A few years ago, there was a movie all my friends with kids were losing their minds over: Yes Day. The movie stars Jennifer Garner and the premise is basically: Say yes to everything your kids ask for or want to do (within reason) for 24 hours. Eat cake for breakfast? Yes! Dye their hair pink? Yes! Move the furniture around in their room? Yes!
OK, maybe Iām embellishing a little. But the mentality was that parents are always saying no to kids. So if it didnāt hurt or endanger them or anyone else, itās a yes. For a day. The idea being that it would take some of the stress off of parenting and make for a bit more family fun.
The control freak in me cringed when I heard this.
For some background, I am not a yes parent. Iām actually probably the opposite. Sure, Iāve loosened the reins over the years as my kids have grown up. I am a heck of a lot less strict with my second child than I am with my first. I think this is just natural parenting progression (sorry, first child!).
Maybe my parenting style is more rigid than some. Nothing crazy. I mean, I allow Playdough and slime in my house without flinching. Overall, Iād say we live a good balance between firm and lenient. So when the Yes Day fad rolled in, it seemed extreme to me. Why would I allow my kids a free-for-all for a day? No boundaries!?
Later on, I found myself saying no quite a lot. And not just āNo, you canāt jump off that brick wall because youāll definitely hurt yourself.ā We believe in responsibility, staying safe, and having natural consequences over here.
But "no" soon became my first response. No follow-up. No consideration. I tossed out knee-jerk reactive noās like I was throwing confetti.
Fast forward a few years, and Iām learning thereās an appropriate in-between.
Iām seeing whatever the gray area is between āsaying no to everything instinctivelyā and āa total, free-for-all, yes day.ā It goes something like this:
When my kid asks me to do something, go somewhere, make time for something, etc. I ask myself, āWhy am I saying no? And why canāt I say yes?ā
For example, my daughter comes into my room 10 minutes after she goes to bed with the new library book sheās excited about. She asks if we can read it together. Iām tired. Sheās supposed to be in bed. This is my kid-free time. I immediately want to say no. But why? Sheās supposed to be in bed. I want alone time.
Can I say yes?
Reasons to say yes: I have four minutes of time. I donāt have anywhere important to be or a time-pressed task. I know she has a new book sheās excited about. Sheās been at school all day and might be searching for some time to connect with me. She likely wonāt be asleep in her room in those four minutes. Itās not really going to make her go to bed later. I can say yes.
Are there still times I say no when I can likely say yes? Absolutely. Itās not an exact science. I still donāt believe every child should be told yes all the time. But being conscious of this makes for more yeses. And I know more yesses make for happy kids.
But Iām seeing that saying no all the time doesnāt solve the problem either.
If I said no in the scenario with my daughter and the book, she wouldāve been upset. Maybe not outwardly, but she wouldāve been disappointed. It may have even extended bedtime longer.
As a recovering No-Parent, I canāt say I will ever become a Yes Day one. But I know there are opportunities when I can tell my kids yes a little more than I do. So hereās to reframing how often I tell my kids no. Even if itās just a little less.
