Any woman who has gone through the struggle of infertility has felt heartache at some point. She wants so badly to have a baby, but her body — or her partner's — isn't cooperating for whatever reason. Should the pain of that struggle diminish because of a woman's age? Should she feel less disappointed because she is older and her biological clock means she should have known she was running out of time?
A woman posted to a Mumsnet's Talk forum about age and infertility, which started quite the conversation. Is a woman not entitled to be sad about having trouble conceiving because she is older? People have thoughts.
The original poster was prepared for an argument.
The OP opened her post by writing, "Preparing to get flamed." She went on to explain that the sadness that a woman in her 40s experiences when she cannot conceive should not be compared to that of a woman in her 20s and 30s. The OP thinks that the inability to conceive younger is harder to accept for someone younger than it is for older women. She continued by qualifying her opinion.
"Especially when the infertility is secondary. It's very likely if the 40+ year old would have tried 5-15 years ago they wouldn't have problems conceiving," she wrote in the forum.
OP thinks that people don't understand how the body works.
OP delivered some information that she believes people should know — assuming they don't already, of course.
"So many people try to deny the biological clock but sadly fertility does decline in people in their 40s. I understand people do get naturally pregnant in their 40s but statistically it's rarer than people in their 30s and 20s," she explained.
A lot of people found her statement pretty insulting. And eventhough the information may be accurate, should a woman in their 40s resolve herself to the fact that she can't have a baby?
OP's opinion got people hot.
Many women had a lot to say to OP about her thoughts, and it wasn't always very friendly.
"Yes, absolutely. So every time someone in their 40s says they're sad because they're struggling to conceive, we should definitely ask them 'and have you been trying since you were 28?' before we decide whether we can be sympathetic or not," commented one person. "That'll learn 'em. (I am 38 and I have had it up to here with people telling me if I'd started trying younger it'd all have been fine. I did. It wasn't. F— off.)."
Yikes, guess she told you.
"Well it makes the point doesnt it — there are lots of reasons why women might delay trying to conceive — and frankly some women in their 20s are far worse mothers than they would have been at a later age," one person wrote.
"it makes the point that ops judgement and post is incredibly narrow minded," read another comment.
Others agreed that the post was insensitive.
"No I think you're wrong. You're basically saying they should've tried younger and not had problems with is absolute BS. What a nasty thread," someone wrote.
There was also some name-calling.
"This. If a women is childless against her wishes that is a tragedy deserving of sympathy. Having some idiot saying 'oh well you should have done it earlier' doesn't help," another person shared. "Expecting someone to have a child without being financial stable, able to offer a home or even a stable family unit is equally foolish."
People didn't understand why OP even posted.
Did she think those struggling with infertility at any age would not empathize with others? Because that obviously didn't happen.
"What outcome are you looking for? Yes, your pain is greater?" someone questioned. "Those women who weren't lucky enough to be in a financial or health or relationship situation conducive to having kids in their 20s or 30s should shut up?"
"How mean-spirited," another comment read. "It's not like the world has a limited capacity for fertility and there might not be enough to go around."
Clearly people felt that no matter what age a woman is, infertility is painful.
Many believed that a woman's age is just a number and shouldn't determine how she feels about her struggle. In other words, no matter what her age, it's heartbreaking.
"I can't imagine it's any less emotionally painful and upsetting, just because one infertile person is older than another," one person wrote.
The post confused other people.
As one person shared, "I'm really not sure what value there is in grading the level of upset which results from infertility. I can't think of anyone who isn't aware that age is a major factor in fertility and who wouldn't factor their expectations of outcome but the upset that results is a personal matter and of no business of others to judge."
Maybe OP was trying to be a troll?
Sometimes people make these kinds of posts to get the crowd riled up. Maybe they believe the way they say they do or perhaps they are just looking for a reaction. One would hope this post wasn't meant to hurt someone intentionally.
But no matter the purpose of the post, it opened wounds and made people emotional. There was an overwhelming consensus that the age of a woman trying to conceive does not determine her pain or how much she feels.
OP, you need to consider what that pain means to someone who wants to lovingly bring a child into this world. Sometimes you should think of others and keep your thoughts to yourself.
