While a child's birthday party is fun, it can also be stressful. Parents do their best to make sure everyone has a good time while also paying special attention to the birthday kid. Choosing who to invite or not invite can add to the pressure of planning a perfect event. Sometimes, keeping things more intimate is easier, even if that means feelings get hurt.
Sure, you can pare down a guest list, but who absolutely has to make the cut? Do you include siblings, cousins, and best friends? What about stepsiblings? A mom is facing a dilemma with her daughter's upcoming birthday and has decided her autistic stepdaughter isn't invited. Now, her husband is upset, but she thinks her reasoning is justified.
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The girls are close in age.
The mom posted in Reddit's AITA forum explaining that her daughter will be turning 8 and her stepdaughter is 7. The pair get along, but the stepdaughter has some behavioral issues that are a bit of a problem for OP. She wants to come to the party, but her past behavior concerns OP.
"She acts younger than her age and doesn't understand social cues. She's been invited to three of her classmates birthday parties in the past. At one of those parties, she blew out the candles, and at the other two parties, she started crying when she wasn't able to blow out the candles," she wrote.
OP decided she wouldn't invite the girl to the party.
Her husband is upset and thinks she is excluding her simply because she is autistic. OP says that's not the case at all. She wants her daughter to enjoy her day and not have it ruined by another child. Now they're fighting, and she thinks he's out of line.
"He says she already feels excluded from her classmates parties, but excluding her from her own stepsister's party would be even more cruel. I told him it was my daughter's special day, and I had to prioritise her feelings first," she wrote.
Who's in the wrong?
Plenty of people thought OP was being unkind.
Some felt that OP is a parent first and needs to treat her stepdaughter that way.
One person commented: "YTA. She doesn't 'claim' that it makes her feel left out. She's directly telling you that it makes her feel left out. Her feelings about that are real and valid. She is being left out. She is lacking social skills and needs help learning them. I get wanting to protect your daughter's peace, but there are ways to do that without excluding your stepdaughter, publically affirming the rest of your circle's exclusion of her."
"Whilst I absolutely sympathize, I'll begrudgingly say that YTA," another commenter wrote. "She is your husband's daughter, and she is 7. That makes her YOUR daughter too and the word 'stepdaughter' is just semantics at this point. You are a FAMILY."
Others felt OP was justified in being upset.
Some thought OP should prioritize her child and her feelings.
"NTA…how is your husband dealing with her behaviour?" someone wondered. "Is he educating her? Is he prepared to stand by her and remove her if she acts out? Because if not, it's just going to ruin your daughter's birthday."
Another comment reads: "NTA. Your daughter deserves to have a good birthday party. No child should have to share a birthday party with another child who has not been taught her place. Being autistic is not an excuse for bad behavior. Im sure your daughter has to endure tantrums every other day of the year due to her step sisters behavioral issues so having one day that is her own is definitely something you should fight for."
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This is not a great situation for anyone.
There were Redditors on both sides of the fence who felt passionately for OP and her stepdaughter. One person felt that the whole group needs to reevaluate their behavior.
The person had some advice: "ESH. None of you seem to be doing anything to help stepdaughter understand why her behavior is unacceptable (or that it IS unacceptable), to redirect her, or to prevent her from being disruptive enough that she stops getting invited to parties. She doesn't understand social cues because she's autistic, so you guys need to explain them to her."
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