A few years back, I wrote an article about the common reasons for divorce. I’m pretty sure it will come as absolutely no surprise that some of the issues included things like financial strain, poor communication, physical and emotional abuse, and a lack of intimacy.
However, something that I didn’t share — and quite frankly, I don’t see in a lot of other articles on the topic either — is stress. How is it that stress is directly linked to health-related issues like headaches, colds, heart disease, obesity, and depression, yet we never really talk about how it can play a significant role in destroying relationships, too? Especially if you or your partner tend to suppress stress more than do things to release it, like pray/meditate, exercise, journal, and rest.
If you’re not intentional about prioritizing ways to release various stressors in your life, at some point it’s going to affect — and by affect what I mean is infect — your holistic health and your relationships. So, what are some things that you can do to prevent stress from damaging your marriage?
Wait an Hour After Work Before Fully Engaging
I know husbands who hate to come home because as soon as they hit the door, there are barely any greetings — just demands. An ex of mine used to say that a home should be a partner’s sanctuary and I couldn’t agree more. A sanctuary is a place of refuge and no one should feel like their house is a war zone.
One way to prevent that from occurring within your own walls is for you and your spouse to give each other space at the end of the day. Don’t inundate one another with stuff as soon as you see each other. Say “hello." Give a hug and/or kiss. Perhaps briefly run over what you want dinner plans to be, and then give each other 30 to 60 minutes alone to totally decompress.
Although a lot of folks don’t give much thought to it, it requires a different kind of energy and headspace to be in the house than outside of it. By not allowing you and your partner moments to process this point, that can definitely put one or both of you on edge — whether you consciously realize it or not.
Watch Your Body Language
It used to be said that 80% of communication is nonverbal. However, more studies are coming out stating that around 55% of interacting with others in this way is nonverbal. Y’all, that’s still a lot. And when we’re doing things like tapping our feet, rolling our eyes, avoiding eye contact, crossing our arms and pursing our lips — it can be triggering to our partner because all of these things can come off as being sarcastic or cynical at best and totally dismissive at worst.
No one is going to have a healthy and productive conversation with their partner if they feel triggered. So definitely another way to reduce stress and tension in your relationship is to be ever-cognizant of your body language.
Hold Weekly 'Marriage Business Meetings'
I know a married couple who used to “fight” fairly often. The main reason was because the demands of life kept them from discussing issues as they presented themselves. As a direct result, once they did get 10 to 15 minutes to take a breath and talk things out, so many things were piled up on their list that they both felt overwhelmed and triggered by the fact that things had gotten so out of control.
If you can totally relate to them, I’ll tell you what they did — they started scheduling what I call, “marriage business meetings.” They made sure to set aside an hour a week to do nothing but go over stuff that was concerning them or even just irritating them.
What’s cool about these types of meetings is since you know that they are on the docket, you don’t have to “go past your bandwidth” the rest of the time. In other words, if your husband calls you and says, “Listen, this credit card bill is out of control” while you’re in the middle of a project for work, you can simply say, “Let’s talk about it at the next meeting” so that you can get back to the task at hand and he won’t feel like his feelings are being dismissed.
Not only that, but since you both know that the meeting is coming, you can mentally and emotionally prepare yourself, so that you can approach the matters on the “agenda” from a calmer and clearer headspace and point of view.
Be Intentional About Your Diet
This particular point might seem a bit random on the surface but that doesn’t make it any less relevant. The reality is that there are some foods that elevate anxiety levels and others that will help to calm them.
On the you-should-probably-eat-that-less team are foods like sugar, caffeine, high-fat dairy products, processed meats, and white carbs like pasta and rice. On the flip side, foods that can help to calm you include dark leafy greens, whole grains, berries, dark chocolate, salmon, eggs, and yogurt.
Try to consume more of the foods in the “B” category and see if that helps you and your spouse to woo-sah more than you’ve been doing lately. Also, consider preparing these foods together. Cooking together is a stress reliever for many as well.
'Complain to Someone Who Can Help You'
This point is definitely a motto that I live by because if you’re only talking to people who A) are bitter and jaded and/or B) are not proactive about helping you to stay in your relationship and/or C) tend to lean toward a negative bias regardless of what’s going on, you’re going to hang up the phone only feeling worse, not better.
It’s OK to vent. Well, let me back that up a bit — it’s OK to vent in safe spaces to people who are going to keep your personal business confidential. Yet a part of the reason why a therapist/counselor/life coach might be your better bet is they are trained to see things from an unbiased perspective and provide insight and tips to get you through the challenging times. As a bonus, they are legally obligated to keep their mouth shut.
Whoever you decide to go to (try to avoid family members; your marriage deserves to have some boundaries and your partner deserves for some things to be kept private … as do you), just make sure to ask yourself, “Are they going to make me feel better or worse about the situation?” If the answer isn’t on the upswing or you’re not sure, do yourself and your marriage a huge favor and find somebody else — stat.
Go for Walks or Drives (Together)
Fight or flight. This can show up in marital dynamics just as much as anywhere else. And while I’m all for couples getting a bit of time apart if they are causing each other stress (more on that in a bit), at the same time, I believe that taking some deep breaths and getting a change of scenery — yes together — can do wonders for the relationship, too.
That said, when’s the last time you and yours went for a walk after dinner or taken a long drive together, parked somewhere and just inhaled and exhaled while looking up at a setting sun or twinkling stars? There’s plenty of science to support the fact that walking can help to elevate endorphin levels which can help you (and your partner) to feel more relaxed. And driving without a smartphone can help you (and your partner) to clear your mind so that you can communicate with each other without being tense and out of sorts.
Be More Physically Intimate (Increase Those Oxytocin Levels!)
A few years ago, I wrote an article for another platform entitled, “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good.” I’m bringing it up here because while I personally believe — and there is plenty of data to back up — that one of the best ways to reduce stress and tension in a marriage is to have a healthy intimacy life, that doesn’t mean that it should be a crutch.
You definitely shouldn’t use intimacy/sex as a way to deflect from any issue that requires verbal conversation (or perhaps even therapy up the road). At the same time, I tell married couples often that I definitely think that sex is a form of a reward (reward means “something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc.”) for married folks because getting up every morning and deciding to stay committed to someone is no joke.
Not to mention the fact that the “oxytocin highs” that come from sexual intimacy are proven to decrease stress levels in a myriad of ways. So, whether it’s full-on sex, quickies, oral activities, or a long ass make-out session, strive to be more physically intimate with your partner more often.
You need it. They need it. Your marriage needs it.
Keep 'Deep Chats' Out of the Bedroom
It can’t be said enough, perhaps because not enough people pay attention to it, but your bedroom really should be used for nothing else other than sex and sleep. It shouldn’t be where you have your biggest arguments. It shouldn’t be where you catch up on all of your work. It shouldn’t be where you try to handle bills. It literally should be seen and treated like a refuge and escape space where you can get away from all of the stresses of everyday life.
So, what about pillow talk? Pillow talk is awesome so long as it’s not about how your in-laws drive you up the wall or the fact that your kids need extra money for extracurricular activities. You’ve got other rooms in the house to discuss stuff like that.
Listen, life is pretty challenging. It’s good to know that you’ve got at least one room in your home where you can shut out the world and really just focus on each other. Your bedroom should be where you cuddle, have midnight movie nights, put new things on your couple-themed bucket list — just … enjoy one another. I’m telling you — the more you make your bedroom that space for you, the easier it will be to deal with whatever is awaiting you both outside of your bedroom door.
Stop Holding Grudges
I’ve never been a fan of grudge holding. To me, it’s always been a manipulative power play, and it plays out to be rather childish as well. Essentially what a grudge means is rather than deal with something head-on, you’d rather stomp around and/or be passive aggressive and/or not speak for days — and how is any of that even remotely healthy or beneficial to your relationship?
That’s why, something that I oftentimes tell dating couples is if one or both of you suck at forgiving, you absolutely should not get married because if there’s one relationship that is gonna test you in the area of pardoning offenses, releasing resentment, getting over bitterness, and accepting that we’re all human and we’re going to make mistakes (pretty much daily), it’s marriage.
Besides, grudges create walls and only make people more tense — and that can lead to a spike in your blood pressure along with a host of other health-related issues. That’s why it really is best to try and deal with issues, as they come, head on.
Try not to let more than a couple of days go by without addressing them because not holding grudges is not only a way to keep a lot of stress out of your marriage; it’s a way to keep your physical and mental health in good condition, too.
Don't Be Afraid To Give Your Partner Space
Just recently, I watched a really cute movie on Tubi called Quaker Oaths. Without giving too much away, it was about a couple who wanted to get a divorce but had to go through the Quaker tradition of getting everyone who attended their wedding to personally agree to them getting a divorce by crossing their name off of the guest list.
I’m bringing this up and closing this article out with this point because there is a certain “oneness” about marriage that should be taken seriously and literally. At the same time, that doesn’t mean that you are to lose some of the individuality that attracted your partner to you in the first place (and vice versa).
As much as you may love your spouse, another source of stress and tension can be not giving them space. Space to decompress. Space to enjoy certain activities outside of you. Space to spend time with some of their friends.
You know the saying: Things have a harder time growing in the shade. If you want to decrease some of the stress in your marriage, make sure that you both give each other space from time to time — consistently too. Folks need to “miss each other” … even in marriage.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
