While every stage of parenting brings new challenges, for some of us, the older they get, the more complicated our relationship with our kids becomes. Though some parents struggle through the newborn stage, for many moms, it doesn't hit the fan until our kids turn 11 or 12 and officially enter the preteen years. And for those who haven't made it to that milestone, just know that being the mom of a preteen is hard!
As we can remember from our own 'tween days, those years are filled with so many ups and downs. Your body is changing, your hormones are going wild, and one day, your friends are your friends and the next day they're not. For kids who are still learning how to manage their own emotions (and whose brains aren't done developing yet), it can be hard to handle it all — and then, they end up taking it out on their moms — us, the people who love them the most in the world.
But before getting too upset, there are two things you need to remember: This stage, too, will pass, just like the newborn stage did, and there are productive ways to support your preteen through this that will make your relationship stronger in the end.
Don't Take It Personally
When things are getting intense, remember: What's going on is almost never about you. Like we mentioned, those hormones are running wild, emotions are high, and how your preteen is acting is likely a reflection of all those feelings, and not who you are as a mother.
Give Them Privacy
This is around the time you might notice that your kid isn't telling you everything anymore. Kids start to keep secrets from you, and that alone can be heartbreaking — and a bit concerning. What kids really want right now is privacy, though (within reason), and it's a good idea to let them have it. Respect them when they close their bedroom door and knock first!
Spend One-on-One Time
Even though your tween might be the last person you want to spend time with on some days, this is actually when kids need you the most. Make sure you're hanging out with him one-on-one, giving him the opportunity to bond with you and open to you with no pressure. Maybe a movie? Maybe a meal at a favorite restaurant? It could even be as simple as a drive to Starbucks and back.
Don't Be Judgmental
Regardless of how judgmental you have or haven't been in the past, your kid is expecting you to respond to her like that now — and if you don't, you'll show her that she can trust you with her feelings.
“They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble — how that girl dresses, or that boy has good manners or bad manners. And they are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental," psychologist Dr. Catherine Steiner-Adair told the Child Mind Institute.
Don't Ask Too Many Questions
Preteens can see what they deem too many questions invasive at a time when they're just discovering their independence and wanting to become their own people, according to Dr. Steiner-Adair.
"Parents who have a low tolerance for that transition — they want to know everything — can alienate their children by being too inquisitive," she said.
Stay Connected to Adults They Trust
And by staying connected, we mean your kid and you. Whether that's an aunt or uncle, a family friend, or a beloved teacher, it's good for a kid to have contact with an adult who isn't Mom or Dad sometimes. And make sure everyone involved (your preteen included) knows that they can confide in that person, unless your child shares something that could be harmful to themselves or others.
Be a Safe Place for Them To Land
This definitely goes hand-in-hand with being nonjudgmental and not asking too many questions, but it's important that your child knows that you (and his home) are his safe space. When he is dealing with emotions that are too big for him to handle alone, you want him to know he can come to you for help, advice, or even just a hug, no questions asked.
Don't Let Anger Win
As moms, we're also humans — and that means that we also lose control of our emotions. But it's most productive to try to keep that anger in check, because it's only going to escalate the situation further, and in that situation, there's no way anyone can win.
Lower That Voice
We just said that showing anger to our preteens shows that we're losing control of our emotions and escalates the situation, but doing the opposite of yelling, even when we really want to, can cause the opposite effect. According to what Dr. Bernard Golden told Good Housekeeping, lowering your voice can actually help bring things back to a calmer tone, and your preteen will follow suit.
Don't Treat Them Like Babies
"Speak to your teen almost as you would to a coworker or other adult," Dr. Mitch Ablett told the magazine. "You’re saying to your teen, 'I'm going to talk to you like a human being who has a degree of judgment and maturity because you do.'"
That also means giving them space to make their own choices, even if those choices are staying up late on nights they have school the next morning. Kids learn after a few ridiculously tough mornings!
Be a Good Role Model
Even if you feel like you're being ignored, your tween is watching, so make sure you're being a good model of the behavior you'd like your child to display.
“As a parent, you can tell your teen how you think they should behave and give them all kinds of strategies, but if you’re mishandling your own anger — yelling, screaming or doing something else that’s not constructive — your behavior is going to override whatever you’re telling your teen to do,” said Dr. Golden.
Limit Their Technology
Of course, allow your kids the screen time on their phones and computers that you feel comfortable with, but it's not a bad idea to not let them run free with it, 24/7. Though everyone knows about the dangers of unsupervised internet use, it's also true that social media and text messages bring the drama of the school day home with the kid, which can lead her to feel like she has no escape. Taking a break is healthy!
Spend Time With Them Doing the Things They Love
That can be as simple as making it a point to watch his favorite show with him, or taking him to a sporting event he's really looking forward to — or even learning how to play a game like Dungeons and Dragons. Having something in common like that (even if it's not really your thing) can go along way in strengthening and improving your relationship.
Watch for Signs of Depression
Sometimes, your tween's angst is more than just angst. Keep a lookout for signs that it might be time to make an appointment with a doctor or a therapist. Signs of depression in tweens include loss of interest in things he once enjoyed, withdrawing from friends, and talking about death or dying, among others.
Show Unconditional Love
What your preteen needs most right now is that, even at her worst, you love her no matter what. The days where she resists that love are probably the days when she needs it the most, and as moms, we're there to hug our kid when the mood swing has passed. That's what a child will take away from this time in life the most.
