One of the gold standard pieces of advice for long-term couples who want to keep their relationship solid is to have regular date nights. We all know the drill: get a babysitter, have an endless back and forth about where to eat dinner, throw on some lipstick, and hit the town! And whether the date is dinner and movie, drinks and dancing, or whatever other fun we can have before the babysitter turns into a pumpkin, there is also frequently a sense of high expectations around date night.
We expect date night to remind us that we aren’t just Mom and Dad. We expect date night to help us reconnect with our flirty and romantic sides. We hope we’ll be reminded of who we used to be before there were kids and a mortgage and a million things on our to-do lists. And, yes, we often expect that date night will lead to having sex.
That is a lot of pressure!
A few years ago, my husband and I scheduled a date night. It had been months since we’d gone out alone and we badly needed to reconnect. We got a babysitter, made a reservation at our favorite Southern and soul food restaurant, and managed to escape a mildly hysterical child who thought that they should be included on date night. I’d shaved my legs and slapped on some lipstick and found myself sitting across the table from the love of my life, struggling to make conversation.
We’d promised not to talk about the kids, but I was still firmly stuck in mom mode.
Eventually, we loosened up and enjoyed a delicious dinner (I still think with fondness about those biscuits and that chicken fried streak). We were so full after dinner that we ended up taking a walk to stretch the night out. We eventually wandered into a cute coffee shop for a slice of pie and decaf coffee.
While I was having fun, I was also checking my watch. It was already past my bedtime and I was getting so tired. The banana cream pie wasn’t helping. I felt bloated and sleepy, but also guilty.
I knew my husband was hoping to have sex and I knew that I was longing for bed for sleeping purposes only.
Full, tired, and guilty isn’t the sexiest combination and we ended up having a bummer end to the date night that made us both more disappointed than horny. Turns out bickering about sex while trying to digest way too much food doesn't lead to orgasms.
When I debriefed the date with my best buddy the next week, she gave me some game changer advice: Have sex first.
As she explained, she and her partner started every date night with sex. For her and her husband, who are both total foodies, the sex first idea came about after The Fondue Incident, in which they discovered that three hours of eating cheese and then trying to have sex is a rough combination. As she explained, all of the fun of the date night got ruined if they didn't have sex. But all the fun of delicious meal was dampened if they were eating with future sexy times in mind. For them, having sex first frees them up to eat as much as they want and not have to try to feel sex with a tummy filled with beer cheese.
When my husband and I tried the sex first concept, we discovered it made date night better from start to finish.
In order to have a sex first date night, we first have to do a little planning. The when and where of how to get frisky before the babysitter arrives is usually determined by some text messages that get increasingly flirty (and, let’s be real, graphic) as date night approaches.
Thinking about the logistics also inspired creativity and got us out of the "in bed, in the dark, at bedtime" routine. Figuring out our sex first plan becomes a kind of foreplay and helps me start switching out of mom mode and into sexy date lady mode.
And then there is the actual sex!
Sex first date night nookie might happen in the shower, might be a quickie aided by some extra screen time for the kids, and might include (in one memorable incident) a rendezvous in the garage for a backseat tumble. It might not be the best sex ever (nobody has the best sex ever in the backseat of a Hyundai), but it is fun and playful and connecting.
It also means that date night starts off with no pressure for sex at the end, which means that we can enjoy each part of the date without feeling like it all has to be leading to hooking up at the end.
After starting the night with sex, we’re already reconnected as partners and not just co-parents.
When we go to dinner after sex, we’re more flirty. We hold hands more. We can giggle about getting away with having sneaky sex during daylight hours with kids who are in the house. The conversation flows easier. We’re more present. It’s just more fun, especially when I know I can suggest we hit the taco truck for carne asada tacos and not have to worry about regretting the refried beans later. And, yes, sometimes we still end up having sex at the end of the date, too. A double header? Hello! That is kind of a miracle for a tired mom and dad.
So, when it is time to plan the next date night, take my advice: Have sex first. Try it once and see if it doesn’t make for an extra fun date night!
