TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains information about stillbirth and infant loss, which may be triggering to some.
When someone is navigating a traumatic loss, a lot of people struggle with what to say to them. Grief is personal and looks different for everyone, so even someone who appears to be doing well given the circumstances might be struggling more than it seems. One grieving mom who delivered a stillborn baby has had people tell her that she’s “so strong” and “handling it so well.”
Although those who say things like this probably have good intentions and don’t mean any harm, she finds the comments pretty invalidating after experiencing a stillbirth.
One comment in particular has really been bothering the grieving mom.
In a video shared on TikTok, Cheyenne (@cheysoflyy) explained that one comment has “really been grinding my gears as of late.” At the time the video was posted, Cheyenne had lost her baby over eight weeks prior. To her, the comment makes it clear that a lot of people don’t know what to say to people after a stillbirth.
“It’s, ‘Oh, you’re doing so much better than I would be. I know if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to leave the house. I know if it were me, I’d be a puddle on the floor. I can’t believe you’re out,'” Cheyenne revealed.
It doesn’t come across as a compliment.
@cheysoflyy Anyone else bothered by this comment? #grief #griefandloss #stillbornawarness #stillbornstillloved #bereavedmother #childloss #lossmom #pregnancylossawareness #pregnancyloss #griefjourney ♬ original sound – Cheyenne | Salma’s Mom 🪽
Cheyenne explained that “saying that you’d be worse off in a situation that you have not experienced is so invalidating to the person who’s actually going through it.”
Regardless of what people mean when they make comments like this, Cheyenne does not see it as a compliment and doesn’t find it comforting.
“I’m the one who literally had to give birth to my dead daughter,” Cheyenne continued. “And you saying that you’d be worse off than me only invalidates … the pain that I actually am going through.”
Grief is hard, even if people look like they’re doing relatively well.
In another video, Cheyenne emphasized that those who have not experienced a stillbirth or other traumatic loss might not understand exactly what the grief that follows can feel and look like. She shared several other well-intentioned comments that don’t actually land well or bring comfort to those who are grieving: “You’re so strong,” “I hope you’re feeling better,” or “I can’t imagine.”
In the caption, she opened up about how she’s really feeling – even though some people seem to think that she’s doing well. “I have never felt weaker,” she wrote. “There is no handling it well. Telling someone that you would be worse in a situation that you haven’t gone through only invalidates the hurt that person IS going through AND experiencing.”
Part of the problem is that grief makes people pretty uncomfortable.
During an interview with Newsweek, Cheyenne reiterated that well-intentioned comments about “handling it well” actually come across as “dismissive.” To her, the comments are indicative of our society’s general discomfort when it comes to grief. The discomfort runs so deep that many people try to offer optimistic “nuggets of inspiration” instead of validating people’s feelings.
“Our society is so uncomfortable with grief and are quick to want to give nuggets of inspiration, hope or even try to relate or compare in the best way they can,” Cheyenne explained to Newsweek.
So what should you say?
Of course, everyone is different. In Cheyenne’s case, however, she has found that “showing up for someone in grief doesn’t take a lot of words.” Instead, those who are grieving sometimes just need someone to “sit with them and remind them they are not alone in their grief,” she told Newsweek.
For those who are looking for the right thing to say to someone who is dealing with the loss of a baby, Cheyenne thinks a few simple phrases are a lot more validating than “You’re so strong” or “You’re doing so well.”
“I have found in my own grief journey less is more,” she told Newsweek. “Saying simple phrases [such] as, ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, ‘I’m thinking of you’, ‘This isn’t fair’ [or] ‘I love you’.”
