When parenting styles clash, it can be hard on both the adults and the kids. Hopefully, the end goal is for the child to grow up happy and healthy, but sometimes parents have different ideas of how to make that happen. For example, if one parent is incredibly rigid and strict and the other is more permissive, it can cause the child to be confused, frustrated, and maybe even afraid.
A mom reached out to Slate's Care and Feeding forum because she is really struggling with her husband's desire to "toughen up" their 7-year-old daughter. His strict parenting style is causing trouble for the parents, and their daughter is also struggling emotionally. Now the mom wonders how her husband can ease up on their daughter.
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Her husband started his demanding behavior when the little girl was really young.
According to the original poster, her husband's dominant personality began to shine through when their daughter, Caitlyn, was 5 and learning to swim. Initially, she was hesitant, which is totally normal and pretty common for little kids, and OP's husband was less than understanding. He told her it was OK to be afraid, but she had an hour to get it together before she'd be in the water, whether she liked it or not.
"He spent that time working on breathing and visualization exercises with her, and that time it worked out fine — only took maybe 10 minutes for her to get over her nervousness about the water. But he uses this technique for everything," the mom wrote in her letter. "Whenever Caitlyn is nervous, he pulls her back, has her visualize the 'Volumetric S— Compressor,' gives her some time to steel herself, often helps with that process, and then forces her to confront whatever is making her anxious head on. She threw up the first time she tried to rollerblade, and he still made her roll around the block a bit on the inlines."
OP doesn't work the same way at all.
Parenting isn't about all of the strict rules for OP. If her daughter is hesitant, she considers her feelings and has empathy. She certainly doesn't force her daughter to do anything she doesn't want to do.
The parents are arguing, and both claim they are harming Caitlyn's psyche with their parenting methods.
"I think forcing her to repeatedly endure things that make her uncomfortable will damage her, and he thinks I'm coddling and not giving her the tools to overcome difficulties," she wrote. "We still want to make this work, but the arguments are coming more and more frequently, and I really need an outside perspective."
The Care and Feeding columnist is concerned about Caitlyn.
The columnist believes that there is some merit in deep breathing and visualization, but if it is causing anxiety for Caitlyn, then OP's husband needs to cool it. The controlling ways of her dad are taking away Caitlyn's ability to make choices on her own, which isn't great, according to the columnist.
"Even if she ultimately goes ahead with the activity (again, because she is forced to) and seems 'okay' at that moment, the overall lesson she's getting is fundamentally anti-consent, and I think that is and will be damaging," the Care and Feeding columnist suggested.
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People in the comments section felt for Caitlyn.
Both parents and professionals alike believe Caitlyn was getting the raw end of the deal. They think her dad is causing more harm than good while trying to help his daughter face her fears.
"I am a psychiatrist. Standard of care for managing anxiety is facing your fears," one person wrote. "It is well-known that allowing children to avoid anxieties will set that child up for a lifetime of avoidance which can grow to severe avoidance of difficulties at work and relationships. This family should seek out professional mental health care to help their daughter with her anxiety."
Some fear that Caitlyn's dad could be setting her up for future issues with men.
"Maybe you want to consider whether your daughter feels empowered to set boundaries and say no to being pressured to do things she's uncomfortable with, though? Especially with men?" one comment read. "Because that's also a pretty big issue for many girls and one that your husband is actively contributing to."
The Care and Feeding commenters want Caitlyn to be happy.
Caitlyn needs to be confident and comfortable, not be made to feel less than, according to those responding to the mother's letter. Many worry that her father is making her so anxious that it will cause lifelong issues.
If the child is genuinely suffering, it might be time for the whole family to seek professional help to work through these issues. And hopefully, Caitlyn's dad will realize that tough love isn't the only kind of love.
