My White Friends Chose a Black Sperm Donor & Think I’m Racist for Telling Them It’s a Bad Idea

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When same-sex couples want to have a baby, they have a few options to choose from. Some like to adopt, others may want to use a surrogate, and some women choose to carry the baby themselves. Of course, to make that happen, they have to obtain some sperm. A lesbian couple may want to use the sperm of someone they know. Or they might choose a donor with similar physical features as them so their child might look like both parents.

It’s a very personal choice that couples take seriously. Even so, sometimes, people uninvolved in the situation stick their noses where they might not belong. But what if it’s for a good reason? We’ll explain.

A woman posted in Reddit’s AITA forum asking if she overstepped a boundary when it came to her friends’ sperm donor choice. The couple, Jenna and Allison, are both white females. Allison has three white children from a previous marriage to a man, and Jenna is expecting their first child together. The couple chose a Black sperm donor because they wanted a mixed baby. The Original Poster, or OP, told them this will only hurt the child, and now they’re all upset. Who is in the wrong?

Allison and Jenna used a fertility clinic.

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According to the OP, they had the option to choose the physical characteristics of their sperm donor and chose a Black man, which rubbed the OP the wrong way.

“Allison, Jenna and all three of their daughters are fully white. I told them that they made a mistake choosing that particular donor and should have chosen a white donor,” the OP explained. “I told them I feel as though they are doing a disservice to their future child. They will look different than all of their siblings and grow up completely away from any sort of black culture and have no black relatives.”

Allison and Jenna told the OP she was racist.

They told her they thought mixed babies were cute and to mind her own business.

“My issue isn’t with mixed babies, my issue is that two white women chose to have a mixed baby knowing what obstacles she will face and that neither of them will be able to relate to her,” she wrote. “Yes, I know they face discrimination as lesbians but I don’t think that’s the same as what black people deal with. Am I the a–hole for telling her she shouldve chosen a different sperm donor?”

Some Redditors agreed with the OP.

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They understood why she felt like her friends were overlooking an important factor.

“NTA, it is unfair to purposely choose to bring a child into a world in which they will lack a connection to a part of their identity growing up,” one person wrote. “It is one thing to adopt a child of color in need of a home and family (although this has become controversial) but choosing to create a child who will look differently from their siblings and parents and will face different obstacles because of that, that neither parent will ever be able to comprehend, just seems so incredibly selfish and short-sighted. Choosing to create them and then raise them absent of part of their cultural identity is a bizarre choice and I think it’s rooted in selfishness.”

This person agreed and had a good point: “NTA I’m mixed (non-black) and will eventually be using a sperm donor. This isn’t a good situation for the child. Not to mention black men are very underrepresented in sperm banks, meaning they used vials that could have gone to black couples/individuals who are looking for or even waiting for a donor.”

Others thought the OP was a total jerk.

“To be honest, most of these issues you raise just seem to be issues with adoption/donation. Is it about Black family or is it about family? The thing that tips it over the edge for me is that the baby is already on its way,” a commenter who is Black wrote. “What is your goal here? To make them second-guess themselves? To make them think they’ve made the wrong choice? At best, you’re being a pest. Stop it.”

This person agreed, sharing, “It’s not your place to dictate or criticise the deeply personal choice that Allison and Jenna made together. While you may think you’re coming from a place of concern, your comments imply that a child’s worth or well-being is tied to how closely they resemble their siblings or parents, which is not only outdated but dismissive of what really matters: love, support, and a safe, nurturing environment.”

The opinions were all over the place on this one.

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One commenter wrapped up the situation quite well, suggesting that everyone sucks. “They suck for treating a baby like an accessory. But it’s non of your business. Especially now that the damage is done and they cant go back,” the person wrote. “So you’re basically just giving them a moral preaching to make them feel bad about something they cannot change.”