing polite responses prior to the event: 'Thank you. I really appreciate it,'â she says.
