The birds and the bees talk can be uncomfortable for parents and their kids, but at least you somewhat know what to expect when going into that conversation. However, one parent is dealing in some pretty unchartered waters with his teen son when it comes to a sex talk after he caught him masturbating to a photo of his own mom.
As the Letter Writer explained, he always thought their 16-year-old, Trevor, was a “pretty normal kid.”
He gets along with his classmates, does well in school, “and is generally a good guy,” the LW explained in a letter to the Dear Prudence advice column.
“However, something that I witnessed yesterday has shaken my image of him,” the LW wrote.
It happened one day when the LW came home from work.
“I went to the closest restroom to the front door,” the LW wrote. “This also happens to be the closest restroom to Trevor’s bedroom.”
The bathroom door was slightly ajar when the LW got there, “and when I pushed it open, I saw Trevor on the toilet, masturbating with one hand and holding his iPad with the other.”
Awkward.
But when the LW noticed what was on the iPad screen, things got so much worse.
“It was, unmistakably, a Facebook photo of my wife at the beach in a bikini. I apologized and rushed out, and I’ve been thinking about this incident ever since,” the LW wrote. “I know that teens are horny, but it’s hard to look at my son the same way after I saw him jerking off to an image of his own mother.”
The LW hasn’t said anything to his son nor his wife, and he doesn't even know if he should, given the ahem nature of what happened. He sought a little advice on if and how — God, HOW — they can address this.
Some commenters thought the LW needed to say something.
They thought a conversation needed to happen with the LW's wife or the son.
"You have to tell her," one person pleaded. "I say this as a mom of a son myself (who is a bit younger than your son, but I digress). She needs to know this information to keep herself safe from her own son. This will kill her emotionally but she needs to know this. I am so sorry. This is life-changing and their relationship will never be the same. She may choose to estrange herself from him entirely. She needs to be able to make an informed choice."
"You need to talk to your son!" another commenter exclaimed. "Yes it will be awkward for both of you, but it's important to find out what's going on. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away. I would approach it very carefully, with kindness and without judgment. Tell him what you saw and ask him for his perspective.
"If he has some unhealthy fixation with his mother, a therapist would be a great first step in helping him navigate these feelings," the person continued. "Tell him that you love him and do not judge him, but that you want him to be able to have a healthy relationship with his mother. If he's too shut down to talk to you, then def find him a therapist so that he has someone to talk to."
"I wouldn't let it just slide," a third commenter agreed. "If there's a family therapist or kid therapist and I were the LW, I would go to a session with the kid and say 'this is what I think I saw. what was going on?' and/or let the therapist guide the discussion. I think there are good odds that it was a mistake, but if it isn't … it's pretty disturbing to wank to an image of your biological parent and surfacing it to a therapist seems appropriate."
Other people thought the LW should ignore it.
"Re: Wish I'd Never Seen it….ignore it….it is natural and they even have a term for it — Oedipus Complex," one person advised.
Someone else agreed that this was all fine and thought that the columnist shouldn't overstep.
"Prudence, you shouldn't be giving psychological advice of a sexual nature, without consulting a child psychologist first," the person wrote. "If you had, you would know that this situation isn't something to be alarmed about. Even more, your answer is based on hearsay and assumption. Anyone advising that man, to tell his wife or talk to his son about what he thinks he saw, will be causing irreversible damage to that entire family.
The person continued, "The best advice is to understand that the son's privacy was invaded and should remain intact, as he was doing nothing wrong or shameful. Psychologically, it is normal for some young men to romanticize about the women or girls closest to them, it doesn't actually mean that they are really enamored with them persay.
"Please consult a trained psychologist about the early sexual development of children and teenagers, before giving advice that could be damaging to someone's future," the person concluded. "Just because it sounds unusual to you or others, doesn't mean it is. Never place your personal opinion (as solid advice) upon something you don't understand, maybe never heard of or don't have expertise in."
Columnist Jenée Desmond-Harris actually thought the LW should let things be.
“I’m as disturbed as you are, but I think where I come down on this is: Pretend it never happened,” she advised. “However you would have treated Trevor and whatever you would have talked about with your wife before you saw this thing you were never supposed to see, do that.”
She added that this is her advice only until the LW might see something else that raises alarm bells.
“And I’m hopeful that you never will!” she wrote. “Maybe I’m in denial on your behalf, but even though you say you’re sure you saw a photo of your wife, I want to believe there are other possibilities — for example, he was looking at the post above hers and, in his panic in the split second between when he heard you approaching the door and when you opened it, shifted his grip on the iPad and unintentionally scrolled down to your wife.”
If there is another incident that hints that something else is going on, the LW should tell the wife and follow her lead on how she wants to handle things, Jenée advised. “If this is indeed a real problem, it affects her the most.”
