Of course we all want the best for our children, but what is "best?" Sometimes we can project the idea of what we think success should be and the steps our child needs to take to live up to those goals. But projecting our own ideals onto a child — even if it comes from a good place — can be doing more damage than we think.
CafeMom spoke with life coach and mother of three Lorena Bernal about this topic and how we need to be living in the moment rather than worrying about a future our child may not even want.
Oftentimes parents will project onto their child based on their own childhoods. They may want a kid to fulfill lost dreams or have scenarios go differently for them than they did for the parent. Although these are understandable emotions, they're not necessarily the healthiest. Our kids are their own people, and we need to let them grow into who they are without measuring it against our own ideals.
Here are 15 ways to kick that projecting habit, according to Bernal.
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Projecting is natural.
Bernal knows that projecting "is totally human" and never completely avoidable. We're always navigating new things by comparing them to situations and experiences we've already been through. She says it helps us "feel more comfortable in the unknown." But there's a big difference between projecting what a restaurant may be like based on another we've been to and trying to determine how our children's entire lives will pan out.
We want to be good parents.
Ultimately a lot of projection comes down to us just wanting to be good parents, Bernal tells us. "As soon as they see the kid struggling … [parents] start doubting how they're doing, what they're doing, if they're doing it well, if they're doing it wrong," she says.
But too often the parent is judging the so-called "success" of their child against their own projections and skewing the entire outlook.
Lead with love.
It's this worry about not being a good parent that Bernal wants us to avoid. "We think it's more important to teach [our kids] and to fix them … or to fix what we're doing instead of loving them, accepting them," she says. "What is most important is to not function from fear or from doubt."
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Enjoy the little things.
Bernal doesn't want parents to be so caught up with worrying about their kids' achievements that they miss the small moments that make life special.
"Sometimes what makes them happy is just to hug you … watching TV together … rolling down a hill in the park," she says, adding that many people make think that's not enough "because we don't see that as enough for them to be successful later."
But in focusing on the laters we miss the beautiful nows.
Children don't need to be labeled.
We've all heard the phrase "the terrible twos," but Bernal thinks these kinds of labels can hurt a child. "Kids will believe everything the parents say about them," she cautions. It sort of then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. "Then we act on the label and we don't see the evolution of the kid," she says.
Instead of predicting how a child will be, simply see who they are in these different moments of their lives.
Be in the moment.
Bernal says that when parents project, "what you see is a reflection of your worries, or you see someone that reminds you who you were when you were a kid, or what you see is a reflection of what you would like to see in the future … you don't get to see the person you have in front of you."
So she hopes parents can try to be in the moment with their children to allow them to be seen for who they actually are.
Projecting can affect children into adulthood.
The more a parent projects their own version onto the child, the more it can affect them long term. "The child doesn't feel seen, doesn't feel heard, doesn't feel understood, and that becomes a problem eventually when the child grows up," Bernal says.
But we can stop these issues early before it gets to that.
Parents should self-reflect.
Bernal thinks that if parents find themselves having a big reaction to something their child is doing (or not doing), they may need to look inward.
"Parents sometimes focus on trying to fix their children instead of trying to go inside and see their own struggles or their own traumas," she says. "Make peace with your own struggles, then you are at a stable position to be able to … accompany them in their growth instead of projecting your undone or unfinished work."
Bernal says parents can sort through things with outside help like a life coach or counselor — or even just with themselves if they can really look and reflect on their own lives.
Kids can feel our emotions.
Children are perceptive, so even if we're not telling them our projections, they can likely feel them. "They're feeling constantly our doubts, our insecurities, our fear, and they don't understand it," Bernal says, adding that kids can pick up on that fear or stress.
That isn't good for anyone, so it's up to us to regulate those emotions before they reach the child.
Success doesn't have one definition.
The ultimate issue with projecting the life we want for our child is that we don't necessarily know what success means for them.
"We want the best for our kids, but I don't think we know what the best is," Bernal says. "Normally our definition of success is based on what we have not achieved, assuming that that will bring happiness for them."
She adds that some people may consider a big career or lots of money as being markers of success, but having those things doesn't necessarily someone happy. We shouldn't make our kids fit a mold of our version of success.
Give children tools for themselves.
Bernal hopes parents can give their children the tools for life based on what the individual child needs. "Accompany them in their path. Don't bring them in your path," she says.
She compares it to preparing them to enter the jungle of life. "You need to know if your kid is a tiger or a koala or a snake or a bird. You cannot assume your kid is whatever you are. Otherwise, you're not giving your kid the tools to then be in the jungle in a safe way or in a successful way [for them]," she says.
Encourage self-confidence.
"The main tool is being confident in themselves," Bernal says. "Making sure you see them, you hear them, you love them, and you're there for them."
If our children know that, they'll have the confidence to tackle life on their own eventually — with the wisdom and guidance we gave them, but without the pressure.
We should trust our instincts.
Ultimately, when it comes to parenting, Bernal wants us to stop trying to control a certain outcome.
"You are wasting your time trying to fix instead of enjoying what you have," she says. "Nothing is ideal or perfect … it is about releasing control. Let go. Just trust your instincts."
Snap out of it.
If and when we do find ourselves starting to project, we can put a stop to it by being self-aware.
"What can help is first of all, heal your stuff," Bernal tells us. "Then while you are projecting, try to be aware of it so you can take your yourself out of it and go back to the present. Go back to seeing your kid at that moment."
Enjoy parenthood more without the stress.
Making these mindset shifts can actually make parenthood more enjoyable for everyone involved.
"Being a parent is beautiful," Bernal says. "If you allow yourself to feel that, it fulfills you with peace, with love, with enjoyment. And you see life through the eyes of your kid."
She adds, "We deserve to allow ourselves to relax a little bit more with being a mom or a dad."
So true.
