It’s not always easy to be a parent. There are some moments when your kids really test you, such as when they do something that’s disappointing or straight-up wrong. For one anonymous mom that moment was when she learned her son was bullying another teen in his class who is gay. Now she’s wondering if she went too far in reprimanding him after he refused to apologize or make things right. She wants to know if she's in the wrong.
The mom of three spilled the whole story in a recent post on Reddit.
As she explained in her post, the Original Poster loves her sons “more than anything” and added that “they were all raised to respect everyone regardless of their differences.”
“My 21-year-old and my 19-year-old have that down great, my 16-year-old however is bullying a gay boy in his class and I was less than happy when I found out (his cousin told me),” she wrote.
To make things right, the OP told her son to invite the other boy over for dinner and apologize — but he refused.
“I get it, it's embarrassing being told off in front of your friends but I don't care, I wasn't happy with his treatment,” the mom wrote. “I ended up grounding him but it didn't seem to be affecting him at all and he clearly wasn't learning his lesson.”
So the mom decided to take things into her own hands. She contacted the boy’s family herself, explained the situation, and invited them over for dinner. At the dinner, she again asked her son to apologize, but he quickly became "extremely upset/angry, maybe both and said that nobody even liked the 'f word.’”
The mom apologized on his behalf and the other family left.
Left alone, the mom and her son got into a huge argument where again he told her he wasn’t sorry “and again that nobody likes this kid.”
“I told him that I don't like him very much right now either,” she recalled. “He got quiet, apologized and went to his room.
“I've now been told that he's apologized to the student he was bullying and his grounding has been lifted, he's still hiding in his room and we very rarely speak,” she shared.
Although the mom was finally able to get through to her son, her ex-husband thought she was way too harsh.
He told the OP that she shouldn’t have told their son that she doesn’t like him, “and that there's no excuse and of course that that behavior is the reason we're not together, because I can't help but be a miserable asshole.”
“I understand it may not have been the nicest thing to hear but he was not listening to a word I was saying and was being a downright bully,” she explained.
So was she really so wrong?
Some people agreed: There are some things a parent should never say.
“[You're the A–hole]. S— like that sticks with a kid. I get how you meant it, but your son doesn’t," one person explained. "Also, you should try talking to your son about why he’s bullying a gay student. Why him?"
"I think you were stupid for thinking he would apologise in that situation. Putting a kid on the spot like that in front of a crowd is never a good move," someone else wrote. "I do agree that your sons behaviour is unacceptable, but to tell your own son you do not love him has probably destroyed him.
"A 16-year-old kid. He’ll never forget that, you will have to accept the consequences that stem from this," the person continued. "[You're the A–hole]. There’s far better ways to deal with this than how you’ve dealt with it. I do not expect Reddit’s hive mind to agree with me, because it involves a homophobe (which I also do not agree with)."
A third person put it this way:
"Language nuances I may be missing but I wouldn't ever tell a child I dont like them, even when 'right now' is added. I would say 'I don't like your behavior,' 'I'm disappointed by your behavior' but 'I don't like you' isn't something I'd say. All that being said he is probably being encouraged to do this by his father. Get him to a therapist to see what is happening in his head because he may be trying to impress the dad."
On the other hand, some commenters thought she was nailing this whole parenting thing.
“This sort of behavior has to be stopped, and it seems you've managed to effectively stop it," one person wrote. "You told him that you didn't like him 'right now,' well, at that time he was acting in a very unlikeable manner. He is doing some soul searching right now. Let him be, he'll talk to you when he is ready."
"[Not the A–hole]. And you didn't say you didn't like him as in just that in general you didn't like your son. You said: 'I don't like him very much right now either,'" one commenter pointed out. "And that's a different story. That means you didn't like how he was acting, not that you didn't like him as a person in general. Considering the seriousness of what your son was doing, I think it was worth saying. In fact, it seemed to be the one thing that got through to him. It's too bad your ex undermined your efforts."
"[Not the A–hole]," someone else chimed in. "I've had this discussion with my kiddos. I told them that I will always love them. Nothing can ever change that. That love is unconditional. However, there will, more than likely, be times where I might not like them very much due to their behavior and such. Even if I don't like them at that moment, my love never waivers. You telling your son that you don't like him very much opened his eyes to his behavior. You're NTA for that. 100%."
In an update to her post, the mom revealed that when she finally spoke to her son, he let her know the real reason for the bullying.
As the mom explained, she had a "little chit chat" with her son and he told her that "he'd asked his victim on a date and was turned down."
"Instead of acting like a normal human being he decided to be spiteful and started bullying the boy," she continued. "He's still making up for it and we've had a talk about consent and the fact that nobody is obligated to date him. He knows I understand he was hurt but he should have spoken to me, after all, it's what I'm here for."
Unfortunately, her ex-husband is "openly homophobic" and "he no longer wants to visit him on weekends, so hopefully his father will no longer make such a great impression."
"I also want to thank everyone for their kind words to this mama who thought she'd handled a tough situation very very poorly!" she added at the end. "I appreciate all the kindness!"
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