One of the best things about social media is that it can give us a chance to connect with other moms who are trying to figure out the same parenting issues as we are. When we have infants, we turned to other moms online for help with everything from curing bleeding nipples to surviving those dreaded sleep regressions. For those of us who have older kids, connecting with other moms to find out how they are approaching dealing with complicated issues like porn and sexting can be so helpful.
It is worth noting that, even though it can feel overwhelming or awkward to talk to kids about porn, there is no doubt that this is a conversation all parents need to have. According to a recent report from Common Sense Media, 73% of teens between 13 and 17 have watched porn online. Even more concerning, more than half of kids (54%) saw porn for the first time before they were 13 and 45% felt like porn is a helpful source of information about sexuality. Yikes!
While adults may have varying attitudes about porn, we think we're safe to assume that most parents would rather not have their kids turning to porn for lessons about healthy sexuality. We talked to 15 moms (whose names we'll keep anonymous for this one, by their request) who got candid about how they approached this topic with their kids and teens and there are some really smart ideas here.
Talk About Consent
"We've talked a lot about the importance of enthusiastic consent in terms of the sex stuff generally, so my kids get that concept. One of the things I told them about porn is that online porn can take away their ability to consent. Like, for example, they may want to see one particular sex act but once a porn site is open, they can't control what content they'll be shown and they could end up seeing stuff they really don't want to see. I told them that porn sites don't care who is looking or what stuff they show them and I want them to wait on looking at that stuff until they are older and can make better sense of what they might see."
Give Them Resources
"I saw some racy searches in my history after my 10-year-old daughter used my laptop, so we had to have the talk about that. It turns out that she didn't really want to see porn but she just had some questions about the logistics of how sex actually happens. I think she couldn't picture how the bodies fit together? I told her that it was totally normal to have those questions but that looking online wasn't the best place to get those questions answered. So I got her a book that has some line drawings of couples having sex and told her she can look at it when she has questions."
Boundaries
"My sons are 19, 16, 14, and 11. I'm pretty realistic about the fact that they will probably all watch porn at some point while living at home. After my oldest son got in trouble in middle school for using his school iPad to look up 'boobs' and 'big butt,' one of the conversations we have is about boundaries for stuff like porn and wanking off. I'm explicit: you don't look up porn on devices that belong to other people. You don't look up porn at school. You don't get off somewhere that other people could see you, hear you, or have to clean up after you. I don't want to shame them but I do want them to develop a sense of privacy and an understanding that there are boundaries to sexual expression."
Porn & Sexting
"I caught my daughter taking a picture in only her bra, which she admitted she was planning to send to her boyfriend. They are only 15, so we had a loooooong talk about how sexts and pictures are forever and that she can't know if her pictures will end up being shared with other people or even end up on a porn site. I also reminded her that if she sent naked pictures to her boyfriend, he could get in trouble for child porn."
Porn Is Racist
"Let me bring in a Black mom perspective. One of the things I feel like I talk to my Black sons about is the fact that porn can be really racist. Especially about Black men. All the big penis stuff and stuff about white women getting screwed by 'bbc'. I don't want that mess playing with their sense of their worth. But here is what I want to say: white moms, are you talking to your kids about racism in porn? Because it's there."
Pleasure First
"My whole approach with talking about sex with my kids is to start with the idea that sex is about pleasure. It should feel good, physically and emotionally. With porn, one of the things I talk about is that the way sex is shown wouldn't actually be stuff that feels good for women. I told both my son and daughter that both people should be experiencing pleasure and that porn is all too often centered on only what feels good for me. I just don't want them to watch it and think that's how sex should look and then be disappointed when it doesn't feel good."
A Hard No
"In my house, porn is not OK. Not for the adults, surely not for the children. We are Christians and sex belongs in marriage, between two adults. Looking at porn is a sin and I'm not afraid to tell my sons that. I'm not naive. I know they might slip up and look at it. But saying it is OK in any way is a hard no in this house."
Denial
"My oldest is starting middle school next year and I am in deep denial that we need to worry about porn. My mom had it so much easier. She just told me not to get pregnant in high school and called it a day. We have so much more stuff we have to cover now and I don't wanna. I just don't want to. Is that an option?"
The Dark Side
"I know there are some people who do sex work and porn because they want to. I think there are also plenty of people who are doing porn because they've experienced trauma or on drugs or are trafficked into it. I told my son that the danger with porn is that the viewer doesn't always know if the people they are watching are victims or are doing it happily. I think it is bad for people's souls and karmic energy to watch people be victimized, so we talked about that as a reason not to watch."
Mixed Feelings
"I have mixed feelings. Keeping it real: I watched a lot of porn when I was a teen. Living in a rural area, I didn't know anyone who was gay. Watching porn was part of how I figured out that I was a lesbian. So that was good. I also saw some pretty horrifying stuff, so that was not good. I just don't know how kids navigate not seeing the really gross stuff but still indulge their super normal curiosity."
Sex Work Is Work
"There was a big thing last year when a local teacher got fired for having an OnlyFans page. We had a lot of talks about if it was fair that she got fired and about why sex work is stigmatized. We have to remember, these kids are growing up in a world of thirst traps, OnlyFans, people thinking they can get rich selling feet pics! We have to talk to them not only about watching porn but about making it, too. I told my kids that I just want them to have options and that doing sex work can limit those options. Also, very few people are actually getting rich from feet pics."
The Downside of Too Much Porn
"I'm a doctor at a college health clinic. I've been doing this work for over 20 years but in the last few years I've had more male students coming in for help with erectile dysfunction. At 20 years old! For some of them, I really think the root cause is too much porn exposure, too young. They are so saturated that they can't get turned on by regular sex with regular girls. It's really sad, actually. But it's also something that I talk to my sons about. Porn exposure can change people's sexual tastes and what excites them, so if they don't want to become desensitized, they need to be mindful of how much they watch and what kinds."
No Shaming
"I don't want my daughters watching porn for all the reasons we don't want our kids watching porn. I won't shame them if I do find that they've done it though, because the curiosity is so normal. I've told them why I don't think porn is healthy for kids, I've supplied alternatives (romance novels, watching Bridgerton), and I've told them they are normal for being curious."
Prepare for Unplanned Porn
"I'm a middle school teacher and I can tell you this: there is a really good chance your kid will be exposed to porn at school. Every single quarter we bust at least a handful of kids for showing porn on their phone in the hallways or bathrooms. I've talked to my kids about how to navigate it if someone shows them porn or they hear it in the hallways. I'm less worried about them looking for porn as them getting unplanned porn exposure. Other parents should also talk to kids about what they think their kids should do if they see other kids with porn at school. It is happening."
Common Sense Measures
"In addition to talking to the kids about why I don't think kids and teens should look at porn, I'm also doing some common sense things to try to limit their access. No phones in their rooms over night. We have a shared family laptop that the kids can use in the common areas. I blocked a ton of websites on all the devices and have the parental controls set pretty tight. They might find ways around it but at least they are less likely to accidentally see it."
