Religion and faith are deeply personal things. People have strong opinions about what they do and do not believe. For married couples, having similar religious convictions can make things easier. But as we all know, the world is filled with billions of people, and coming across someone who thinks exactly like you is rare.
People will often agree to disagree on certain things, which can make both parties happy, at least for a while. But what happens once they have children?
A man posted in Reddit's AITA forum about one such situation with his wife. She is a practicing Catholic, and he is agnostic. The couple is expecting their first child, and while there has not been much discussion, his wife is taking the stance that they will raise their child Catholic. The original poster is not against the idea, but he wants to wait until the child can decide for themselves if they wish to practice religion. It's recently caused a lot of strife for the couple, and he wants some help handling the delicate subject.
OP and his wife don't agree on everything.
OP, 31, admits that he and his wife, 29, have differing opinions. Two of the big ones are politics and religion. But they have put their differences aside and have a happy marriage. They are thrilled to be expecting their first child together, but the religion issue has reared its head recently, and OP is unhappy.
The family got together for OP's wife's birthday.
OP's wife's birthday was in August, and the family gathered for Mass. He doesn't love going to Mass, but he has always tolerated it for her. After this particular church visit, he talked with his father-in-law, and the baby came up in conversation.
"Afterward, I was talking to my father-in-law and he had casually asked when we were going to get the baby baptized. Me and my wife had never talked about this before, so I simply told him my opinion. I said I didn't really want to baptize our child until they were old enough to decide on their own what they believed. He said he understood that and didn't didn't push it beyond that," OP wrote on Reddit.
OP's wife overheard the conversation.
OP felt OK about the talk with his FIL, but noticed his wife out of the corner of his eye, and she looked upset. She presumably heard what they were talking about and didn't like what her husband had said. She didn't say anything about it, but started dropping subtle hints, like putting up a cross in the baby's room. All of the passive-aggressive behavior came to a head, and an argument ensued.
It started out as a nice night watching TV.
OP and his wife were simply watching TV when she mentioned wanting to have the baby baptized after its birth. Things went downhill from there. OP explained his side of the story and said that he wanted the child to be able to choose its path. His wife didn't like that at all.
"She said that not bringing the baby up Christian was essentially indoctrinating it to be an atheist like me (she refuses to say agnostic). I tried to explain to her that I was totally fine with the baby being Christian, but not until it was old enough to decide that on its own, but she got mad and stormed off into our bedroom," he explained.
His wife got big mad and stormed off.
This time it wasn't a simple disagreement. OP's wife decided she needed to leave the house and stay with her sister. She didn't give a reason. Instead, she simply left. He called her, and she said she didn't leave because of the religious disagreement, but he isn't buying it.
"I'm considering going up there to talk to her, but I'm not sure if she just needs some time to calm down. I do understand that she is just as much the [baby's] parent as I am, and she has as much a right to want to parent it a certain way as I do," he wrote.
Now he wants to know, is he wrong?
Is this really the first time this has come up?
Redditors wondered if this was actually the first time the couple talked about how they would raise their kids. Religion is a big thing, and people found it strange that they hadn't talked this out before.
"Came to say this I am religious, my husband atheist," one person explained. "Before we were married we sat down together and discussed religion and children. Then again when we decided to try for kids we had the discussion again. Neither of my children are baptized but they do attend a religious school once they are older they can decide if they want to attend church with me, and if they want to continue in a religious school setting. It took a lot of give and take, long discussions but as adults we knew it was our job to get things sorted before we were married and before kiddos were in the picture."
Another pointed out: "Religion and raising a child are something that should be discussed before marriage but certainly BEFORE getting pregnant. There should be some agreement before starting that adventure."
Discussing this beforehand could have saved a lot of trouble. "You're right, but ESH for not having discussed this long before it became an issue," someone commented. "For me this would be a deal breaker for even being in a relationship."
Some wondered if they were married in a church.
Maybe if they were married in a Catholic church, his wife assumed they would raise their child in the faith.
"Your wife is Catholic," one person noted. "You presumably knew this when you married her. If you married in the Catholic Church, you explicitly agreed to not prevent your wife from raising any children Catholic. YTA for springing this on her and if you felt this way before the marriage and withheld it from her, it's actually grounds for an annulment."
And maybe OP is sending mixed signals. "You also shouldn't have gone to church with her," another comment reads. "By doing so it showed that she could sway you. I hope that you like the idea of sending your kid to Catholic school too because I bet she has plans for it already."
Of course, people understood both sides but were still confused.
The whole thing just seemed unbelievable to some people.
"What made you think getting pregnant before discussing baby's 'faith' was a good idea?" someone wondered. "This isn't a last minute conversation about what color the nursery should be. It's not AITA topic, really. It is expected that you, an agnostic, wouldn't want to baptize your baby. Just as it is expected that she, a Catholic, would want to. I can say that without knowing you. Honestly, good luck. I have no idea how to get out of this."
Redditors couldn't conclude who was right and who was wrong.
Many people agreed that it's not about being an a–hole. Both OP and his wife have valid opinions. It's a matter of finding peace within their marriage. And at this point, that might be tough when they have differing opinions. OP hasn't threatened his wife but has given his thoughts. And she has voiced hers. Where do they find common ground? Not talking about these big things until now might have been a mistake.
"It is a huge mistake not letting your religious and political opinions come into play in your relationship," another comment reads. "Politics and religion define your morals and how you choose to engage with the world around you. They are difficult topics to bring up but ultimately these topics are the ones that will help you build a better (or worse) family. Not necessarily by having a determined opinion or belief, but by acting like partners and compromising about these things TOGETHER. Good luck."
OP, this is not an ideal situation. But hopefully, you and your wife can live a long, happy life together, and your child can learn great things from both of you.
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