Having a difficult birthing experience is a traumatic experience for the entire family. It's a time of uncertainty for everyone involved, and that can definitely put a strain on relationships. For some couples, that time brings them together when they have to put up a united front to help the best interests of their children. But sometimes, the strain of having a sick child is too much for a couple, which can lead to cracks in the relationship.
One mom on social media opened up about the strain her son's birth and subsequent NICU stay put on her marriage. Ultimately, the couple decided to stay together, but it wasn't without a serious examination of their relationship and goals.
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The couple had a whirlwind romance and pregnancy.
Rachel Hughes, a mom who goes by the handle @HouseofHughes on TikTok, has opened up about her marriage and how her son's traumatic birth impacted their early relationship.
Rachel and her husband Hunter met when they were 19, and they were engaged within seven weeks of their first date. Shortly after they got married, they found out that Rachel was pregnant with their first child. The pregnancy wasn't planned, but Hughes told People that they were "really excited" about the pregnancy. Then halfway through her pregnancy, things took a turn that neither Hughes or her husband could have anticipated. And that changed their relationship forever.
"On a completely normal day when I was 27 weeks pregnant, I left for work and forgot my laptop at home. I turned around and I was in an intersection, waiting for a break in oncoming traffic to turn left. As soon as I turned left, immediately my vision went out," she explained.
Later, she learned that she had passed out immediately after making the turn. Her body slumped forward, which caused her foot to press down on the gas pedal, and her car ended crashing into a retaining wall in her neighborhood, which was caught on a neighbor's camera. The neighbor then called 911.
After the crash, Rachel was airlifted to a hospital with a high-level intensive care unit.
First responders were unable to find the baby's heartbeat, and it was clear to everyone involved that Rachel was going to give birth that day. Rachel explained that they took her to a hospital with a level four neonatal intensive care unit. She said that the hospital had "a little window in their operating room where you literally pass the baby through to the NICU in an instant."
At the hospital, they discovered that Rachel's placenta had abrupted. She was quickly rushed to the operating room, where her son was delivered. He was rushed to the NICU, where her husband got to meet him first. Rachel had to have more surgeries to address her injuries, but the reason why her placenta abrupted remains "one big mystery."
It was then the couple found out that Beckham would be spending a long time in the NICU, and it left them feeling adrift.
"We were grieving, in part, because for the first half of the NICU stay, we didn't know if he was going to make it. For the first seven days, they were almost certain he was going to die. Those were the hardest days I've ever experienced in my life," Rachel shared.
The NICU stay is what led to the breakdown of Rachel and Hunter's relationship.
Having a child in the NICU and no idea what would happen next began to take a toll on Rachel and Hunter's new marriage. They both dealt with the grief differently, unable to understand where each other was coming from.
"My husband felt a severe lack of control as a Southern man, husband, and provider. He wanted to fix everything, to gain control of the situation — and in that moment, he was completely powerless. He couldn't do anything for our baby or for me. I had nothing to give him, and he had nothing to give me. We gave everything we could to our baby," Rachel explained.
Rachel wanted to spend all of her time with her son at the NICU, but Hunter chose to keep his distance, even when he wasn't working to support the family.
"We knew our marriage was suffering greatly. We were spending very little time together. Any conversations we did have, we were heavily disagreeing. We were both extremely sad," she said. "Once my son was born, maybe a month or so into the NICU, we were feeling extreme resentment towards each other."
Things "came to a head" when Beckham came home from the NICU at 5 months old. "My husband came to me and said, 'I love you, and I love Beckham so much, but I cannot have another child. I want to be honest with you and not blindside you about that when the time comes because I know that right now, and I want to be honest about it,'" she shared.
Hunter was concerned that she would have another child prematurely and feared they never would find out why she had passed out.
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Rachel knew that she wanted more children, and this forced the couple to make some hard decisions.
Rachel called Hunter's feelings "beyond valid" and "quite wise for him to recognize."
"Although I understood his point of view, I had a deep desire from a young age to be a mom of multiple kids. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding my son, I knew I wanted more children. I think it was easier for me to say, 'If you can't give me that, then I will have to move forward in a different direction.' Our futures looked completely different and we'd already been struggling so much," she explained.
In November 2019, the couple decided to separate, but they agreed to continue to co-parent Beckham. Rachel called it a "sad conclusion," but "there didn't seem to be a way around it." But she shared that during their separation they were in constant contact with each other. "There was still a lot of love between us." In late December, she announced that she was ready to file divorce paperwork, but it seemed that Hunter had a change of heart.
"He said, 'I've realized that you're gonna move forward with having another baby no matter what, whether it's me who gives you that child or somebody else, If you move forward with someone else and have a baby and that baby is healthy and you live through that pregnancy, then I'll never forgive myself for losing you over something that didn't happen,'" she shared, calling it a "beautiful change in perspective."
A month later, Rachel got pregnant with the couple's daughter. "I would never give my husband up for anything ever," she said, reflecting on the things she would do differently next time.
The commitment to their marriage was tested when they received shocking news about Beckham's health.
In January 2020, the couple's world was rocked when Beckham was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. "It was one of the hardest days I've ever experienced in my life, just a lot of grief, a lot of sadness, mourning the life I wanted my son to have," she admitted.
The couple decided to keep Beckham's diagnosis to themselves for two years. After getting acclimated to his condition, she chose to become an advocate to "raise awareness" about cerebral palsy. "I realized that cerebral palsy was nothing as I envisioned; it was nothing that I thought it was. I learned so much watching my son in his first two years," she shared.
Now that time has passed, Rachel has been able to reflect on the struggles that she and Hunter went through when Beckham was born and look at it with fresh eyes.
"Looking back now, both of us understand why each of us processed the trauma the way that we did. Both of us love our son equally. I know that now, but people can judge, and I definitely did judge how my husband processed that. And my husband judged the way that I processed it," she admitted.
"We didn't understand each other, and I've talked to so many people who have gone through anything traumatic, especially when it comes to children, and men and women always seem to process it differently. I'm really so grateful that my husband and I never made a permanent decision about our marriage when our son was in the NICU."
