Sometimes it seems like parents love nothing more than coining a new label to describe their parenting style and preferences. We've got the "almond moms," the "crunchy granola moms," and the "free range parents," and now we're starting to hear more about a concept called "commando parenting."
OK, so a new parenting label just dropped, but what does it mean? And, more importantly, is it a style we should be exploring as we do the work of figuring out how to best meet our kid's needs while still retaining our sanity? Let's just assume we all agree that retaining our sanity is at least part of the parenting goal.
When it comes to "commando parenting," the first thing to know is that the term "commando" is not being used in the way that indicates a lack of underwear (though that could be an interesting kind of parenting too, we suppose). Instead, commando is being used in the military sense. In the military, commandos are usually an elite form of special forces, meant to be deployed in high-risk, high-stakes situations.
So, what does that have to do with parenting? Well, more than we might think, but only in some very specific circumstances. Read on to learn more about this intense kind of mom life.
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What is commando parenting?
Commando parenting seems to have begun as a concept on the Dr. Phil Show back in 2005 and was designed to be an "all in" response to a situation when there are "dysfunctional behavior patterns" such as total defiance, chronic tantrums, and when parents are basically lacking control.
Although some experts describe it as a way "to handle children whose behavior is not being shaped effectively by whatever current means of discipline parents were practicing," Dr. Phil describes it far more dramatically as "akin to an intervention, so you need a unified front. Dad may have to take two weeks of his vacation time and stay home with the children 24/7 to create a unified front with Mom. It could even mean that one of you has to quit working or downgrade to a part-time job to spend more time at home.
"You might have to drive a less expensive car, live in a smaller house, cut down on restaurant meals, and vacation closer to home, but shaking up this family is more important than all of those extraneous things combined," he added. "Your future and the future of your children is at stake."
What is the first step to becoming a commando parent?
According to Dr. Phil, commando parenting starts by the parent or parents fully committing to taking charge of the household and not backing down when the kids react with "primitive behaviors, such as screaming, stomping around, wetting the bed, gagging, vomiting, throwing tantrums and other disruptive behaviors."
He suggests parents brainstorm in advance the reactions the kids are likely to have and to determine how to handle them in a non-reactive way.
Once the plan is made, the parents could begin by "stripping everything from your child's room. Take away everything they love and enjoy. This means all toys, games, posters, and entertainment. Strip their bedroom of everything except a mattress, a blanket and a pillow. Then make them earn it all back one item at a time. There's a sense of entitlement with spoiled children and they need to learn that their toys and games are privileges."
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Commando parenting is highly restrictive.
For commando parents, the goal is for kids to understand that "No means no" and that their actions have consequences. A kid who forgets to put laundry away, has clothing taken and must earn it back. A kid who goes over screen time limits loses all electronics, even tech for school. There aren't second chances or "do better next time" moments in this rigid system.
All of this hardcore parenting isn't easy for kids or parents and can represent a major lifestyle switch for kids who've become spoiled or who haven't been given good boundaries. But some worry that taken to extremes, this kind of parenting style can become abusive and even cruel.
When is commando parenting the right move?
According to some experts, commando parenting may make sense in life-or-death situations. When teens are engaging in risky behavior such as drinking or doing drugs, for example, that might be a time there is a "clear rationale for 'going commando' that is based on the child’s needs, not a desire to exert power and control."
The good news is that most parents probably don't need to exert this much control or risk having this kind of "tough love" approach permanently shape their relationship with their child. We think most parents can safely pass on going through mom bootcamp and qualifying for commando status.
