Some of us are messy. Some of us need to be more organized. And yes, some of us are forgetful. We may think it's part of our charm, but these traits can drive other people completely bonkers. It can become particularly sticky in a marriage when kids are involved.
If your partner isn't dependable and you end up having to be the one in charge of all of the things all of the time, it can be exhausting. Do you have the right to be frustrated?
A wife and mom visited Reddit's AITA forum to talk about a situation with her husband that's driving her nuts. She's at her wit's end having to be the one who remembers to do everything for their son. She feels like her husband is an adult and equal partner and needs to stop relying on her so much. He recently forgot to bring some crucial things to day care drop-off, and she finally lost her mind and went off on him. Is she in the wrong for wanting her husband to do a little actual adulting?
Her husband is a naturally forgetful person.
The original poster's husband appears to be the kind of guy who would lose his head if it wasn't attached to his body. He is constantly forgetting or leaving things behind, which is a source of ire for OP.
"My husband can't seem to remember anything. He is often late for work because he forgets his wallet at home and has to come back to get it since he needs an ID to get in," OP explained. "I tried to help him out by getting a little bowl to put on the counter for him to just drop his keys and wallet in when he gets home to try to prevent him forgetting/misplacing, didn't help.
"He was also backed up on bills he pays that don't have automatic payments because he doesn't check his email for the invoices. These are two basic examples but stuff like this happens all the time," she added.
She has asked him to seek some professional help, but he didn't take that well at all.
OP let it go until it came to their son.
Sure, if a grown adult is going to leave things behind, that is on them, but when it comes to a child, you have to be more responsible. A baby can't pack a lunch and diaper bag. And their son is on essential prescription medication. She gave her husband, who brings the baby to day care every day, very specific instructions about what he needed to take with him for their child, and he completely messed it up in what appears to be pretty true to form.
"My husband drops out 1 year old off at daycare everyday since it's on his way to work and our son currently has to take some prescription meds which have to be administered during his time at daycare so we had to fill out some forms, get a specific signed doctor note and our son needed more wipes," OP wrote.
"He NEEDS these meds so it was very important all these forms got handed in. All this had to be dropped off today so I sent multiple texts with the list of things that needed to go to my husband so he'd have it right on his phone, I wrote down the list on the chalkboard in our kitchen and even repeated the list to my husband as he was getting ready," she continued.
OP is sick of doing it herself.
OP admits that she could have packed the forms herself, but she was over it. She had to do everything else, and she didn't think it was asking too much to have her husband take care of a couple of pieces of paper and some wipes.
"I already make my son's lunches the night before, layout his outfit, make sure his bottles are washed and cleaned etc to try to make the morning run as smooth as possible for my husband, I don't think asking him to make sure he packs 2 forms and some wipes is a lot to ask," she wrote.
Of course, he didn't get it right.
OP wasn't surprised, but when she got downstairs after her husband left, one of the papers was still on the coffee table, and she got a message that their son still needed wipes. She was furious.
She sternly asked her husband what had happened, and he immediately went on the defense. He threw it back in her face that she should have just done it herself. Now she wonders if she is wrong for being upset with him.
Even after all of that, he still failed to make a better effort the next day.
That's right. OP updated Reddit the next day after she got a message from their son's day care, asking where his lunch was. Hubby forgot to grab it from the fridge and put it in the baby's bag before dropping him off at the center. So not cool.
Redditors were feeling OP's pain.
Many Redditors thought that her husband might be suffering from an underlying medical condition, and several suggested that he might have ADHD.
"A lot of people are thinking ADHD which is totally fair but if this has been getting way worse lately or is a newer problem you definitely want to cover your bases," one person warned.
Others remarked that they have ADHD and have to make it work.
"Even if he has ADHD there are workarounds," someone else shared. "Source: have ADHD, my life is a series of workarounds."
"I have ADHD and struggle seriously with executive dysfunction. My husband did as well," another person shared. "The difference between me and both my husband and OP's is that I would never minimize the consequences of forgetting something. I would never tell someone 'if it's so important just do it yourself.' That's what makes him the AH most of all."
Others believe that maybe OP's husband is being manipulative.
There may be more going on here than just being forgetful. Is it possible that OP's husband just doesn't want to do the work?
"The second is Weaponized Incompetence. This one's a doozy. If I don't do things right, people will stop asking me to do them," one comment read. "If I prove myself incapable, people will stop relying on me. If I do a crappy job (housework, yardwork, cooking, car maintenance, a task I dislike) then other people (my spouse, my friends, my coworkers my boss) will simply stop asking me to do it and either do it themselves or ask someone else."
Yikes.
Someone else agreed.
"OR this is textbook weaponized incompetence, in which case he doesn't want to go to the doctor because he knows he might be caught in his lie," another person commented. "I think it might be a neurodevelopmental difference but it's gone into weaponized incompetence because of the fact that he refuses to get any help about it."
On the other hand, it could be something more serious.
"OP's NTA. I worry for not only their kid, but the husband, too. Issues like this could mean something easily remedied or be something far more serious," one person commented. "This is a time for tough love where OP's husband is told to go get his memory issues checked or else (insert consequences here.) He may be in denial or already know/suspect. However, it's time to know for sure before someone gets hurt or worse due to his forgetfulness."
Another person had this dire warning: "You can get early onset dementia in like your thirties, unfortunately. That's why it's called 'early onset.'"
OP, you need to put your foot down.
OP needs to insist that her husband sees a doctor. This has gone far beyond just a little forgetfulness. If something more serious happens, early intervention could make a huge difference.
And if it is a personality thing and he is just being stubborn, you'll have a better handle on what's going on and if that is really what you want to deal with for the rest of your life.
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