Given that research shows that both parents work outside the home in the majority of families, it's not surprising to learn most couples also report that their ideal model for parenting is an equally shared workload. Most of us probably think equally sharing the load for family and household management sounds like a great idea. Unfortunately, research also shows there is often a big gap between the ideal of an equally shared workload and the reality for most moms.
One research study identified something called the "cognitive load" as a major source of household conflict. Simply put, the cognitive load is the burden carried by the person who is charge of anticipating needs, planning for household tasks, and making sure stuff gets done before it's too late.
Women are more likely to carry the cognitive load and, as one fired up TikTok mom explains, it is freaking exhausting. Jade Johnson (who posts as @jade.mrsjohnson) is the mother of a 3-year-old (so thoughts and prayers there) and recently explained the burden of the cognitive load as a matter of mothers lacking the choice to just not think about everything.
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Being a mom means not having choices.
Jade starts her viral video by talking about something that is "really annoying, as a mom specifically and a wife is you don't have the choice."
She goes on to give some examples that likely hit home for a lot of moms: "I don't have the choice to tell my son no thank you. I don't have the choice to go upstairs and take a s— for 35 minutes and not be interrupted. I don't have the choice to not figure out what the f we're going to eat for dinner for the rest of the week."
In addition to confirming that most husbands need to get more fiber in their diet (it should NOT take that long to poop, gentlemen), this frustration is so relatable.
Cognitive load and invisible labor are real.
Cognitive load, emotional labor, and invisible labor, are all concepts that explain what Jade is talking about. A couple might agree to split the work of making dinner, for example, but do both partners understand that making dinner is more than just cooking it? As Jade goes on, she mentions having to not only think about what to make for dinner but also to think about what groceries are in the house and about the grocery budget.
Making dinner is physical labor, but moms also get stuck with the emotional labor of figuring out what to feed a picky kid so there isn't a dinnertime battle, plus the cognitive load of thinking about dinner options and the invisible labor of keeping track of budgets and what groceries are in the house. It is a lot and, as Jade points out, moms don't get the freedom to just opt out of doing it.
Moms don't get the choice to just not do it.
In addition to not feeling like she has the choice to not think about all the household tasks, Jade also points out the reality of feeling trapped when she notes how badly she needs a break and how she also feels pressured to manage her emotions "for the benefit of my two roommates and dog."
Her post, which has gotten more than 3,000 comments, clearly struck a nerve with other moms, including one who shared, "I was having a breakdown realizing this yesterday. No matter how good I am at my job or how good my husband is, I'm the brains of the operation."
Another commenter noted, "sometimes I feel like a prisoner. My husband is awesome and is involved but it's still ALLLLLL me to direct, plan, facilitate our lives."
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'This is the stuff that they don't tell you about.'
The other important thing Jade points out is that our culture still really socializes girls to dream of a big wedding and getting married and having kids, but we're still not as honest as we can be about how the invisible labor gap exists. As Jade explains, in all of the "excitement of wedding and excitement of marriage and the excitement of being a mom, this is the [expletive] that will drive you insane."
This video has clearly struck a nerve, even among happily married and happily parenting moms, because she's right that it can feel "defeating" to feel like we can never stop thinking about all the stuff that has to get done and that we don't have the choice to just not care about it because someone has too!
Maybe that should be the big takeaway here: How do we make sure our sons grow up to care about this just as much as our daughters do?
