As adults, we all know that sex can be so many things. It can be a way of expressing love, of feeling pleasure, of connecting with our own bodies and the bodies of our partners. Sometimes it is an amazing hours-long event with candles and extended foreplay. But let's be real, a lot of times it's a stolen 20 minute quickie while the TV distracts the kids. It can feel like a really ordinary (but fun!) part of adult life and still feel complex to talk about with our tweens and teens.
Most of us (hopefully) want to raise kids who have healthy values and confidence when it comes to making their own sexual choices. We want them to stay physically and emotionally safe while they explore. We want them to have a great sex life – but maybe not just yet! Figuring out how to talk to tweens and teens about sex is an ongoing process for a lot of parents, and since we can worry about not getting it right, we thought it might be helpful if we shared some eye-popping examples of how not to do the sex talk, with some old-school examples of parents who totally got it wrong.
These stories, told by some of our friends (who we’ve agreed to keep anonymous), are awkward, cringe worthy, and sometimes very funny. Read on and then plan to totally do better when the time comes for "the talk"!
Wedding Night Info
"My mother told me absolutely not one thing. Until the night before I got married when she advised me to get a big dildo. Apparently because I shouldn't plan on my husband to be able to satisfy me? I have taken a very different approach with my kids."
Snappy
"Growing up, my mother told me nothing. Totally dodged all my questions. The only thing she has ever said regarding sex was during my last month of my first pregnancy. She said I should 'try and get a C-section' and when questioned she responded in an embarrassed tone, 'snappy trappy.' I did not have a C-section and it’s been awkward since."
Don't Get Excited
"My mother told me when I was 15 (and just basically horny all the time) that it is 'very normal' to not be 'all the excited' about the prospect of sex and that, really, most women 'don't get excited.' I was so embarrassed at the time (and felt like there was something kind of wrong with me that I was very excited when my boyfriend and I made out), but now I'm more sad for her that she's apparently never had great sex."
The Helpful Shelf
"My mother took my to the public library, pointed out a shelf of books in the nonfiction section, and whispered, 'If you have any questions about body things, that is where the right books are.' And then she blushed and hustled away. She actually blushed."
Never Asked
"My parents didn’t tell us anything and when we mentioned it to my mom a few years ago, she said, 'Well, you never asked!' My school had fairly comprehensive sex ed, especially for a Catholic school, I think. But still. She didn’t know what we knew."
Rooted in Denial
"My mom gave me a very in-depth talk about how to prevent pregnancy, complete with the whole condom over the banana demonstration. While I think that would be a really helpful thing for a lot of teens, I had already told her that I was a lesbian, had no interest in hetero sex, and had been dating a girl for a year. It felt like it was a sex talk rooted in some awfully deep denial of reality."
Too Much
"Appreciate now it was always open discussion, but teenage Me was quite embarrassed by how often it was discussed. So many warnings (antibiotics and vomiting can affect birth control pill, broken condoms, etc.) Neither my brother nor I had sex until after high school — terrified of pregnancy. I think we were provided great information, it was that it was stressed/drilled so much. I wish there could've been more open discussion about feelings or relationship boundaries to match, but I know they did best they could at the time."
Chewed Gum
"My mom was also my church youth group leader, so I got to hear her talk to me and all my friends about how sinful sex was, about how important it was to stay pure until marriage, all that really shame-based stuff. I'll never forget her describing us as pieces of gum. When we were virgins, we were soft, clean, unchewed pieces of gum. If we had sex, we'd become chewed gum and who would want chewed gum? Wow."
We're Gonna Die
"I was a teen in the late 1980s and early 1990s when the AIDS crisis was just getting really big and my parents were so freaked about it that all of our sex talks were basically them explaining how sex could kill us. It was overwhelming and I get that they were scared, but we never talked about anything but the danger of STDs."
Too Late
"My mom waited until I was 15 (!) to have 'the talk' with me. We were a family that never talked about things that are 'private' and she was clearly very uncomfortable as she described the birds and bees. I was uncomfortable, too, because I was already four months pregnant. She was way too late to start that conversation!"
Talk to the Nurse
"My school did a sex ed day in fifth grade, but held a parent session so they could watch the filmstrip in advance. My mom went and then when she got home she said 'I'll let you go to the class. I just want you to know that if you have any questions after the film, you should feel free to ask the school nurse.' Not her. The school nurse. Thanks, Mom!"
Outsourced It
"When I was 13, my mom asked my 17-year-old sister to have a sex talk with me. She claims that she thought it would be helpful if my sister told me what to expect from high school boys. My sister did not do that. She just showed me clips from Kim K's sex tape and explained in detail what was happening. It was quite an education."
Gift Box
"Mom left me a gift box on my bed when I was 12 years old. It had pads, condoms, a copy of The Joy of Sex, and some cute pajamas. It was nice (and the book was useful) but there was no conversation at all. I wish she'd felt comfortable to actually just talk to me about it."
Liquid Courage
"My mom did a great job with the basics and always being willing to answer questions. We never had an official talk, just lots of conversations along the way. But one night she and her friend had a little too much wine and ended up giving me some very graphic sex advice that I was not ready for. I hadn't even had my first kiss, so I didn't need to know the exact logistics behind how to 69 at that moment in life."
Missing Pieces
"I'm on the younger mom side (I'm 24) so my mom's bad sex talk was kind of recent! I think the thing that sticks out for me now is the missing pieces. My parents covered the basics, but nothing about sexting or consent or queer stuff. I'm bi, so was listening for signs that they were open to me coming out but it felt like gay people didn't exist when they talked about sex. I also could have used more help with how to navigate social media stuff when it came to sex."
The Aspirin
"I was leaving for my first ever official date and I was so excited. When we were leaving, my mom made a big production of handing me a bottle of aspirin. When I was like, 'Um, what is this for?' she told me that it was birth control. As my date watched in horror, she laughed and told me that I couldn't get pregnant as long as I kept an aspirin between my knees. Mortifying."
